TO: Spears Inc.
FROM: The Television Stations of America
RE: You're Determination to Not Be a Role Model for My Daughter
It has come to our attention that a good deal of our programming day has been increasingly devoted to the coverage of your products, more commonly known as Brittany and Jamie Lyn. (Please forgive any errors in spelling as I rarely see your products' names in print. The newspapers I read, The Wall Street Journal and The New York Times tend to eschew news about your products in favor of matters relavant to my life.)
While we appreciate your corporation's efforts to provide an entertainment element during the Writer's Guild strike, we must raise some concerns about the events you've been staging over the past few weeks, particularly in that of publicity machine Number One - Brittany. We've noticed not only an increase in the amount of desperation discernable in your product's output, but also a certain amount of repetitive redundance in these activities. Your product has entered more hospitals than a lawyer with a business card. At this writing, Product One has been carried out of her home on a gurney not once but twice. Clearly, a formulaic pattern has set in. To put it in the vernacular of our proud industry, you're crapped out.
Furthermore, while providing a certain amount of drama for the all-news channels, your product's capriceous and seemingly endless outbursts wreak havoc with our technical operations. Many of us air at least one of the popular psuedo-celebrity news programs (aka Tabliod Shows) at some point in our broadcast day. These shows are produced and recorded in a streamlined fashion and fed to the local stations via satellite at more or less 4:00PM on the East Coast. In the case of Entertainment Tonight, we record the feed and then broadcast the program at 5:30PM Eastern. In days past this was a simple procedure. However, since the advent of your product's antics, often occuring at media-unfriendly times, we have been faced with an ever-increasing number of last-minute frantic re-feeds of these programs, causing more than a little inconveience for our master control operators who are at these critical times inserting the local commercials into Oprah - you must admit, a high priority.
Multiply this issue by the number of tabliod shows we air - Inside Edition, The Insider, Inside Hollywood, Inside Inside Edition, Inside the Insider while The Insider gets Inside Inside Hollywood - and you can imagine our consternation. At one point on a recent broadcast day (I am not making this up) our master control was using FIVE video tape machines: One was on the air playing Oprah, one was recording ET, two were recording re-feeds of two other tabloids, and the fifth was recording a show that actually had nothing to do with Brittany Spears!
By the way, that particular master control operator is doing fine and should be up and around in few weeks, thank you for asking.
In sumation, we the television broadcasters of America are asking Spears, Inc. to please curtail the output of your products until they have something new and perhaps a bit less salatious to offer our viewers. Not one to simply cast cristism without constructive input, may I suggest an alternative to your product's current output. May I suggest she try singing. I understand they make albums of that sort of thing.
cc: Lohan, Inc., Hannah Montanna, LTD, Anna Nicole Consolodated Properties.