Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Taking Aim

Today, on an all-new Dr. Swill. They were a happily married couple... until they tried to aim their new antenna for digital TV.

Dr. Swill: Folks, I gotta tell ya. This has got be the worst relationship since Bristol Palin told her boyfriend she's keeping the baby. I'm talking with John and Marsha Wineguard. Marsha, let's start with you. How did this all get started?

Marsha: When Mr. Wizard here brought home that new digital TV.

John: Don't you judge me!

Dr. Swill: Alright, John, you'll get your turn. But thanks for getting that cliche out of the way early in the show. Seems to me digital TV was supposed to make the viewer's experience better, with more channels, a clearer picture...

Marsha: But we weren't told we had to get an antenna on our roof in order for any of that to work. So, then, John goes up on the roof to aim the antenna. Did you know if you don't aim those things just right... (breaks into sobbing) We couldn't get anything, Dr. Swill. That shouldn't happen to anyone. I mean, after all... We live in America!

(Audience applauds)

Dr. Swill: OK, now, John, I'll let you pick it up from there. You went out on the roof to aim the antenna. Then what?

John: Well, you know, I can't see the TV from up there, so I needed Marsha to watch the antenna aiming display on the TV. That's all I needed her to do. Just tell me when the bar hits one hundred.

Marsha: What bar? I don't know what he's talking about.

John: The bar. You know, the big honkin' signal display that you have to be either blind or stupid not to see.

Marsha: Well, you'd turn the thing, and all I could see was blue.

John: Turn the thing? You see what I've got to deal with? I never would've taken those vows of I had known I was marrying a techno-moron.

Dr. Swill: OK, now that's a bag of popcorn you can't unpop. I want you to think about-

Marsha: Oh, this coming from the genius who tried climbing up on the roof holding a four-by-eight piece of metal modern art AND a can of beer. Guess which one he dropped when he lost his balance.

John: The wind caught it.

Marsha: The wind caught it. And I guess it was the wind that nearly caused it to kill that man in the Buick.

John: I had him believing it was an alien spacecraft, until you had to open your big pie hole.

Dr. Swill: OK, now that rooster won't crow. I think what we're dealing with here is a communication issue.

Marsha: Oh, communication. You want to hear about communication? Let the genius here tell you about his Master Plan with the cell phones.

John: It was working fine. We both had our cell phones on so I could give her directions from the roof.

Marsha: You mean curse and call me names from the roof.

John: It was working fine!

Marsha: Yeah, until Marconi here dropped his phone and watched it slide down into a gutter where he can't reach it. It's still up there. Turned on. Now, every time he gets a call the entire neighborhood gets treated to the Bitch Song from South Park... again.

Dr. Swill: OK, what I'm going to suggest is that you two get professional help.

John: A marriage counselor?

Dr. Swill: No. A professional TV tower and antenna installation company. Because, unless you're a HAM radio operator or a professional stuntman, you've got no business trying to install your own TV antenna. A pro might cost you money, but it's money well spent if you want to enjoy over-the-air digital TV and get the most channels available in your area. Doing it yourself won't save you a plug-nickle if you end up in the hospital eating through a straw. Now, coming up, we're going to hear from a couple who tried to take their kids shopping for clothes. Can this marriage be saved? Stay tuned.

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