And Now For Something Completely Different

News from the Cincinnati Zoo.

“Sarah,” the Cincinnati Zoo’s eight-year-old female cheetah, is now the world’s fastest of all land mammals. Today, Sarah earned her spot in the record book when she crossed the finish line in the 100-meter sprint with a time of 6.16 seconds in her very first attempt, breaking the previous mark of 6.19.

This is great news, but what you may not know is that this record was set in Clermont County, Ohio. Now I grew up in those parts, so I just can't resist throwing in some jokes about this. And so, ladies and germs, here are a few you won't like.


Hey, folks, did ya hear? An eight-year-old cheetah set a new speed record in Clermont County. Yeah. Of course, if your eight-years-old in Clermont County and still a virgin, you learn to run fast.

They must've timed her while she was running away from her daddy.

But seriously, folks, in case you were wondering how they got her to run that fast, they used a lure tied to a string... a welfare check.

She got a citation from Guiness... and the Milford Police.

Sadly, five minutes later Sarah was arrested for doing donuts in a front yard in Amelia.

The last time anybody moved that fast in Clermont County, she was being chased by the klan.

Last week.

Thank you! Tip your waitress.