Answers

And now it's time to answer some of your

Frequently Asked Questions.

No. I don't mean the questions I get from this blog. I mean the questions TV station staff gets on the phone at all hours from people like- OK, not people like you. Let's just say people who own a phone.

* Why can't you run the game I want to see?

We get this at least once a weekend when the Ohio State Buckeyes are relegated to something called The Big Ten Network, which apparently is comprised of a handful of camcorders, a switcher in the back of an Econoline van, and two commentators who flunked the audition at Sports Time Ohio. After scanning the cable system up and down, you usually find this temporary channel sometime after the first touchdown. The audio is distorted, and the video looks like you're in Havana pulling in a Miami TV station with a coat hanger. So, naturally, the solution to this dilemma is to call a local TV station and ask them to fix it.

Believe me. We're just as baffled and disgruntled as you. Our NBC affiliate is stuck with a rodeo while the rest of the civilized world is watching college football. We are all victims of a system involving the NCAA, major networks, colleges, and advertisers that conspire to create a contraption even Rube Goldberg couldn't decipher. We're helpless. We just bring you the game our network sends us and take the phone off the hook. It would be easier to broadcast the Manchester United vs. Liverpool match - and the announcers would be easier to understand.

The NFL is no better. Their agreement with the networks stipulates that the affiliates broadcast the game that is closest to them - provided it's a sell-out. Thanks to this agreement, no matter how much you hate the Browns, if you live in the northern half of Ohio, you'll get the Browns. If you live in Toledo, you get the Lions, or the Browns, or the Lions AND the Browns. Remember, suicide is the last option.

* Why do all your news stories have to be so negative? Can't you put on some happy news stories?

This is a baffling question, considering our newscasts on Sundays typically lead with, and I'm not making this up, church picnics, festivals, or a magician performing at a nursing home. Getting hard news on a Sunday requires the news department to work on Sundays, and that's something the journalism programs at colleges instruct their students to avoid.

Graduates of these colleges are also instructed to avoid asking hard questions, so that when a state representative says, "Ohioans don't want a casino in their state," the reporter doesn't ask, "So all those Ohio license plates at the Argosy is some kind of optical illusion?" Or when a local Republican says, "I believe in the freedom of religion," the reporter shouldn't ask, "By 'religion' does that include Muslim and Wicca, or just the Christian Evangelicals who are funding your re-election campaign?" See? That's just not nice. That leads to people calling you a radical, a liberal, oh, fanatical, a criminal. And then you start quoting Supertramp, and that's just wrong!

So, there's no need to fear. As long as news directors and consultants keep casting news departments like Dollhouse, and the journalism schools keep sending the fluff kitties our way, what's left of the negative news will soon be extinct. Just hang in there.

*How cum you done gon di-ju-tall? Ah caint git chew.

You got us. We can't hide it anymore. The digital conversion was all part of a vast Liberal conspiracy engaged by the Obama administration (in less than six months) to make sure only the intellectual elite could receive and watch broadcast television. For years, you've been led to believe that the eggheads only watch HBO and Bravo. Balderdash. We want Jerry Springer and Kathie Lee on the Today Show all to ourselves. Because we're like that. Bwah, ha, ha! And there's nothing you can do about it. The truth has been revealed! You can't stop me! You can't silence me! You can't---

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