At the end of certain episodes of "H.R. Puffnstuff" Puff implores the viewer at home to "Keep those cards and letters coming!" Viewed today, these pleas come across a bit desperate. They weren't; "Puffnstuff's" ratings were great by Saturday Morning standards. But the Kroft brothers knew the old rules of children's television: tell the kids to let the network and local stations know you're watching and just how horrible your life would be, and how you would have to change the channel, if your favorite show were to be cancelled. Oh yeah. Believe me, nothing makes a TV station manger's day like a pile of mail from children.
These days, Puff would have a Facebook wall and Witchiepoo would be hacking his website. But even in the Internet age nothing gets a station manger's attention quite like a good old-fashioned hand-written letter. That's because hard copy ink-on-paper correspondence must be kept on file for the FCC. So, if you want to be able to read your letter in our public file and enjoy watching the receptionist try to remember where the public file is, you need to know how to write a letter to your local TV station.
Step one: know to whom you are writing. A vague "Dear Sir" will get you nowhere, and shows you didn't take the time to do your research. Indicate to the station manger with your very first words that you are a person of intelligence and decorum.
ex: Dear Liberal Scumbag,
Step two: get to the point. No long-winded introductions here, just tell the manager in a clear, succinct manner the nature of the problem you wish to address.
ex: You're channel sucks.
Step three: back up your statement with concise facts. Stay on topic, and avoid rambling off on a tangent. Provide specific information in order to clarify the time and subject to which you refer.
ex: Why dose you're station hate Jesus?
Step four: indicate any actions you feel the station should take to alleviate the issue, and welcome the opportunity to seek a compromise to reach a satisfactory resolution.
ex: Im going to tell my frends to boycoot the advertizers on you're channel.
In your closing, make sure to provide a means for management to reply.
ex: I know where you live.
And that's all there is to it. Follow these simple steps, and I guarantee your letter will be kept on file by the proper federal authorities in Washington, DC.
Oh, and if you're sending a letter during the holidays, be sure to include a fruitcake. The agents just love fruitcakes. And nuts.