Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Brains, Brains

I'm working on a novel and getting ready to move, so there's not much time for the blog these days. Unfortunately for you, that means for this post you get a taste of my old morning radio show days. That's right, it's time for Joke of the Day.

The zombie army began their march to enslave humanity by eating human brains, but this time they planned their attack. Realizing that they could enslave humanity much faster if they took control of the media, the zombies set their sights on broadcast network television. They burst through the doors of the ABC Technical Operations Center in New York City.

"Brains. Brains," they moaned.

The master control operator thought fast. "Brains? You gotta be kidding. This is ABC. You won't find any brains here. Why don't you try CBS?"

And so, the zombie marched onward to the CBS Tech Center. They burst through the door moaning, "Brains. Brains."

But the master control operator there was also a quick thinker. "Brains? Fellas, this is CBS. You won't find any brains here. Why don't you try Fox?"

And so the zombies marched into Fox. "Brains. Brains."

"Sorry. No brains here. This is Fox," said the master control operator. "Try NBC."

And so, with the dawn just minutes away, the zombie army stormed their way into 30 Rockefeller Plaza and into the very heart of NBC...

where they were immediately put in charge of programming.

Sunday, February 6, 2011


Just a few random thoughts on this post. I had to devote most of my spare time this week to moving snow from one pile to another, so there wasn't much of a chance to cook up a good blog this week. Anyway, here goes:

Superbowl Notes

The game was great. Rothlesberger haters will be talking about his picks for years. And you just gotta love the cheese heads.

The commercials had some bright spots, but not where I expected. The NFL promo featuring seamless clips from classic TV sit-coms was brilliant. The Audi "Prison Break" works on a "New Yorker" level of humor, and that's just fine for the target Audi buyer. The big build up to the Bud "Western" spot fizzled when it finally aired. Some of Bud's other spots were funnier. Ozzy Ozborne and Justin Bieber had fun at their own expense in a funny ad, but I can't remember the product. Nice one for the VW Passat. In fact, the euroluxo cruisers were battling it out almost as hard as the Steeler offense in the second half with spots for the "Big 3" BMW, Mercedes Benz, and Audi all running in full force. The other battle was among upcoming movies featuring superheros and robots for the arrested development target audience Hollywood serves these days. Biggest loser IMHO was the Ford spot I caught just before kickoff. I had no idea what they were selling. Just annoying.

Halftime: Oh boy. Ummmm... Ahem. (Cough, cough) Well... it gave me a chance to go get some snacks without actually missing anything... um... entertaining. It was pretty apparent this was a record label's idea. Where to begin? First, a word to the sound board guy - rule number one: get the mics on the air. Next - The Black Eyed Peas? Really? Is this 2005? They were barely tolerable even back when they had hits. And I'm sorry, I don't want to go all geezer on you but... whatever that was, it wasn't music. Seriously, why can't the Superbowl put together a high school marching band comprised of honor students from around the country? Or maybe just let the grounds crew tidy up the field while the PA plays Journey. Hey, I got it. How about a Zamboni?

It's Godzilla!

At one point last week I heard a local weathercaster say that much of the Midwest was under a "Lizard Warning." Such were the antics of The Great Blizzard of 2011. Judging by the way many people reacted to the storm, you would've thought ol' Radioactive Breath was stomping down the streets pillaging supermarkets for bread and milk. Chicago commuters seemed to forget their city is on a lake and well north of the equator. Reading the "Tribune" I was reminded that one of the charms of reading media from faraway places is trying to interpret the local lingo. I when I first read the headline, "Hundreds stuck on LSD" I thought maybe Lolapalooza had come early this year. I saw a number of news stories where stranded motorists said the most frustrating part was not getting any information - no tweets, no texts, no postings on websites from the City of Chicago. I heard no one say anything about turning on the car radio for information. Apparently none of Chicago's vast array of radio stations is considered a reliable source of information. People apparently expected Oprah to fly into their workplaces and tell them not to jump on Lake Shore Drive just as a major snowstorm hit. Ah yes. History shows again and again how nature points out the folly of men.

Idol Chatter

"American Idol" watchers were buzzing last week about Steven Tyler's outrageous behavior. What? You were expecting him to sip tea and quote Voltaire? (Rumor has it that when asked if he liked Voltaire Mr. Tyler replied that, yes, it was indeed one of his favorite cartoons.)

And Finally, a Geezer Moment

At one point this weekend, I needed to find the location of a house where a friend of mine had just moved. I pulled out the phone book and found the city maps. I was about a minute into my search when I looked up from the map, thought about what was happening, looked at my wife and said, "What the hell am I doing?" I'm using a map? In a phone book? What next, turn on the CB and call out "Breaker, breaker, good buddy?" I got on Google Maps and joined the 21st century.