Monday, April 30, 2012

Helpful Hints for Romney

Today's guest blogger is J.S. Faulconner II. Opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect those of the host.

Poor Mitt Romney. In running against Obama, the guy faces a challenge even tougher than the expert slope at Telluride. How does one present an image of being concerned for the common voter when one was born with the proverbial silver spoon - although these days everyone is switching to carbon fiber for their better balance and choice of prep school colors.

You see, Romney is a scion. That should be obvious just from his first name: Mitt. That's a name a father gives his scion. It tells the world, "I can give my son any first name I want because it's the LAST NAME that will open doors." But the problem here is that Mitt has decided to run for president, and for some reason it's a common misconception that we shouldn't have a rich person for president.

Oh really? Name one economically challenged president? You can't because they were all wealthy. FDR, the president of the people, was one of the wealthiest presidents we've ever had. And don't get me started on Kennedy. How can the party that gave us Camelot claim to be the party for the working man? I rest my case. It's business that gets things done. Money. That's how you get to be president, my boy! Political campaigns don't run on flower power. You need big money just to run for a local office, and the ability to raise even bigger money from people who have even bigger money if you want to go to Washington. Your ability to handle large sums is a right of passage into the executive branch. If you want to be president, you best be able to understand economics and be comfortable with handling transactions with lots of zeros. This is no place for someone who clips coupons or has to wait until payday to make the car payment. If writing the check for the down on a house makes you throw up your Tuna Helper, may I suggest an occupation where you'll be handing over far smaller amounts of money... a Cash 4 Gold store perhaps.

In other words, you don't want a poor person in the White House. The reason poor people are poor is because they can't handle money. You want someone in the Oval Office who won't blink at a trillion dollar deficit. Heavens, my wife puts that much on her Tiffany card.

"Ah, but what about Dubya?" you ask. He was a scion. Fair question. Let's just say that while it may be true that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, it can roll downhill. HA! Goodness, that was witty wasn't it? Somebody put that in The New Yorker. I'm a regular James Thurber.

Returning to Mitt, he does face an image problem: the misconception that the rich don't care about the working class. Nothing could be further from the truth. The working class is the backbone of this great nation, providing the oil that lubricates our economy. Of course, to extend the metaphor, we've had to go "off shore" to obtain some of that oil, but let's not haggle over details. The middle class provides the customer base for our next electronic thingamagig that will become obsolete a week after it hits the market. Our consumer economy is based on selling cell phones to each other, and only way we can make it possible for the next generation of Americans to buy the newest i-Something is to keep taxes from going up... especially mine. Now, how do we help Mitt?

I believe it's a matter of communication. The middle class often misunderstands what we are saying because they don't live in our world. For example, Mitt's oft criticised statement that "corporations are people, too." Legally speaking, they are. In the eyes of the law and the IRS a corporation is an artificial person. Look it up. Businesspeople know that and understand. And the quote about his wife driving a couple of Cadillacs... child's play, my boy. Relative to the scale of luxury car pricing, Cadillac is way down at the bottom - a very reasonable and judicious purchase. Now if you want to get serious, let's go shopping for a Mercedes S-Class, a BMW 7 series, anything Jaguar, and you don't want to know what it costs to keep a Lincoln Town Car Limo with a driver and wet bar in New York City. If only you were a "one-percenter" you could understand our pain.

Here are some helpful suggestions I would give Mr. Romney to bridge the gap between the classes. Little things that will show that no matter where we stand on the social-economic ladder, deep down inside we're all the same. Well, not really, but at least they'll feel better when they hit the safety net.

* When you make a whistle stop at a small municipal airport in Amarillo, or Joplin, or some Midwest swing state, don't use the Gulfstream V. Fly the Lear, or better yet, find a vintage twin-prop Beechcraft V-Tail. Show the media you're a regular Joe by making them think you flew it yourself by wearing a Breitling Navitimer.

* A campaign speech at a state college is probably not the best place to let it slip that Daddy wrote checks for your tuition. 

* Don't wear Tommy Hilfiger to the soup kitchen.

* During the campaign Rolex is out. Stick to bargain brands like Movado or Baume and Mercier.

* During a news conference at a homeless shelter, switch off the text alert option from your broker for when your mutual funds go soft.

* Only domestic beer at public events.

* Always wear socks with your Sperry Topsiders. Seriously, I don't get why that's such a big deal.

* For god's sake avoid the following photo ops:
wearing a helmet, any helmet
farm machinery
appearances on SNL, Colbert, The Daily Show. These are COMEDY shows, dumbass.
trying to cook something

* Look the reporter in the eye during an interview. I know this is difficult because you were raised to avoid eye contact with the staff.

* Don't overcompensate with your choice of running mate. Just remember the Palin fiasco. That's right. Chose an unknown harmless white guy and move on.

* During your victory party, serve Dom Perignon chilled to 44.5 degrees F in fluted stemware. Hey, nobody said we had to go native here.

1 comment:

Steve said...

As a matter of record, both Romney and Obama were reported wearing Tag Heuer during the campaign.