Trapped in a Box

The Bungled Passing of Paterno

2012-01-22T11:11:00.001-08:00

Joe Paterno is dead. We're pretty sure of that now. He died Saturday night, then came back for a few hours, and now he's gone again. And so, even in the last chapter, Paterno's life could not pass without confusion and controversy. Penn State may be a nest of vipers, but the man deserved better.

Here is a pretty good rundown of how the events of Joe Paterno's death announcement in the media played out. Given the short amount of time, I'm impressed how quickly this all got traced. I give credit to Onward State for coming clean fairly quickly. It's a tough lesson for student journalists to learn, but perhaps they'll be better journalists and broadcasters in the future having learned from this.

So, looking at a potential Frequently Asked Question for this blog, how does this keep happening? Seems like a simple enough thing to get right; either a person is dead or they're not. Get it right.

The simple answer: the person in question can't answer the question.

We expect it go something like the Munchkins producing the death certificate and singing the official proclamation - Harold Arlen and E.Y. Harburg adding a modern crime scene procedural gag to a children's story. The ruby slippers apparently constituted positive identification of the corpse, although the footwear's sudden transposition to Dorothy calls into doubt whether the slippers' location is subject to verification. The magical qualities of the slippers render their veracity capricious in nature at the very least, thus giving Elphaba just cause to dispute Dorothy's inheritance of said footwear. The witch should've just called a lawyer.

But it rarely goes that way. Munchkins don't come out to the gathered press with a death certificate. There are no ruby slippers to confirm the identity. And as we learned with the death of Michael Jackson, sources closest to the subject are not always the most trustworthy.

Celebrities, whether they be good celebrities or bad celebrities, are usually surrounded by staff and family. These people act as a buffer against among other things a prying media. Sometimes, the staff knows what they're doing; sometimes they don't. Sometimes the relations with the media are well handled; other times the media relations are less than acrimonious. In the case of Joe Paterno, you have a legendary coach at the center of an ethics scandal where the reputation of Paterno, Penn State, and the careers of just about anyone connected with the two are on the line. Statements to the media are highly filtered and scripted. A year ago, someone might've called someone at the State College newspaper to say, "Heads up. He's not well." Nowadays, it's more like trying to confirm the health of a North Korean dictator - an unfortunate comparison, but but for the journalist it's true.

So, instead of a "heads up," we got a campus rumor. And, as typical in this era, it started with an email. Folks, email is a lousy way to inform anyone of anything timely in nature. It's a "pull" medium, as they say in IT parlance: in other words, you have to take action to make the info come to you. When a celebrity dies and you want to notify people, you use a "push" medium: something that pushes the info out to the receiver. You, as a press agent, take hold of this gadget that was devised back in 1876 and talk into it. So my first question had I been on duty at the time would've been, "Where's the phone call?"

Then, as an always skeptical news reporter, I pick up that aforementioned magic talking device and push a few buttons to contact a trusted source - if one exists - to get closer to the truth. "No, sir. He's not well, but he's not dead. Now leave us alone, you insensitive pinko vultures! (click)" Just another day in the news business. But when you're 19 and scared, yes, scared half to death to take that kind of abuse, you don't even think of calling. You go with the email... the same medium that told you about this great recipe for Neiman Marcus cookies.

But collegiate news media are the little league training grounds for aspiring reporters - the places where you make mistakes. Believe me, I know. I made a lot of them. The professional media is supposed to know that. Yes, on occasion, campus papers and radio stations break important stories. That's commendable. But not all campus media operate at the same level of competence. Careful scrutiny by the pros should be engaged before relaying the story any further. That did not happen.

Well, it was a Saturday night, see. The "B" listers were on duty. It's a slow night, and the programming is burn offs of canceled or near-cancelled shows positioned in this time slot to basically keep the affiliates from going to infomercials, a test pattern, or in the case of NBC off the air. There are reports of Paterno being dead so they figure let's break in an liven up this shift. These folks, having never faced the fear of making unpleasant phone calls back when they were 19, still avoid it at 25, and the word of wildfire emails and twitter messages is used as "sources."

For what it's worth, I was completely off the grid Saturday night. I was off duty and my phone was turned off as my wife and I enjoyed live performances by actual musicians and actors in our community: The Lima Symphony Orchestra and Encore Theater. We missed the Paterno "he's not dead yet" debacle, and I'm not sorry we did.

The Puppet's Court

2012-01-20T06:35:00.000-08:00

This is NOT a Muppet News Flash!

Faced with covering a lengthy, high-profile trial from which, for reasons only judges in the Cleveland area can understand, video cameras have been banned, Cleveland station WOIO's news director Dan Salamone opted to take the novel approach of having puppets reenact some of the court drama.

It's debatable whether this sort of thing belongs within a bona fide newscast, but the anchor makes it clear this is a send up based on real events. And when you consider how many people get their news from the monologue on The Tonight Show, I fear this sort of thing may only be the beginning.

Busted!

2012-01-07T10:40:00.000-08:00

What's this? Zooey and Steve caught canoodling Friday night after hours at the Santa Monica Chuck E. Cheese. "I'm just a friend of the family," says Faul. "I'm helping her through a difficult time."

But wait... upon further investigation it becomes clear that this photo is a fraud. No, it's not Photoshop. A second look reveals Faul is cavorting with a cardboard cutout. Fox provided these stand ups to be used for promotional purposes, certainly not for technical crew members to be screwing around with during the agonizing slow death that was the Cotton Bowl.

"We will be launching a full investigation into the incident," said Joe Sharp who identified himself to this reporter as the Vice President in charge of operations and NAB Certified genius. "Shenanigans and horseplay are not to be tolerated during on-duty hours. Besides, Zooey needs our support at this time. And as her close personal confidant I pledge to do my part in that endeavor." When asked to explain why he was mispronouncing the "New Girl" star's name ZOO-ee, the genius declined further comment.

A call to Fox uncovered an uncomfortable relationship with their Lima, Ohio affiliate. "Why do you think we've never been there to shoot exteriors for 'Glee?' I mean... I... I can't go on," said a spokesperson. "I mean we have Jane Lynch making fun of them. That ought to tell you something."

Basement Tapes

2011-12-21T11:11:00.000-08:00

At this time of year it's customary to take a look back at the year we just lived through. But since everybody else already does that, and most of this year will be Kardashians and Republican debates, I thought I would take a different path. You see I just unearthed a box of air check tapes in the basement that were buried during our move this year, and nothing is more humbling than air checks from the early days.

In days of old, when one performed a radio show, you put a cassette in a recorder that was typically hooked up to the output of the air monitor. In other words, you recorded yourself on the radio. But the tape only recorded while your microphone was on, so you didn't have to sit through Basia's Time and Tide in order to hear the next DJ break. The tape recorder was usually one of those things designed for office dictation or classroom recording with a little jack that made the tape pause if a switch on the microphone was pressed. Radio engineers would cut the mic off, attach the "remote" wires to a relay connected to the studio console's mic switch, and connect an output from the air monitor or a radio - in some cases a "boom box" was used to simplify all this. What the "remote" wire really did was nothing more than kill the power to the tape recorder, causing the tape to slow down while engaged against the recording head, creating an extreme speed distortion on the recording for a half-second every time the mic was turned off. The result was a tape playback that cut in just seconds before the jock starts talking, you hear the break, and then a second after the next song or commercial starts you get this loud ZWWWORP sound followed by the next DJ break. There's nothing else like it.

(over intro to Simply Red's cover of If You Don't Know Me By Now) "1220 WSUK with tickets to "Teddy Ruxpin On Ice." Keep listening for your chance to be caller number 8 when you hear Teddy Ruxpin speaking right here on 1220 WSUK!" (sung) "If you don't know-- ZWWWORP!"

"Ed Johnson has the latest farm news coming up right after Seals and Crofts on AM Stereo 950!" (sung) "See the-- ZWWWORP!"

The purpose of these tapes was to critique your performance with the program director during a ritual known as the air check session. We would listen to an entire four-hour show telescoped down to about 20 minutes on the tape so he could make comments like, "Don't cluster your essentials," which sounds like something nobody should be doing on the radio anyway. "Don't read the liner cards; say it to me," was another of my favorites, usually because a day later the air staff would get a memo saying, "Read the damn liner cards." Air check sessions were supposed to be private due to the extreme level of humiliation involved, but there was no mistaking what was going on behind that closed door with all those ZWWWORPs.

Most of the recordings were lost due to the tape wearing out, or having an unfortunate conflict of interests with a hammer after a particularly trying air check session. The better cassettes were recycled for entertainment purposes and now hold The Best of Simon and Garfunkel. But a few tapes survived and now sit in archival storage in my basement where they are rediscovered during a hapless search for Christmas decorations. And being the fool that I am, I will pop a few in the player - yes, I still have cassette decks - and listen. And it hurts.

God, I sucked.

But after listening for a few minutes, I come to realize there were a lot of factors working against me in those early days. It was the salad days of MTV, where VJ's could talk about the music in a more informal, one-on-one approach than most Top-40 or rock stations would allow. Working on a top-40 or "Q" format in those days was like booking a clown for your child's birthday party: nobody really does that anymore. The main media influence of the day was David Letterman, and an acerbic delivery and wit did not go over well with a program director of a Music of Your Life format. ("Here's Patty Page. She wants to know How Much is That Doggy in the Window, and can he program my VCR?") I didn't fare much better on a small town full-service format. ("1560 KRAP. Paul Harvey is here... and he won't leave. Somebody please give him a ride home. He's drinking all my beer!") When a station I worked for made the jump to all-talk, my show never really got off the ground. Why bash the liberals? We've just had two terms of Reagan and now Herbert Walker Bush is in the White House. We survived the crash of '87 just fine. Everybody's buying Game Boys. Relax. Yeah, that's not how talk radio works.

And so, listening to those tapes reveals a young performer struggling to find his niche, but it also reveals some of the telltale signs that radio, particularly AM, was headed for trouble. If you ever wonder how radio got to be in the shape it's in today, consider these situations and phrases from my air checks of 1989:

AM Stereo

"Here's the latest from Barry Manilow." (Remember, this is 1989.)

Bruce Springsteen's I'm On Fire, on an AM adult contemporary station.

"Your Trading Post of the Air. Call in with your item to sell at..."

"On tomorrow's Focus On [censored] County, the AIDS epidemic. We'll be talking with members of the gay community and address the misconceptions attached to AIDS and being HIV Positive, and we'll debate what should be taught in our schools regarding sex education, anal sex, oral sex, and the spread of STD's. Call in with your opinions during this frank discussion tomorrow at ten. And now, here's one from Andy Williams."

"It's the Sally Jesse Raphael Show, tonight at eight."

"It's a new era here at WSUK. Today, we switch from tape to CD. We've erased and thrown away all our carts. Here's our first song direct from CD. The Beatles. Yesterday. On WSUK. (sung) Yesterday... all my troubles seemed so fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-"

(panting for breath after running from the car after driving through severe weather at 1AM to get to the station to jump in for the panic stricken teenage board op.) "We interrupt Tom Synder to bring this weather bulletin. The National Weather Service has just issued a Tornado-- ZWWWORP!" (The power goes out.)

White Christmas

2011-12-11T14:54:00.000-08:00

Ever wanted to know more about the holiday classic movie “White Christmas?” I didn’t think so. Nevertheless, here is

Useless Information About the Movie “White Christmas”

It was the first film released in Paramount’s VistaVision wide screen format, using 65mm film that ran horizontally through the camera. It turned out to be a hardy format, technically superior to CinemaScope. Reliable sources tell that some of the VistaVision equipment was pulled from the mothballs and adapted to make Christopher Reeve fly in “Superman.”

It was the highest grossing film of 1954, topping $12 million. That was a lotta dough back then.

The Bing Crosby we see in WC is the one we are familiar with: cool and debonair if in a slightly outdated manner. (His use of hep cat slang is a little bit like your grandmother getting a tramp stamp.) But the role that gained him an Academy Award nomination that year was in “The Country Girl.” Where his character, an alcoholic down and out signer, is a light year from type.

Danny Kaye was the third choice to play opposite Bing Crosby. First choice was Fred Astaire. (He appeared with Bing in “Holiday Inn” the first film to feature the song “White Christmas.”) Second choice was Donald O’Connor (“Singing In The Rain”) who fell ill.

Danny Kaye got $200,000 plus 10% of the gross. That’s also a lotta dough.

Kaye was given an honorary Oscar at the ceremony of March 30, 1955 for "his unique talents, his service to the Academy, the motion picture industry, and the American people." The academy failed to even nominate Kaye for any film performance, including “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty” (1947).

The Irving Berlin song Count Your Blessings was nominated for an Academy Award as Best Song, but it was a very competitive category that year. The winner was Three Coins in the Fountain composed by Jule Styne with lyrics by Sammy Cahn. Another nominee was Judy Garland’s signature torch burner The Man That Got Away written by Harold Arlen (“The Wizard of Oz’) with lyrics by Ira Gershwin. Other musical highlights in 1954 include the score for “On the Waterfront,” composed by some new guy named Leonard Bernstein. And another newcomer shows up in the scoring for “The Glen Miller Story” in the name of Henry Mancini. On the dark side: Larry Adler did not get credit for his score for “Genevieve” due to red scare blackballing.

The song “Snow” was originally composed by Berlin as “Free” for the Ethel Merman musical “Call Me Madam.” The McCarthy era salute to democracy was reworked into a winter wonderland number after the song was cut from “Madam.” Try to imagine Ethel Merman singing “Free.”

He’s not dancing anymore. Reliable sources say that an uncredited Bob Fosse provided at least some of the choreography. That would explain the more modern look of some of the hot dance numbers, particularly “Joshua” and parts of “Mandy.” Dance legend George Chakiris (“West Side Story”) is quite visible.

A substitute vocalist looped in Vera-Ellen’s singing. There is conflicting information on who did the singing, most likely due to more than one person doing it. Trudy Stevens gets mentioned most often. And for the “Sisters” number, Rosemary Clooney double-tracked herself covering the whole song, a trick she also used in her hit record of the same year Hey There where she talks back to herself.

Yep, those costumes are by Edith Head.

There are continuity errors galore: coffee cups and a pitcher of buttermilk magically refill, and dancers last seen in Vermont somehow perform with Betty in New York. But there’s a factual/historical goof that goes right by most viewers today:

The principle photography for “WC” was shot in late 1953, including the Ed Harrison Show scene complete with a real television camera with New York City’s WNTB call letters. By the time the movie was released in October of 1954, New York’s channel 4 had changed call letters to WRCA. Oops. And, unless you grew up in NYC during the period, you wouldn’t know WNTB was the production headquarters for the NBC network. So the inference is that the gang back in Vermont are somehow watching a local New York City TV station. Not very likely with that lousy set-top antenna. We’ll assume the General watches Ed Sullivan… sorry… Harrison on CBS on WCAX in Burlington, which began broadcasting in September of 1954.

Art imitates life: Rosemary Clooney's sister is named Betty. It was Betty who talked Rosie into performing in a sister act in their teens, and eventually performed regularly on WLW in the '40's.

Some beautiful friendships were born on that Paramount soundstage during the production of "White Christmas." Rosemary Clooney formed a bond with Bing Crosby that lasted the rest of his life. When Clooney suffered a nervous breakdown brought on by, among other things, the assassination of her friend Robert Kennedy, Bing helped her regain her confidence and invited her to join him on a major concert tour in 1975. Bing wrote the forward for Clooney's autobiography This For Remembrance just a month before he died.

Rosie also met actor and dancer Dante DiPaolo at Paramount, who eventually became her life partner. She said they'll never get married. Never And now you know where George gets it. They ended up getting married anyway.

Silent Doom

2011-12-01T15:07:00.000-08:00

In my last post, I made a point of how important moments of silence can be in a dramatic performance. Trying to fill every second of air time with something quickly becomes noise. There are times, however, when too much silence can set off panic in master control.

It was back in the days when one of your local TV stations would air classic cartoons from the 40's and 50's... before Oprah and Dr. Phil, and Dr. Oz, and omnipresent reruns of "Everybody Loves Raymond" took over the afternoon schedules. Local stations bought entire collections of cartoons from distributors, originally on 16mm prints struck back in the 50's. Running a "Bugs Bunny Playhouse" kinda thing required master control operators to work more like DJ's: switching sources every six or seven minutes and threading film projectors during a two-minute commercial break.

The cartoon in question is a Tom and Jerry outing titled "Sorry Safari," originally released in 1962, and directed by Gene Deitch. At one point in the cartoon, Tom's owner, now a cranky white guy instead of Mammy Two-Shoes (Deitch despised the racism in the Hanna-Barbara directed shorts), takes his anger out on Tom by wrapping a rifle around Tom's head and pulling the trigger. (Deitch also despised the violence, but not enough to turn away a job.) The gun blast temporarily deafens Tom. The soundtrack goes silent so that we, the cartoon viewer, can get the joke.

Now, here's the problem: in a movie theater, where this cartoon was originally intended to screened, a point-of-view sound gag can be quite effective... and back in the projectionist booth the reel can would contain a note to the projectionist that there will be silence for 20 seconds during the cartoon. But, in a TV station, things are quite different.

Dead air, as we call it, is the bane of broadcasting. Extended silence on the air quite literally sets off alarms in the control room - silence detectors are set to warn operators there's something wrong - and invariably the phone rings with someone at the other end asking, "Do you know you're off the air?"

So here's this clever silence gag in the middle of what would ordinarily be a frantic soundtrack. Now you should know that master control operators can't always watch every second of every program they have to air. There are feeds to record, transmitters to watch, and the cute little number from the sales department who stopped by to ask a question. So when the audio suddenly goes quiet, after about five seconds, master control goes into Scramble Mode. Is it the playback? Did we lose the feed? Is it a transmitter issue? Check the link to the transmitter. Call the on-call engineer. Where's his number? Somebody get the phone! Where in the Chyron did they file the "audio difficulties" crawl? Oh crap, I'm gonna get fired. Not again.

And, of course, twenty seconds later the sound comes back, and watching Tom's reaction to being able to hear again, you realize you've been the victim of a sound gag perpetrated by some clever scoundrel. (That would be you, Gene.)

We put up with a lot of annoying sound effects in master control: an incessantly ringing phone, a crying baby, or somebody giving birth - again - on "Grey's Anatomy." But nothing livened things up quite the same as that twenty seconds of sheer panic we got during a Tom and Jerry cartoon...

Except for maybe the ending on "Monty Python and the Holy Grail."

Yes, yes, Tom, we know there's a problem. We're working on it.

My Letter to Santa

2011-11-27T11:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa,

How have you been? Did you have a nice summer? How is the missus? Are the elves giving you any trouble? Does the Air Force fire missiles at you when you fly over Washington?

I have been a good boy this year, but you already know that because you are omnipresent: you see me when I'm sleeping, you know when I'm awake, and you issue nationwide Elf Alert System (EAS) tests. Anyway, I've held up my end of the bargain, so could you please use your quasi deity-like powers to give me the following items on my Christmas list?

Please tell CBS I want to see more football and less promos of their lame prime time programs. Oh, and if "Two and a Half Men" is America's #1 comedy, then I'm dating a Kardashian.

The next commercial pitchman who uses the phrase "(holiday or season) is just around the corner," should have Rudolph drop a dukey through his open moon roof.

Please make the FCC require all news programs that air segments on The Muppets (a Disney/ABC property), Justin Beiber, SpongeBob (a Viacom property), or Lady Gaga, to run a banner at the top of the screen for the duration of the segment stating THIS IS NOT NEWS, THIS IS A PROMOTIONAL PIECE.

When an advertiser uses his offspring in a commercial, please ask the IRS to deny that child dependent status on the parent's income tax filing. If the kid can be a television pitchman, he's earning income.

Please limit the number of country music award shows to no more than one per year. There's not enough good country music to justify more than that. And while we're at it, just give Taylor Swift her own category.

I like Brian Williams, but when he is anchoring, his job is to deliver the news. Present the facts. Nothing more. Every time any news anchor tells me how I should feel about a news story, please have somebody sock him or her in the kisser.

Please change the name of HLN to TMZ and be done with it.

Please tell producers of television dramas that the most important element of their craft is something called Honesty. It comes from the actors giving a moving performance that is inspired by quality writing and illuminated by creative and thoughtful directing. One of the finest moments I've ever seen on television was Carroll O'Connor as Archie Bunker giving a eulogy for a coworker. Archie didn't know until now that his friend was Jewish. He is conflicted. He's forced to work through some emotions. The camera moves in tight... I mean extreme close-up tight. The studio is quiet. No mawkish music. No coached audience reaction. No motion control camera. No tricks. Just Archie, a mournful, confused, and frightened man realizing the world wasn't always as simple as he thought it was, and that look his eyes as he finds the right words. Please, Santa, tell the producers of "Parenthood" and other dramas to watch Archie in that scene and learn from it. Turn off the grating, manipulating music in the last five minutes, and let the cast and the writing shine. In a world filled with internet scams and politicians and talk radio snake oil salesmen telling us what they think we should believe, we want... we need more honesty.

That's all I want for Christmas, Santa... a little more honesty. That's a lot to ask of television. But it's worth a try.

Head Games

2011-11-16T11:17:00.000-08:00

And now it's time to play every TV station manager's favorite game, "Wheel of Network Feed Screw Ups and Practical Jokes!" It's the exciting and unpredictable game where master control tries to outwit one of the Big Four network's technical operations center. Here's how the game is played.

One of the most pervasive misconceptions about how television works is the idea that local network broadcasters have full control over what they can air and when they can air it. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, there are many times when a local station is at the mercy of conditions beyond their control. As a player of "Wheel of Network Feed Screw Ups and Practical Jokes!" your job is to try to predict what kind of out-of-left-field programming move your network will make, while trying to pour through the 50 emailed contingency memos and revised timing sheets they sent, and discovering they've told you absolutely nothing at all... at about the same time the network goes to color bars. The player who runs their station the smoothest without the viewers seeing this...

wins the game! Let's meet our contestants and see how they're doing.

On the Fox board we have Smedly Katrowsky, who is running the 2011 World Series. He has 81 emails from Fox TOC with attachments for contingency logs for a rain delay, stand-by programming if there's a rain out, and a map detailing the precise location of the Ark of the Covenant, but no format sheet for the actual baseball game! During the National Anthem he discovers he has to go to the Fox Affiliate Relations website and download the ball game format sheet. He's on the phone with his department head trying to get the password he needs to access the format sheet. Right now, somebody is hacking a bank computer and stealing Smedly's credit card number in order to buy four hundred Easy Feets, but Fox World Series commercial rundowns require a user name and a password that gets changed every three months.

Over on the NBC board we have Cynthia Narcolepsy, who should have an easy time of it because, as everybody knows, NBC has no sports. It's "The Biggest Loser," two hours of overweight people stepping on a scale in their underwear. NBC: Proud as a Peacock.

Running the Alphabet tonight, we have Waldo Rathskeller. He's going to need lightning reflexes, because ABC never sends a printout of timings; you have to scribble them down from an electronic display on a tiny network monitor screen as they scroll by like the end credits on "Entertainment Tonight." Whoops! What's this? A message on the monitor says affiliates taking the seasonal option should insert their legal ID upside down only at :05 past the hour, wear a fedora, put their left hand in, take their left hand out, and take their local breaks following this formula:

(S=program segment time, c=the speed of light, d=Disney's stock price, t=the number of men watching "The View")

Oh, and "20/20" is live tonight. Good luck with that, Waldo.

Whoops! Fox is jumping to regular programming. Seems that instead of going for an hour, the big Ultimate Fighting extravaganza took about 30 seconds when one of the participants - get this - threw a punch. Quick, Smedly, cut to your recording of the back-up pre-feed that was sent at 4:00 this afternoon. What? Whaddya mean, "What pre-feed?" Hooboy. Looks like this Fox affiliate will be treating viewers to an extra hour of infomercials. Smedly is going to finish the competition in-

Wait a minute! We have a development over on CBS. Willie Fugett has dead air during the Republican Debate! Seems the moderator just told viewers that here in South Carolina we'll see the last half-hour of the debate... * but now the Eye has gone dark. And... wait for it...

Oh! I'm so sorry, Willie. Not only did you get hosed by a network switching error, but you just triggered a conspiracy theory that WSPA is run by dirty hippie liberals. But we have some lovely parting gifts for you backstage. Enjoy your next job answering the 800 number to order Easy Feet.

*Apparently, airing a debate in its entirety would have been a violation of the Letterman Act of 1992, which states that if the late night programs slide past midnight, Letterman will give the president of Viacom an atomic wedgie he won't soon forget.

Football on TV

2011-11-07T11:50:00.000-08:00

I worked a master control shift Sunday, the first time I've run the NFL golden time, and I've got to tell you it was a learning experience. At home, I watch football with a fleeting attention span. I don't have to actually pay attention to the procedure of the broadcast; all I have to do is work the remote and yell at the referees who seem bent on turning the sport into a playground tag football league. If things get boring, I change the channel or get up and eat something. In master control, as I've said before, we can't change the channel, and there's no MUTE button. Like or not, I'm taking the same ride as the entire network.

My first complaint goes out to whomever decides the Lima TV market deserves to see Cleveland lose... again... badly... instead of Cincinnati coming from behind to win again in a game against the Titans that would, along with the Steelers losing that night, put the Bengals atop the AFC North. I know there are a lot of Dawg Pound fans around here, and the Browns have a lot of history, but the Bengals have actually played in a couple of Superbowls and have a small chance at one right now. We know they'll get their helmets handed to them in the first playoff game, and yes last week the cast from "Glee" could've beat the Seahawks, but that's still more fun than being subjected to the Browns. Come on, CBS, cut us a break.

Fortunately, in our facility we run all four networks through one master control, so I had the Packers on the Fox channel. Throughout the day, I noticed a few things about the two competing networks:

The pregame shows start more or less an hour before kickoff. That's a lot of time to kill before anything starts happening, even with 16 minutes of commercials. As a result, the networks put five guys in suits at a desk on a set that costs more than your house and apparently instructs the "talent" to be as goofy as possible. The desk is made up of the following cast members: the ex-coach who's a little addle-minded but a legend so he can say anything, the ex-star player who looks good in Brooks Brothers and knows Payton Manning is gunning for his chair, the "character" ex-player who's meant to stir things up when he goes "off script" and talks smack to the ex-star player, the analyst who makes predictions my cat could've come up with...

"If the Buccaneers hope to beat the Packers, they're going to have to score more points."

and the serious African-American guy in Armani who is acts as the "anchor" of the show and keeps a straight face as best he can while the others make us all wish the network would just fill the time slot with Three Stooges movies.

Once the game starts, we begin the television cycle of break positioning. It goes something like this: kickoff, 3 and out, punt, commercials, run plays, score, extra point, commercials, kickoff, commercials, run plays, review the last play with a commercial break, the touchdown is good, extra point, commercials, network promos for Animation Domination or CSI, kickoff, commercials, 3 and out, punt, commercials, final play of the quarter, commercials... and all the while the "truck" inserts computer graphics to look like there are more commercials actually on the playing field. This practice really bothers me. I wonder of the players down on the field, bruised and sore, really appreciate the fact there's a commercial being electronically painted on the field they're getting beat up on?

CBS is the king of not showing us the game. After a commercial break, they'll show a single play, then go to a promo for the CBS comedy lineup. (On any given shift, I run "How I Met Your Mother" at least twice, sometimes three times. They should give that show it's own channel.) All the while, we're not able to see what's happening on the field. At one point during the Cleveland game CBS went an entire 10 minutes without showing us football. It wasn't halftime, and as far as I could tell nobody was injured. It was just a collection of let's-stand-around-and-not-play-football moments that had CBS running at least two, maybe three commercial breaks, a promo run, and showing us a lot of players standing around not playing football. It's the sort of thing that leads viewers to channel surf or go out and do yard work.

I noticed the NFL is running a public service campaign for young people encouraging them to get up and play for 60 minutes a day. Maybe they should encourage their players to do the same thing.

Thanks, for the inspiration, Andy.

Company

2011-10-31T04:35:00.000-07:00

And another hundred people just got canned by CC.

I don't think there's anything I can say about the latest round of firings at Clear Channel, the biggest radio company in America, that hasn't already been said. Certainly the post on Richards on the Radio blog says it as well as can be said. (See the new link to the right.) Misquoting Stephen Sondheim is about the best I can do.

The most hilarity from all this comes from the press release jargon regarding CC's new position of VP/Talent Development.

DENNIS CLARK's new position as VP/Talent Development will oversee talent development, working directly with key personalities, while creating a company-wide strategy to develop future talent.

Ever notice how companies who just laid off dozens of talented people at the same time find a way to create a dubious VP position for someone who most likely isn't qualified to park cars, much less be a VP of my cat's litter boxes? He'll work directly with key personalities, which at this stage of Clear Channel's demise means lame contest ideas will be exchanged when the three of them bump into each other at the urinals. As for developing future talent, that's going to be quite a challenge considering the small market stations, once the training ground for future talent, have all been turned into thousand-watt i-Pods with a sales department by the very same Clear Channel genius. This means Mr. Clark will be spending most of his time trying to corral first round rejects from "X-Factor" and offering the morning show to former pro football and baseball players who flunked the audition for Fox Sports Cleveland. Wonder what New Talent and Marketing Strategy the press release scribes will concoct to cover Mr. Clark's firing in few months?

And another hundred people just got canned by CC.

There's evidence that radio is not dead. In fact, ad revenue has shown an increase in 2011. So why the blood bath? Because the rise in revenue still isn't enough to wipe out the debt of buying hundreds of under-performing radio stations back in early 21st century. The ratings and ad dollars might be higher than a few years ago when the perfect storm of piss poor copycat content, persistent brain drain within the industry, a pop music industry woefully unprepared to replace the sudden career malfunctions of Michael Jackson, Prince, Paula Abdul, and the polarization created by rap, and lest we forget the Internet waylaid radio. But in terms of profit margins and media clout, we're still a long long way below the days of Wolfman Jack. The media choices available these days have pretty much banished radio to in-car listening, and even there it's hard to compete with my entire collection of MP3 files in a flash drive smaller than a car key.

The battle cry for government intervention to save radio is understandable, but I'm not sure it's practical or even obtainable - our current congress will gridlock over ordering a pizza if it'll put more distance between them and Obama's approval rating. (Now there's a guy with bad ratings waiting for the format change.) If you truly believe in a free market, then you have to ask the question: has the consolidation of radio killed the medium, or rather is consolidation a symptom of a media savvy public turning away from an increasingly antiquated delivery system? If CC sold your local station back to Mom and Pop tomorrow, would you tune in? If Mom and Pop stay with another ten-in-a-row of Today's Best Country followed by a four minute commercial break filled with snake oil for get out of debt, we'll buy your gold, and "male enhancement" pills, I'd have to say hell no. And if you think a local owner can engineer an overnight revival of a full service local format with gifted talent and knowledgeable news people plus a a sales staff with a conscience... in this economy... and generate a return on investment for the backers within a reasonable time...

Well, I have to admire your optimism.

The one thing congress and the FCC can do that would, in my opinion, make a difference is abolish the outdated rule forbidding the co-ownership of radio stations, TV stations, and newspapers within a market. A local TV station has the ready resources and talent pool and credibility in the community to take a reasonable risk on a radio operation. Sales people could make it part of a total coverage package that would consist of a relatively small additional charge, but the payoff for the advertiser would be substantial given people would actually now be listening to the radio station. It wouldn't have to turn a profit in a year, but it just might. The co-ownership rule was a product of a different era when radio and TV played on a more even field, and the FCC was under pressure to create a more diverse radio landscape. Today, diversity is easily obtainable on the web, and medium with virtually no gatekeepers. The co-ownership law has no effect on Internet enterprises that might originate within a geographical region, and let's face it, a web site has more traction these days than the printed-on-paper newspaper, so if the FCC is truly worried about diversity in the media... well, we wouldn't have Clear Channel.

And another hundred people just got canned by CC.

How To Tell a Story

2011-10-30T12:30:00.000-07:00

Scott Simon - you know, the guy on National Public Radio - has some helpful tips on telling a story that can be applied to the written word as well.

Geek notes: We're hearing Scott via a lapel mic, not the U87, but you can see NPR's house style of mic positioning from where the mic has been left. The sideways position allows reporters to rest their arms under the mic's position, while still having a clear sight line above it read the copy.

And now, an example of story telling in the Irish tradition.

"No Award For You! Go!"

2011-10-17T10:02:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't this just make you sick? You get a phone call from the National Book Awards saying your novel is nominated in the Young People Literature category. You start dreaming big. Then you get a second phone call saying OOPS, we got the name wrong. You're not nominated after all.

That's what happened to Lauren Myracle last week with the announcement of the National Book Awards nominees. You see Myracle wrote a book entitled Shine. The NBA nominated a book by Franny Billingsley is entitled Chime. Somebody thought they heard Shine when it was really Chime. Nobody caught the mistake until they heard the nominees listed on the radio. And then somebody got the fun job of calling Myracle and telling her the news. Read the details here via Publisher's Weekly.

People commenting on the story bring up a good point: it never occurred to anybody at the NBA to put the author's name with the title? No. I was once involved in a situation where I read the wrong name at an awards ceremony, and I have a pretty good idea of what happened. Somebody got in a hurry and didn't take the time to write the titles and authors down. In situations like this, there's no substitute for a pen and a piece of paper.

I don't know for sure what happened in this case, but what typically happens behind the scenes at things like this is a list of possible winners gets printed, and then as nominations are announced somebody puts a star, or an asterisk, or a check mark (or in the case of one incident I was in, they write down the number of what place they won, only to mark them through and write another number) next to the title on the printout. It's a noisy, confusion-filled environment with people running around and almost all of them thinking this is easy. Somebody heard "Shine" when it was really "Chime" and there you are.

Since my unfortunate experience, I have learned to be prepared for this sort of thing. I bring a legal pad and pen to live announcer events, and when the winners are called out to me, I write them down in my own handwriting, asking for the name again, asking for spelling when needed (was that Miss Iowa, or Miss Idaho?) and then running through it slowly before a microphone gets turned on, or in this case a phone call gets made.

This is why, like him or not, Ryan Seacrest and other talent show hosts have an enormously pressure-packed job on live TV announcing winners on "American Idol" and its imitators. He can't carry a legal pad and look like me in reading glasses with my finger holding an earpiece in my ear. He has to look like Ryan Seacrest and read it from a card or a Teleprompter (which can freeze and crash on the air). And during those not-just-pregnant-but-going-into-labor pauses while we wait for the name to be announced, the director is on the intercom making sure he and his crew know who is who.

"Who's our winner? Repeat. Which one is Candy? The blonde? The one on the right? Are you sure? OK, camera two you're one the blonde on the right. Zoom in tight on my cue. Again, the winner is the blonde girl on the right."

Maybe the National Book Awards should hire Ryan Seacrest to make their phone calls.

[Blogger's note: The spellchecker on Blogspot thinks "blonde" is spelled b-l-o-n-d.]

Reunion

2011-10-16T15:12:00.000-07:00

I finally got my picture taken with one of the cheerleaders... it only took 30 years.

Class reunions can bring about some strange and happy incidents and revelations, and now that a certain fan of my blog has promoted this blog to everyone at the Milford Class of '81 Reunion, the pressure is on for me to write about it. This is treacherous territory. In the pre-Facebook era a person could write things about former classmates without fear of the classmate actually reading it. Pen names protected our identities. (No one will ever know I'm really Mike Holden. Get it? I'm a radio jock named Mike Holden. Gads, I'm genius!) Oops! Not anymore. Facebook blows my cover. It also immortalizes really bad pictures. So, here is my gentle observations about our reunion with appropriate editing and censorship where necessary.

Yeah, that's right. We're a clique. Fear us.

First, let me set the record straight for anyone reading this who may be of a younger generation, particularly my wife. At the class reunion...

A. We did not dance or reminisce about Disco. We lived through the real thing, and that was enough.

B. We did not imbibe in Mary Jane. At my age, I have enough trouble remembering where I put my car keys. Grass is the last thing I need, thank you very much.

C. We did not get our reading glasses mixed up.

D. We did not subject each other to endless displays of photos of grand kids. That's what Facebook is for.

The event was held in a sports bar in that area between Milford and Loveland that we natives refer to as that area between Milford and Loveland. Nice place. Great band. But a word of caution for my friends from the Lima area reading this: I know you find this hard to believe, but this sports bar provides hard evidence of the fact that nobody south of the Dayton city limits gives a (vulgarity for a rodent's hindquarters) about the Buckeyes. There was no Ohio State regailia anywhere to be found. No talk about among any of us about that day's Buckeyes' upset victory over Illinois. Call out "O-H!" and you'll get deer in headlights eyes. Nobody in these parts knows the Ohio State fight song, and people here think Carmen Ohio is a local production of an opera by Bizet. This is my world. Welcome to it.

One thing became very apparent within the first hour: you ladies certainly have a lot more energy than we guys. The men stood around holding our bottles of beer and talking, while the gals whooped it up. Eventually, the ladies drug us out on the dance floor, which caused a good deal of gasping, heaving, and groaning... some of it from the people watching us. But you ladies... Wow. I never imagined a woman of [censored] years of age could dance the way you did. Things sure have changed over the years. When my mother was [censored] the only time she moved like that was the time she found a mouse in the dryer vent. Damn! You looked good. I've been trying to figure out why the ladies were full of energy while the guys were out of breath after the first chorus of "Mony, Mony." I think the kind of stories we tell might hold a vital clue to this mystery:

Women our age tend to tell stories that end with sentences like, "...and that's how I met Oprah." Men our age tend to end our stories with sentences like, "...and that's how I ended up in the ER."

One former classmate is involved in agri-business. Now since I have a connection with agri-business as well, it was easy to strike up a conversation on the subject. Actually, it's not really hard to get ag people talking. My father-in-law taught me well the simple starter phases for farm talk:

"Get any rain at your place?"

"Beans do any good this year?"

"!@*&ing government!"

And then there was the phone call to [censored] to make her feel like a part of the festivities in spite of being a long, long way from Milford. Somebody handed me the phone and told me to make her guess who I was.

"Hey. Remember me?"

Uh... no."

"I played trombone in band."

"Hmmm."

"Remember when you filed the restraining order?"

"Steve! Ohmygod! How are you?"

And there were the old photos, the old yearbook, the stories, and the memories. I ended up driving home with the classic rock channel on the satellite radio. A soundtrack for a fun evening.

A lot of people, once they leave high school, say goodbye, amen, and leave that world as far behind as possible. I can't say that I blame them. High school can a difficult time filled with insecurities, embarrassment, regrets over things said, and deeper regrets over things left unsaid. Many of us don't have the best of a home life, and once we move out to college we never look back. When we get word of a reunion, we may find even after all these years the idea of looking back too painful, and choose to stay home. Or maybe our jobs, family commitments, the distance is just too much. It happens. It's life. It's not always kind.

By our guess, there were about 300 people in the Milford class of '81. Since then, it seems like the world keeps finding new ways of tearing people apart. I'm not one of you, and you're definitely not one of us, and if you're not one of us, then to hell with you. Ohio is the Rust Belt; get out while you can. There's a lot that pulls us away. The fact that about 20 of us could get together and swap stories and compare hairlines is actually pretty impressive. You might even say magical.

After all, who would've guessed I... me... would dance with and get my picture taken with one of the cheerleaders. Wait'll I show my...

...wife.

The Wonderful World of Color

2011-10-02T11:50:00.000-07:00

Happy 50th birthday, color TV!

Sorta.

Kinda.

Well, not really. A few media sources are celebrating the 50th anniversary of color TV just a bit early. Yes, the first color broadcasts aired in 1951, but these were in the CBS Field Sequential system, not the compatible RCA system that would become the NTSC standard for North America. The real birth of color TV as you, me, and that Quasar I've got down in the basement is concerned, was in 1953. It took two years of litigation and an FCC TV license freeze before that got settled, and even then the first color TV sets sold like... well, not like hot cakes. More like Edsels. There were only a few color specials that aired infrequently until around 1960 when better cameras, the advent of color videotape recording, and a more reliable "film chain" to transfer color motion picture film to electronic TV made more regular colorcasting possible.

According to The New York Times archives, the very first experimental show transmitted in the CBS system starred Milton Berle, which is rather startling considering Berle's regular show aired on NBC. Apparently, greater New York wanted to see Uncle Mitly in a dress in color.

Oh yeah, that was the other thing; color only existed in New York and Los Angles for many years. There was no Internet to download the shows, and no computers to download it with. No satellite distribution; Telstar was a decade into the future. Even the relatively simple coast-to-coast cable that would eventually link network affiliates was years away. Networks existed through TV stations picking up each other's broadcast signals and retransmitting them in a "daisy chain" configuration, or via cans of 16mm film shipped to the LA stations in transcontinental flights that surely must've strained the network budgets. (And in this grand tradition, most live prime time programming to this day is delayed to air at 8PM in the Pacific time zone. And now you know why you know why California gets the "American Idol" finale three hours after everyone on Facebook in the East has been spoiling it.) Coast-to-coast live color was science fiction until about 1953 after the FCC standardized the RCA/NBC color system. The video below, an NBC promotional piece of the period, tells us when the first Tournament of Roses parade aired via the network cable "backwards" from west to east. The images you see in this film, however, are film. This is a 16mm film. Remember: there was no color videotape yet. All the color imagery lavished over in this puff piece is not the work of RCA/NBC, but in all likelihood a product of Eastman Kodak. (And then somebody had to encode it to run on this viewer.)

But by whatever means, we had color TV in 1951. Got that? You see, America must have color TV before anybody else. There was talk that the ruskies were starting color TV broadcasts, and we don't want to be behind the reds, now do we? So... even though only a few hundred people in Manhattan could see it, we had color TV in 1951. Period.

Even after a compatible system was put on the air, Americans, by and large, preferred to wait until they could stop making payments on the black and white set they just bought before plunging into color. Television sets were expensive, and color was considered a luxury well into the 1960's. It really wasn't until around 1965-6 that the networks put a big push on color, upgrading nearly all prime time shows into color and putting "in color" on the opening title. The biggest impetus for buying a color set in those days, however, came from the increase in NFL and college football games now broadcast in color. The Baltimore Colts in color? Honey, you can get by driving that Falcon for another year. We're getting a new Zenith!

So happy birthday to color TV. Yeah, it was born in 1951. But like most children, it took about 15 years for it to show signs of maturity. And then we could see Barbara Eden's lovely pink costume in "I Dream of Jeannie" in beautiful color. But we still couldn't see her navel.

Idol Thoughts

2011-09-03T01:45:00.000-07:00

Every now and then I get spam linked to an older blog post. In this case the email message went something like this:

Anthem belligerent uprising inspired consistent information ranking Anna Nicole Smith naked within the judgement of the cast of Friends buying cheap soup direct from the warehouse at amazing prices higher than mortgage rates dropping by the hour unless you count the last episode of Lost was hacked smartphone can connect to any carrier before the recall while sitting on a corn flake I am the walrus coo coo ca choo.

I have no idea what these kinds of emails are meant to accomplish, other than leading me to write about them. It's bad enough when I get another address book robbing-trojan-malware-scam-chain mail message from my mom:

Watch this incredible video. It will bring a tear to your eye and show just how America was God's favorite nation... until we let the queers in the Army. Send this to 500 of your friends right now if you are not a communist.

Anyway, another worthless "comment" sent to my blog lead me back to a post I made on "American Idol" back during the 2010 season. (Read the rant from April 14, 2010 here.) Upon reading it, I discovered something rather intriguing. It comes down to one sentence...

Doesn't anybody show up at Idol auditions who knows who Garth Brooks is?

Of course, you know who won Idol in 2011... Garth Jr.

Holy crap.

Did Simon read my blog and steer the show on a correction course towards America's current taste in pop music?

Well, of course not. America voted for the contestant they liked the most, and that would happen to be someone who reflects America's current taste in pop music: someone finally showed up at an audition who knows who Garth Brooks is. The laws of probability finally caught up with Idol. It was bound to happen.

Still, it is an interesting coincidence.

Looking back on old blog posts is a bit like having that angel from "It's a Wonderful Life" come along and force you to look back at all the stupid things you said over the years. Or maybe photos from college dorm parties would be a better analogy. Sometimes my writing doesn't seem to make much more sense than those scam emails. One thing is clear: I devoted more time to the blog back then. My personal life has been a bit hectic during recent months, and as it happens a blog for which I gain no monetary benefit and bare no deadline responsibility is not a priority.

But there are a few gems: times when I had something worthwhile to say and I manged to say it well. Call this my collection of Greatest Hits.

It may not be Christmas, but my tribute to the late animation director Bill Melendez is worth a look.

With severe weather, earthquakes, and the never-ending economic turmoil in the news lately, my post on the news media serving up a constant stream of crisis coverage seems to still ring true.

Take this post about broadcast operations struggling to stay on the air along the east coast, replace mentions of a snow storm with Irene, and you have a current topic.

Tired of getting blasted by sudden audio spikes during your favorite TV show? We're still working on it.

But my favorite post isn't obviously relevant, unless you consider the disturbingly high number of local advertisers who continue to insist on putting their kids on TV. Remember Falcon? Perhaps you know him better as the Balloon Boy, the child who's father started a media freak out when he claimed the boy was stuck in a runaway hot-air balloon... only he wasn't. This open letter to Falcon is very personal, and at least for me, poignant. I hope he's doing well these days.

Hope you enjoy the look back. This post is something like a sitcom reverting to the clip episode: the ones where the characters say, "Remember the time..." and we see clips from previous episodes. It's a cheater. I'll probably look back on this post and wonder why I couldn't come up with something better. Hey, they can't all be gems. Maybe the trick to life is not seeking perfection, but simply doing something you love.

Do You Feel Fresh?

2011-08-23T12:26:00.001-07:00

"What were the worst commercials on TV back in the '60's and '70's?"

A female coworker asked me this question after witnessing one of the more inane ads for a feminine hygiene product in master control. In our line of work, you can't hit the MUTE button, and you can't change the channel; it is our professional duty to sit and stare at the horrendous blunders ad agencies often make, especially when it comes to sensitive personal matters. This comes between the frequent acts of murder and mayhem necessary nowadays to make a TV crime drama believable; if one is of a squeamish nature, and one is snacking on peanut butter crackers, one learns a hard lesson to look elsewhere from the Fox program monitor during the first five minutes of "Bones."

Prime time stopped having The Family Hour back when "All in the Family" moved to Saturday nights at 8, and during the late night schedule all the gates are wide open. Nothing surprises us. Ads for boner pills stopped offending us years ago. K-Y jelly spots are rather entertaining, and since there are no children working the night shift, questions about a woman's "big moment" don't arise. In fact, considering the preponderance of the Geico gecko versus Progressive's Flo 24 hours a day, and the never ending tit-for-tat warfare between mobile phone companies, the occasional humorous spot about sexual enhancement is a breath of fresh air. Still, somehow ads for feminine hygiene products just haven't caught up with the times.

Click here to see one of the Summer's Eve spots that recently did nothing but cheese off a lot of people. I would rather you read about it via AgencySpy than link the video direct, lest I give someone the impression this spot is gaining popularity. I can see how someone would feel this is racially insensitive: the voice actress is about two shades way from Mammy Two Shoes in a 1940's Tom and Jerry cartoon. And by the way, why do ad agency creatives think all African-American women have linguini hair? McDonald's spots aren't much better at this. I have never met a woman of any race who wears her hair like a potted fern. Some Ad agency creative saw Whoopie Goldberg on "The View" and thought that must be how all black women look. (Here's a clue, dear CD... the woman's name is Whoopie.) Wow. It's still a long way from Madison Avenue to Harlem.

There were commercials for such products back in the '60's and '70's, and one in particular is legend. I don't remember the exact line, but it had to do with a woman feeling "fresh." It's been lampooned more than once in comedy skit shows. Why are the women out in a sailboat? I dunno. Of course, back in those days commercials like that aired pretty much only during the four to five hours of daytime "soap opera" dramas carried by all three networks. They weren't very likely to pop up in the middle of an episode of "Lassie" or "Bonanza" or "The Wonderful World of Disney." (Hey Mom, can we buy some of those napkins and put them on the kitchen table?) When women's products did start showing up in prime time - like the fresh girls in the sailboat - it drew snickers and criticism, but everyone had to admit it dealt with a quality product that dealt with a legitimate health issue. Guys may have rolled their eyes, but the intended audience - women - respected the honesty, such as it was. The spots may have been unrealistic, but no less so than Mrs. Olsen walking up to her neighbors with a can of coffee, and certainly more down to earth than the portrayal of women in Hai-Karate spots.

Which brings back to the original question... what were the worst commercials back then?

Feminine sprays?

Loud jingles for laundry detergent?

Toys that encouraged violence or anti-social behavior?

Super sugary breakfast cereals?

Nope.

After some thought, it occurs to me that the worst commercials are the ones for products you don't see on TV anymore... not since they were banned starting in January of 1971. Before that kids like me thought the Theme from The Magnificent Seven was the Marlborough theme. We knew before the coming of the metric system how long a millimeter was because it was oh so important to the enjoyment of a Winston. Filtered, menthol, less tar (I still don't know what that means) were all common phrases spewing from the television in the corner day and night. At least they didn't run during children's shows, but that hardly made a difference. If they had been around back then, the omnipresent Flo would be lighting up a Virginia Slims to the tune of You've Come a Long Way, Baby, and the gecko would sport a black eye while drawing on a Tarryington because He'd Rather Fight Than Switch.

Yep. I still remember them. Do you? That's what I'm talking about.

Stop Kidding Around

2011-07-31T10:33:00.000-07:00

Ever see a quote on a movie trailer and wonder what the reviewer really said? You know those quotes like (hypothetically speaking):

"...better than the first Potter." says Rolling Stone, or

"...recommend you see this film..." says The New York Times.

If you were to look up the actual review you might discover the full sentences to say:

"The first film in the Harry Potter franchise was so abysmal that by sheer effort this one couldn't help but be better than the first Potter." and

"I would only recommend you see this film as a cure for insomnia."

That's the Cut & Paste method of getting quotes. For the movie biz it's fairly harmless and somewhat amusing. In journalism it's misleading, sensationalist, unethical, and perhaps even slander.

WBBM in Chicago got caught with their journalist pants down as revealed by TV SPY via this link. The reporter gets the full context; the boy will have a gun when he grows up because he's going to be a policeman. But as you can see in the video right after the child says he's going to have a gun we wipe to another interview. You can't make an edit like that in a recorded pack without knowing what you're doing. And you can't say the reporter was a victim of some editor's hack work: I don't know the division of labor at WBBM, but in many stations the reporter does his own editing, or at the very least tells an editor where to cut. Furthermore, exploiting an adult's words in such a manner is at best borderline slander; doing this to a 4 year-old is heinous.

This incident also violates one of my personal rules of journalism and television in general: don't put kids on TV. Yeah, he's cute. I hate cute. Cute gets you in trouble. Cute leads to an entire heard of children on "America's Got Talent" getting into the competition when the judges, producers, everybody involved knows damn well a bunch of children can't be awarded a million dollar Vegas contract without severe legal issues, not to mention the fact the children may find it difficult to share the same dressing room with the guy who impersonates Joan Rivers. In commercials, cute leads to incomprehensible babble eating away at precious airtime the client should be using to reinforce the message instead of turning our TV sets into captive "look at my grandkids" albums better suited for a Facebook page. And cute in a newscast leads to unreliable and often insensitive reporting. The fact that children are far too often witnesses to crime is tragic enough. Putting one on camera and milking a quote out of him is exploitation. Not to mention a nightmare for the legal teams. Maybe not in this case, but when a child is a witness both prosecution and defense have to worry about the capricious statements of a 4 year-old on the witness stand. While I'm not a lawyer, somehow I think most 4 year-old children would be deemed an unreliable witness long before he ever reached the courtroom. And that's my point: if he's unreliable in court, he's unreliable on the air. And puts the reporter, TV station, and the company that owns it in legal jeopardy.

And then there's the whole issue of negligent and perhaps malicious editing making a 4 year-old minor look like a gang banger in the making. Oo, there's a civil suit every station manager looks forward to.

This incident brings to mind a recent gaffe during NBC's coverage of the US Open at Washington, DC. Somebody thought we needed a production piece about... well, nothing really... that featured children reciting the Pledge of Allegiance while golfers swung their clubs. (??) It was a collage - an artful marriage of images and sounds - NOT an actual bona fide Pledge of Allegiance. Sort of like the Star Spangled Banner in the Naked Gun movie in that you're really not expected to stand up and salute. Lost in the clever editing were the oh so hot button words "under God." The commentators, who had nothing to do with this, ended up issuing an apology while the gang in the truck must've been marveling at how two simple forgotten words could send the entire day into a tailspin.

All because somebody thought we needed cute kids on TV.

The WBBM incident will blow over... for most of us. But I imagine reporters from all Chicago media will face a backlash that may last for years to come. Want to get an exclusive from the mayor or any other source any time soon? "What, so you can hack edit me into saying anything you want? F___ you," will be the only quote those stations may ever get.

7 Easy Steps to Make a Superhero Movie

2011-07-15T10:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I took a break from the studio, and the moving, long enough to turn on the telly. There on a movie channel was the first Batman movie - you know, the one with Michael Keaton and Kim Bassinger. And I was hooked. It was the scene where Bruce Wayne tries to entertain Vicky Vale in the formal dining room, only to end up in the kitchen with Alfred telling boyhood tales on Bruce. I couldn't help but think that for all his reputation for the weird, Tim Burton's real genius was in this scene.

It's a warm moment counterpointed by the creation of the Joker. Bruce is trying to let his normal side come out and allow someone else into his life. Jack has been betrayed, and with a heaping helping of physical deformity is shutting everybody out and killing the one who betrayed him. Bruce doesn't know quite how to go about kissing Vicky... or is it part of his Bruce Wayne act? The Joker is enraged that he was betrayed over a woman. Both Keaton and Jack Nicholson are fascinating in their roles, and Tim Burton's juxtapositions make those performances pop. Only a commercial break pulled me away.

These are the things that are easily forgotten in the making of a superhero epic. A good director knows how to reveal character in deceptively trivial scenes of the mundane. We don't need to start from Day One to know who Bruce Wayne is, and he becomes even more intriguing with some of the mystery left to our imaginations. Yes, we are seeing the origin of The Joker, but Jack doesn't need a montage of disciplined training to get there; much of The Joker already existed in Jack's personality long before. The Joker's face is created overnight, but the psychosis, the deformity of a personality, was there all along. In other words, Nicholson's character was already a head case, so we enjoy watching him go over the edge and over the top.

This is fun. And that's what superhero movies are supposed to be. We came to watch Wolverine kick ass. I want to see Superman be super. I want Spiderman to climb the side of a building and throw a web at the Green Goblin. And I want to see Storm get her meteorological freak on. It would seem like an easy thing to do... but often times Hollywood drops the ball. And I fear watching the trailers for "Green Lantern," "Thor," and now "Captain America," the ball keeps getting dropped.

Why? How? I don't know exactly, but there does seem to be a system of rules in place in Hollywood for making, and consequentially blowing up a superhero movie. After years of exhaustive research in front of the TV, I think I've formulated those rules.

So, here they are. HOW TO MAKE A HOLLYWOOD SUPERHERO MOVIE

1. Acquire the rights to a superhero (a "property" as we say in the biz) who is a part of our pop culture heritage. He... or she (why haven't we had a Wonder Woman movie? What's up with that?) is legend. Their every nuance is a part of our daily conversation: Faster than a speeding bullet, Your friendly neighborhood Spiderman, It's clobberin' time! Don't make me angry... you wouldn't like me when I'm angry. You want a Brand Name property that is guaranteed box office gold with its familiarity. Everybody knows this guy.

2. Hit the "reset" (as we say in the biz). Reinvent the origin. Be sure to spend 90 minutes with Peter Parker searching for his raison d'etre. Batman can't get to ass kickin' until the Batcave has achieved perfect feng shui. Make sure we get to see Tony Stark invent every single detail of the Iron Man suit. In doing so, you are sure to annoy the casual moviegoer, and bore the fanboys right into going to see "Winnie The Pooh" instead. (Note: the original "Superman: The Movie" may be the one that started this trend, but it was justified. There were some contradictions and misconceptions that had to be put right. And besides, it was epic. Clark leaving home still gets to me.)

3. Cast somebody I've never heard of as the lead. (Yeah, again, "Superman." Nobody heard of Christopher Reeve. But that movie was freakin' epic.) Half the people who went to Tim Burton's "Batman" wanted to see just how in the hell Micheal Keaton was going to pull it off. Patrick Stewart as Professor X was good. Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark... now you're talking.

4. Get the love interest all wrong. What's so hard about casting Lois Lane nowadays?

5. Market the living daylights out of it starting at about six months before the release. Snag your opening weekend numbers. Then vanish from the face of the earth faster than Rupert Murdock's credibility. Then shrug when the box office tanks the second week. Blame Harry Potter.

6. Release the Blu-Ray three months later. Market the living daylights out of it.

7. Oh, and speaking a marketing, be sure to tie in with a cheesy promotion with a retail chain. My favorite: the "Green Lantern" tie-in with Subway featuring - for a limited time - sandwiches graced with the refreshing taste of avocado. Yum.

And it's just that easy. Follow these rules and you're sure to have a somewhat hollow and disappointing movie that creates enough fan buzz on Twitter to convince the suits that we can green light the next installment in the franchise saga. ("Sequel" as we say in the biz.)

The Big Move Part 2: Moving in a Monsoon

2011-06-25T16:35:00.000-07:00

It rained 32 days in the month of March this year. When we weren't sleeping or working at our jobs we were crouching in the basement from the tornado warning of the hour. It was not the best conditions for moving.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Before you can move from somewhere, you have to have a place to move to. A home studio was not in the plans when we bought our first house, but I was able to take advantage of the 100+ year-old house's quirks... a servant's quarters off the main residence has its advantages. This time we could choose a house with a studio in mind. Location, taxes, availability, and an upside-down buyer's market all played a role in our decision. After months of searching and negotiation we found our new home.

The basement would seem like an ideal spot for a studio, but basements have their disadvantages: proximity to the HVAC system, dehumidifier noise, bat cave acoustics, overhead footsteps, and the possibility the VO booth becomes Grand Central for plumbers and pipe fitters if the water heater expires. With every house we checked out it became more and more clear to me that I wanted my studio above ground. The winning house has just that.

The desk and some other furnishings were already in place when this photo was taken. A child's bedroom offered everything I wanted: quiet location isolated for the most part from plumbing and HVAC noise, three interior walls, a large closet, and a labyrinth hallway leading from the main section of the house. The single window faces the deep back yard. The central air condenser unit sits just a few feet away from the window, but the walls of this 1959 vintage homestead are thick enough to negate the noise down to a level I can muffle with acoustic dampening. That same dampening would also cut the flutter any bedroom without a bed tends to have. Nothing above, nothing below (the basement does not extend to this room, so there's a crawl space instead) and the only person who would be flushing the nearby toilet would be me, and I usually call a halt to a tracking session when such duty arises.

But first, there was a utility issue to address. The house has only a 100 Amp load center that was pretty much full, and almost all of the outlets in the house were original. A professional electrician was called in, and he agreed an upgrade was needed.

This is one of the decidedly un-sexy parts of home studio gear. This is the new main electric line running from the power company drop line to the meter. The power company replaced the meter, while the electrician installed a 200 Amp load center with plenty of room for expansion. The circuit running to the studio is isolated from the HVAC and kitchen side of the service, which eliminates those tube-surging, computer crash inducing brown outs from the studio power supply. Code-compliant outlets were installed to augment the existing Eisenhower era outlets, so there's no need to use a power strip to load a dozen devices onto one plug. And everything is properly grounded, a big plus from the old studio where the ground tended to disappear without provocation.

Next came the Internet connection. It is possible that I found that one house in America that did not have Internet in the boy's bedroom. Then again, they could've had a wireless router somewhere else. A shout out goes to Time Warner Cable's installation dude who showed up on time and created a very stealth cable passage. They also hooked up a new modem, but didn't take the old one I brought from the old studio. So now I have a backup modem.

Incidentally, there's nothing wrong with your monitor; that carpet is orange. So is the accent on the drapes. I think it's supposed to be brown... as in Cleveland Browns. You know, as in the boy living here was allowed to be a Browns fan. Alas, the things some parents will tolerate.

With the power and Internet ready, it was Go Time. The move was on... as soon as we could get the "all clear" from the weather service. At one point we were loading the car to the sound of tornado sirens wailing in the neighborhood. The National Weather Service does not condone loading a computer into your car during a tornado warning, but given it was the third warning for the day, and we were averaging around three a day for the past week, we had pretty much grown immune. During the first warning you run for the basement. During the second day of warnings you sit in the kitchen and watch it rain. By the second straight week of living in Code Red you just go about your business. In the TV station master control we were slapping off the weather alert radio every five minutes the way a college student ignores his alarm clock during Pledge Week.

Despite the weather, the move went fairly smooth. Here are the things I managed to do right:

Back up your data. Then... back it up again. "Triplicate" seems to be the buzzword for data protection these days. Get your sessions off the C: drive and use an external or second internal drive. Then back it up on a flash drive like this... it's surprising how much memory you can get on one of these things nowadays. CD ROM or DVD seems to be passe now, and a pain to burn. Consider a web-based backup if you tend to lose small objects. Otherwise, be sure to keep a backup OFF-SITE somewhere safe... like a locker at your workplace, or even a bank vault if you feel that strongly about it. Make sure your system and apps are backed up as well either with their original CD ROMs or on a mirrored drive. I came through with no problems, but prepare for the worst.

Save your boxes. I know it's pain to fill your closet with these things, but the package your gear came in is the best way to schlep it in your car. The padding and dimensions of the box help protect things from bumps and jolts. The original box is about the only way to carry headphones safely. They're not shown here, but my studio monitor speakers were still in the box used to ship them in the first place.

Most studio mics come with these handy flight cases. They were designed to take a beating from the airlines or a clumsy roadie. (I never met a clumsy roadie. I assume they don't stay in the business long.) Handheld mics often come in soft pouches that don't offer as much protection, but the original box adds a layer of shock absorption. Roadie Cat is checking the inventory.

Not shown: the pop filter was hauled by itself in its own box to protect the nylon screen.

Be prepared to buy a replacement for something. I got through mostly unscathed, but a power line to my printer developed a weak spot - probably from getting caught under something or maybe Roadie Cat decided to test it with her teeth. Don't be surprised if something hard to move gets nicked or dinged, such as printers, monitors, or a bull moose sound stage-sized mic boom.

What I didn't do was make out a check list of everything in the studio. A check list keeps you on track, and prevents inventory from wandering away... especially if you hire a moving company.

Coming up on the final chapter.... furniture chess: assembling the new studio and the art of acoustic dampening for fun and profit. Until next time... cheers!

The Big Move, Part 1

2011-06-05T17:55:00.000-07:00

So we decided to move. It wasn't a long distance move - only about 10 miles - but the distance hardly mattered. As I sat in my cozy little tuned-to-near-perfection voiceover cave I felt the dread of taking it all apart, jamming it in boxes, hauling it, and reassembling it. As I figured it, under the best of circumstances I would lose about 3 days of work. If anything went wrong...

Let me explain how this got started. Some people build a studio in their house in order to start a side career as a voice artist. Others are actors or radio talents (or both) who find themselves on the road schlepping from session to session and would like to cut the windshield time and get some leisure time back. I fall into that second category. It all started with a borrowed $50 mic and a Radio Shack mixer fed into my computer. Winter weather had endangered a session the previous week, and the producer at the ad agency suggested if anybody should be working from home, it should be me. Besides, my background in audio engineering and radio production would get me through the technical stuff. And so, holding the mic in one hand, and the script emailed to me in the other, I started cutting tracks. They didn't suck.

The equipment grew in number and expense. I employed some acoustical slight of hand to kill the flutter - a homemade gobo and a quilt on the wall. I moved up from a handheld karaoke mic to an AKG Perception 220 on a shock mount on a boom stand. I dug out my music stand from my days as a musician and stopped blowing takes with paper rattle. I even put a light on the stand as the little room in my 110 year-old Victorian had been wired sometime around prohibition, allowing for only a single overhead bulb. And speaking of Victorian wiring, the barely insulated stuff in the walls made for some careful configuring to avoid blowouts and buzzy audio. (One of the reasons I switched to a condenser was to kill the dynamic mic buzz.)

It wasn't Skywalker Ranch, but it made money.

And now I had to move it all.

This would have to be coordinated. First, there was the high-speed Internet to consider. A date had to scheduled when I would lose the least amount of work. Local TV work would not be a problem as our station's booth was set up for just that purpose, and if things got tight I could bend the rules just this once and do a little outside work in the booth.

The date was set. The Internet switchover was planned. Everything was a Go.

Everything, that is, except the weather.

Next post... moving during monsoon season.

Say What?

2011-05-31T08:28:00.000-07:00

The New York Times reports on a brilliant new idea from the bosses at CBS Radio... Let's try this: when the DJ's go on the air after a song has played, let's have them tell the listeners the name of the song and who performed it. And then they can announce the next song. Whaddya say, gang? It's just crazy enough to work.

Dan Mason of CBS Radio explains that at some point during the 1980's it was decided that announcing the songs was "clutter," unwanted talk that caused listeners to reach for the tuner. My guess is it was a byproduct of the MTV/VH1 age (remember when they played music, back in, back in, nineteen eighty-five) where the VeeJays didn't have to announce the song because there was a graphic on the screen doing that for them. Of course, by the mid-80's the profession of VeeJay had quickly deteriorated into being a mousse-haired ditz, and the radio waves were already filling up with youngsters trying to audition for that gig. It's hard to be a video jock on the radio because you don't have "the look" to back you up. You actually have to know what you're talking about. It's around this time when acts like The Clash, Sting/The Police, REM, U2, Don Henley... musicians who played instruments and provoked thought... were pushed aside by acts such as The Beastie Boys. Meanwhile, more seasoned jocks found themselves wondering why they even bothered to drive in to work. When "Here's the new one from Madonna" gets you a wrist slap for "clutter" a shift at Taco Bell starts to look more enticing.

The 21st century trend in voice tracking - mp3 filing your out-of-town DJ's into your local playlist log - hasn't helped. Many jocks don't have to sit through the songs they're not announcing. Why should they back sell a song? They don't even listen to the station. They don't even have to listen to radio, which is quite apparent when you hear some of the breaks they record. Suggest to a morning show host that he actually give the time and temperature, and maybe a quick forecast, and you'll get the deer in headlights look.

Which is why the CBS decree, and the fact that they made it public, is a faint flicker of hope for radio. It recognizes that air talent actually serves a purpose, even if it's only at the utilitarian level. Perhaps the idea that a DJ can be a personality to whom the listener can relate and trust will eventually follow. Maybe the idea that personalities who, given the right direction and allowed to stop tweeting and texting and not prodded into useless remotes at bars and tattoo shops, but instead encouraged to prepare their next show and even think about what they want to say can actually drive listeners to their station. It's a radical idea, I know. But it just might happen.

But first, we gotta teach these kids about ID, title, artist. We gotta teach them to mirror the music: after the last note of "Arms of an Angel" don't burst in like you're the emcee at an ultimate fighting match. Don't mention "American Idol" every time you crack the mic, and please learn how to pronounce the artists names.

In other words, don't blow this, guys. We're actually making progress.

I'm Back

2011-05-26T12:09:00.000-07:00

If you've been checking in now and then hoping for a new post, your wait is just about over. Over the past few weeks I've been busy with moving my voiceover recording studio... along with moving in general. I'd like to share with you how it all went down, as I know many of you want to know more about building and running a home studio. This was a great opportunity to start from scratch. And I learned a few things.

So check back in about a week or so. Hopefully by then we won't be living in a constant state of Duck And Cover (I'll have unique insight on the Joplin tornado in the future as well) and I'll have free time to write the blog.

Until then...

News Fixed?

2011-03-22T12:05:00.000-07:00

Anchorless news. Nothing new here. It used to be called newsreels, those anxious mini-movies that provide most of the documentary footage of World War II and other events of the '30's, '40's, and the 50's. Hard to believe now, but major movie studios ran news gathering organizations to put newsreels together, some with narration provided by personalities of the day such as Noel Thomas (more adventurer than journalist, but he was good at the mic.) but often with an anonymous voiceover in the industrial style.

It would be nice to wax nostalgic for newsreels, for there was a certain craftsmanship that went into them. Editing limited footage, often silent 16mm film, writing the narration to fit, and cutting the prearranged music cues of the studio's house orchestra to suit the story was an art form all its own. Newsreels, a film medium - not electronic, showed us what happened last week, allowing a certain amount of introspection before going on screen. But not much. Printing and distribution lags meant the narrator pretty much got one shot at the VO while the finished negative was still drying. It had it's limitations, but it was best newsgathering technology would allow.

There were other drawbacks. The rushed production meant newsreels often came across as if they were pieced together. And they had to be produced with a general theater-going audience in mind. Twelve to fifteen full minutes of hard, downbeat news would send the ladies to the powder room and the kids into a coma. It was felt to be especially important during wartime to present the lighter side of the news in the newsreels to break the pace. The unfortunate effect being that a squirrel playing a piano would be followed immediately by Hitler. It's small wonder that cartoon shorts of the day began making parodies of newsreels. The send ups of "SNL's" Weekend Update, inspired by "Laugh-In" and "This Is The Week That Was," can thank Tex Avery and Bob Clampett for their humble beginnings. It's only about 40 years from Porky Pig to Jane Curtain.

Which may explain why it's hard for me to watch Houston's KIAH "Newsfix" anchorless news without being reminded of the Whim-Wham Whistling Shark. Lee Abrams - late of the Tribune fiasco and inventor of album rock radio - seems to have taken his inspiration not from the Movietone News or even an episode of "M*A*S*H" but rather from Termite Terrace. Take the available video, add a hyperactive voiceover that sounds like the "TMZ" guy before his morning can of Monster, throw in some campy music and sound effects, and you've got... well, something that represents the current trend in news. It's the events of the day viewed through a heavy haze of 21st century snark. It's journalism by way of the Morning Zoo Crew. Don't give me the facts; give me attitude

But then I wonder if I'm being too old school in my judgement. Maybe this is only a reflection of what we already get as a news product from the so-called legitimate news media. Let's take a look at some of the stories that pass for news on a given day. On a recent day, the station I work for did an entire package on some event - I think they were exercising - at a local nursing home. Now, I don't wish to sound callous, but let me say from a journalistic point of view that, unless it is on fire, nothing newsworthy happens at a nursing home. That reporter's time could have been better spent at a city council meeting, or asking someone at the state level why certain communities in our area experience flooding again and again every time we get heavy rain, or doing research into the predicted economic impact of a high-speed rail system in our state. But no. We have grandma doing yoga. Can we go back to the squirrel playing piano? Is it any wonder America has turned a cynical eye towards the news?

Perhaps the whole idea of having our news gathered, compiled, written, edited, consultant approved, and presented in the grand tradition of radio and newsreels, who drew their role models from Vaudeville and Broadway, has had its day.

Perhaps the best form of anchorless news is receiving an email or a tweet from someone in Cairo saying, "We did it!"

Brains, Brains

2011-02-15T01:41:00.000-08:00

I'm working on a novel and getting ready to move, so there's not much time for the blog these days. Unfortunately for you, that means for this post you get a taste of my old morning radio show days. That's right, it's time for Joke of the Day.

The zombie army began their march to enslave humanity by eating human brains, but this time they planned their attack. Realizing that they could enslave humanity much faster if they took control of the media, the zombies set their sights on broadcast network television. They burst through the doors of the ABC Technical Operations Center in New York City.

"Brains. Brains," they moaned.

The master control operator thought fast. "Brains? You gotta be kidding. This is ABC. You won't find any brains here. Why don't you try CBS?"

And so, the zombie marched onward to the CBS Tech Center. They burst through the door moaning, "Brains. Brains."

But the master control operator there was also a quick thinker. "Brains? Fellas, this is CBS. You won't find any brains here. Why don't you try Fox?"

And so the zombies marched into Fox. "Brains. Brains."

"Sorry. No brains here. This is Fox," said the master control operator. "Try NBC."

And so, with the dawn just minutes away, the zombie army stormed their way into 30 Rockefeller Plaza and into the very heart of NBC...

where they were immediately put in charge of programming.

Snippets

2011-02-06T22:45:00.000-08:00

Just a few random thoughts on this post. I had to devote most of my spare time this week to moving snow from one pile to another, so there wasn't much of a chance to cook up a good blog this week. Anyway, here goes:

Superbowl Notes

The game was great. Rothlesberger haters will be talking about his picks for years. And you just gotta love the cheese heads.

The commercials had some bright spots, but not where I expected. The NFL promo featuring seamless clips from classic TV sit-coms was brilliant. The Audi "Prison Break" works on a "New Yorker" level of humor, and that's just fine for the target Audi buyer. The big build up to the Bud "Western" spot fizzled when it finally aired. Some of Bud's other spots were funnier. Ozzy Ozborne and Justin Bieber had fun at their own expense in a funny ad, but I can't remember the product. Nice one for the VW Passat. In fact, the euroluxo cruisers were battling it out almost as hard as the Steeler offense in the second half with spots for the "Big 3" BMW, Mercedes Benz, and Audi all running in full force. The other battle was among upcoming movies featuring superheros and robots for the arrested development target audience Hollywood serves these days. Biggest loser IMHO was the Ford spot I caught just before kickoff. I had no idea what they were selling. Just annoying.

Halftime: Oh boy. Ummmm... Ahem. (Cough, cough) Well... it gave me a chance to go get some snacks without actually missing anything... um... entertaining. It was pretty apparent this was a record label's idea. Where to begin? First, a word to the sound board guy - rule number one: get the mics on the air. Next - The Black Eyed Peas? Really? Is this 2005? They were barely tolerable even back when they had hits. And I'm sorry, I don't want to go all geezer on you but... whatever that was, it wasn't music. Seriously, why can't the Superbowl put together a high school marching band comprised of honor students from around the country? Or maybe just let the grounds crew tidy up the field while the PA plays Journey. Hey, I got it. How about a Zamboni?

It's Godzilla!

At one point last week I heard a local weathercaster say that much of the Midwest was under a "Lizard Warning." Such were the antics of The Great Blizzard of 2011. Judging by the way many people reacted to the storm, you would've thought ol' Radioactive Breath was stomping down the streets pillaging supermarkets for bread and milk. Chicago commuters seemed to forget their city is on a lake and well north of the equator. Reading the "Tribune" I was reminded that one of the charms of reading media from faraway places is trying to interpret the local lingo. I when I first read the headline, "Hundreds stuck on LSD" I thought maybe Lolapalooza had come early this year. I saw a number of news stories where stranded motorists said the most frustrating part was not getting any information - no tweets, no texts, no postings on websites from the City of Chicago. I heard no one say anything about turning on the car radio for information. Apparently none of Chicago's vast array of radio stations is considered a reliable source of information. People apparently expected Oprah to fly into their workplaces and tell them not to jump on Lake Shore Drive just as a major snowstorm hit. Ah yes. History shows again and again how nature points out the folly of men.

Idol Chatter

"American Idol" watchers were buzzing last week about Steven Tyler's outrageous behavior. What? You were expecting him to sip tea and quote Voltaire? (Rumor has it that when asked if he liked Voltaire Mr. Tyler replied that, yes, it was indeed one of his favorite cartoons.)

And Finally, a Geezer Moment

At one point this weekend, I needed to find the location of a house where a friend of mine had just moved. I pulled out the phone book and found the city maps. I was about a minute into my search when I looked up from the map, thought about what was happening, looked at my wife and said, "What the hell am I doing?" I'm using a map? In a phone book? What next, turn on the CB and call out "Breaker, breaker, good buddy?" I got on Google Maps and joined the 21st century.

Charge!

2011-01-31T12:50:00.000-08:00

The only thing I find more amazing than a technological advance, is how humans can find reasons why we should reject a technological advance. There's nothing new here. People have been leery of new-fangled gadgets ever since Early Man started working with tools and developing ways of recording information. Let's take a trip back in time and visit a couple of cavemen during a technological breakthrough.

Grog: "Hey. What's happening, man?"

Grunk: "Dig it. I'm writing."

Grog: "Say what? Writing? What's that?"

Grunk: "Only the latest, daddy-o. Look, I chisel some marks in this stone, and that's my name in print."

Grog: "Hey man, you start putting your name out there and, like, the Man is gonna start buggin' you. First they get your name, then they want to know what you're doing in your cave. It's the slippery slope."

Grunk: "Aw man, you're harshing my mellow. Hey, forget writing. Let's go watch some Ultimate Fighting."

Grog: "Groovy."

Of course, that's not how people actually talked back in prehistoric times; it just feels that way. Anyway, this constant battle between technology and privacy rages on to this very day. Which brings me to smart meters: electric meters that when attached to your home's wiring can sense the "electronic signature" of various appliances and send information back to the electric company showing more than just your kilowatt per hour usage. Smart meters can show data on how often your refrigerator runs, what kind of TV you own and how often it's on, the amount of power consumed by your washer and dryer, and even whether you go with XBox or PlayStation. The idea behind this is to monitor your usage so that power companies can make more informed decisions about routing power for maximum efficiency, and yes, telling you how to cut your electrical usage. It's a "green" thing. It's meant to help the environment and conserve natural resources.

So naturally there are people who don't want them.

There are two reasons people have sited against the smart meters: first is the charge that since these devices communicate to the power company by means of wireless signals, they must be spewing out electromagnetic radiation, which apparently can cause at least in some people dizziness, fatigue, headaches, sleeplessness, bouts of depression leading to rage-fueled outbursts that sends you to rehab and shuts down production of your sit-com for weeks at a time. I'm not a medical professional, so I'm not qualified to debate the credibility of EHS (Electromagnetic Hyper Sensitivity) or why people who have this affliction don't seem to suffer the aforementioned symptoms on a sunny day when the sun showers us with far more electromagnetic radiation than any device ever created by humans. Nor will I attempt to question the idea that if high amounts of electromagnetic radiation causes cancer, why is it my coworkers and I, or anybody else at a TV or radio broadcasting facility have not morphed into giant walking tumors?

On the second reason I am a little more prepared to debate. This reason sites that data sent back to the power company infringes on our right to privacy. I have studied this theory over and over and while I must admit there is a certain creepiness factor in knowing somebody miles away can tell what my appliances are doing, I remain baffled as to how the power company knowing I left the porch light on is a threat to my life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. Perhaps Mr. Burns and Smithers have some nefarious scheme afoot and all they're waiting for is Homer to tell them my refrigerator is running. ("Should I try to catch it, Mr. Burns?") And while it's true that it really is nobody's business if I turn on my Sony big screen and put in a Blue Ray of "Dukes of Hazzard: The Director's Cut" the fact is the credit card company already knows I own all of this. They know the second I swiped my Visa when I bought it at Wally World (who has me on multiple security cameras selecting, paying for, and lugging it out to the car) and already is gleefully sharing that information with various other marketing firms and advertising agencies. I could be wrong, but I think by the time a smart meter tells Burns and Smithers what I'm doing it is far, far too late to be worried about privacy.

And besides, I think I'm smart enough to know the difference between a slippery slope and an ant hill.

Big Brother is watching you... or rather he's watching your toaster oven.

Goodbye, Columbus

2011-01-08T14:50:00.000-08:00

What can I say about Ted Williams that hasn't already been said? He's the viral sensation of the moment, and yet, as a voiceover performer, I'm pressed for my opinion on the matter.

First off, everyone seems to agree that Ted Williams deserves a break, and we all wish him good luck. No one begrudges him for looking for work, taking advantage of an opportunity, and climbing aboard a media rocket to the stars. Yeah, he messed up in the past. A lot of people in radio and other professions manage to stay off the booze and other substances at least enough to keep a job, but these days being clean and sober isn't a guarantee you won't get the sack tomorrow. So, to some degree at one time or another, those of us who've been in the radio biz can relate to Ted's dilemma, and I wish him well. In this era of Snookies and Situations and nondescript rap stars, it's refreshing to see someone with talent, determination, and humility become famous.

Now for the cynicism. Oh, yeah, there's cynicism creeping into this. Maybe I've seen Frank Capra's "Meet John Doe" one too many times, or the fact that Ted sounds like John Tesh, or it could be that you don't work for as long as I have in the media without feeling suspicious of every move somebody makes. I've seen, or been in on, enough radio pranks, publicity stunts, PR maneuvers, and management tap dancing to know very little happens in the media by accident or pure luck. So please forgive me if my first reaction to the viral video was, "Oh. Yeah, Sure. He's homeless like Donald Trump needs pocket change. Nice free commercial for a Columbus oldies station. Clever. And he sound like John Tesh." But Ted turned out to be the real deal, and I for one am relieved that this whole thing hasn't been revealed to be a stupid radio stunt.

But my crap detector is still on full scan. It's cynical of me, I know, but maybe you could understand if you saw things from my point of view. I'm not saying you should be wary of Ted Williams, but you should be wary of the people and organizations looking for ways to exploit him. There are a few things you really ought to be aware of. I can't prove all these things with hard evidence, but trust me... it's true.

Ted Williams is quite cognisant that he is being exploited. He knows people are making themselves look saintly by hiring him or having him on their show. He might've been homeless, but he ain't stupid.

Ted Williams is not his real name. It's a radio name. Trust me. I've heard "Ted Williams" before, and I'm not just talking about the baseball player. It's a double-first-name nom de plume common in the radio biz, like Jim Scott, Jerry Thomas, Randy Michaels, John Stevens, Fred Richards, and Dick Clark, invented back when he was on the air in days gone by. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, that's smart. Like Superman he needs his privacy when he's not "on," and often times people are born with names that don't lend themselves to easy recognition in a crowded media world. Anybody remember Richard Starkey? So don't be shocked and dismayed when the story breaks that "Ted Williams" is a name he made up.

This had to happen in, of all places, Columbus? Really? What's with all the overnight sensations suddenly coming out of the Buckeye state? "American Idol" plucked Crystal Bowersock out of a wide spot in the road in Crawford County, "So You Think You Can Dance?" found Kent Boyd from Wapakoneta, (even if the judge couldn't find Wapakoneta. It's right next to I-75, you jackwagon.) and "Glee" is alleged to take place in Lima, although a film crew has never set foot here and not so much as an establishing shot has shown the real Lima. Oh, and while it's a coincidence, our new Speaker of the House John Boehner is from West Chester, (take note, news editors and proofreaders. That's how it's spelled, but it's pronounced like one word.) So, here again is another new star bursting onto the scene from Ohio. Don't get me wrong; I love it. But still...

The reporter who shot the viral video works for the Columbus Dispatch, which not only runs a newspaper but also owns radio stations and the leading local TV news station. And yet, the Dispatch Group couldn't find this guy a gig?

Next, I see him in Clear Channel Ohio, the organization that is responsible for more unemployment in Ohio radio than any other since the dawn of history. My Irony Alert was ringing like Big Ben.

Next, it's off to Smaltzapalooza, aka "Today." I hear they had a hell of a time flying him in because "Ted Williams" had no ID. Apparently the TSA folks never watch You Tube.

He swings by "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon." I'm sure Leno's people wanted him more, but it was all NBC could do just to get him to New York. I see glimpses of the radio personality he must've been.

It's announced that Ted will be the voice of MSNBC. (An image voice, as we say in the biz) NSNBC says he represents something. Apparently he represents pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. No wait... that can't be right. He represents the FCC's outright disregard if not hostility for broadcast radio. Hmmm, too harsh. I got it. He represents the fact that Clear Channel will hire someone off the street and put him on the air. Nope. We already knew that.

He records his first VO for Kraft, and it's captured on video and put on You Tube. No pressure, Ted, just relax, take a deep breath, and BE A GOD. The session is put on You Tube because the agency representing Kraft realizes Ted Williams' professional goal is to be an unassuming invisible voice, and that's not what this is all about. Send in the clowns and keep this circus running.

Besides, we can't run the risk that when the spot actually airs people at home will say, "Well, whadya know. John Tesh found work. Good for him."

Nostalgia

2011-01-04T23:46:00.000-08:00

Wanna see the TV we had when I was a kid. Well, here it is in this commercial from 1965. It was our first color set. My parents didn't buy a color set until I was old enough to operate it for them.

In the day, Zenith was considered one of the top brands for televisions, and as you can see in the ad, it really was built with a hand-wired tube chassis. Made in America. This was an advantage in the era, because tubes were much easier and cheaper to replace than an entire circuit board. Nowadays it's the opposite. The downsides to this technology: compared to today's TV's it was a power hog, it poured heat into the room, and it took about a minute to power up and another five or so to "warm up" to produce a quality picture.

Notice the ad promotes the rectangular picture tube. Prior to this model color sets had round tubes that fit behind a "TV shape" mask, with a flat top and bottom but rounded ends. You gained a lot of video real estate with the rectangular format. Compared to today's TV's though, the tube corners are rounded off and the whole thing had quite a bulge.

But the sound... This was one of the first sets to use the phrase "high fidelity." And it was. Separate bass and treble controls graced the front panel to adjust the FM radio quality sound. Now in those days, network audio traveled to local affiliates via special phone lines. This rendered all network audio - say like while watching "Batman" - in a quality more like AM radio. But it was still cool.

It's odd that the commercial overlooks a big Gee Whiz feature of this set. To change the channel, you pushed a button on the front panel, which engaged a motor drive that turned the channel selector until it stopped at the next local channel. This function was not electronic, but rather electro-mechanical: the local Zenith dealer pre-set the motorized channel selector to stop at local channels. (VHF only. The UHF tuner was a separate knob that you have to adjust manually. A real pain if you wanted to change UHF stations. TV's like this couldn't have sold well in UHF only cities like Fort Wayne.) But if you wanted to go backwards, you had to reach around behind the set and turn a manual knob.

Still, it was a reliable, robust system that served us until 1980 or so. Not bad. In fact, the quality really did go in.

How To Annoy Master Control

2011-01-02T21:41:00.000-08:00

In another installment in my continuing series learn how to interact with your local television broadcasters.

If you call NBC and try to get through to Brian Williams, chances are you won't. He's a star, and the NBC phone maze is designed to keep the typical person who might keep Mr. Williams from focusing on his job with conversation that might be more than a little distracting. ("Hi. I wat chu ev'ry nat. Yur cute.") Other departments, mainly the sales and office staff, keep business hours and can also get away with a reasonable amount of honesty with the wayward caller. And if you happen to get through the maze and your call gets to the technical operations center (TOC) you'll likely get something that sounds like The Situation.

"Whadya askin' me for? I'm havin' a bagel, here."
(Somehow I get the impression that network TOC operators generally don't live in Midtown and lunch in The Rainbow Room.)

Your local TV station does not have such luxury, particularly in master control where the phone is manned 24/7 by a dedicated and highly motivated member of our technical operations team. Here's a photo of one of our team members.

Blog administrator has removed said photo of dedicated and highly motivated member of our technical operations team due to the fact that the bird he is throwing the camera is indeed NOT the NBC peacock.

Knowing that such a person has nothing better to do but answer your call, you the common television viewer can take advantage of this. Listed below are tips in how to annoy master control.

* Call with a news tip. Master Control operator will tell you you need to call the newsroom number... you know, the one we put on the air in every newscast. Ignore the possibility there might be an email address on the station website. After operator gives you the news tip number start your rampage about the abortion clinic on the south side of town. Leave no detail untouched. (You won't be able to see the operator throwing away the the strawberry yogurt he was trying to eat when you called, but trust me he does.) After five minutes conclude your call, but never do as the operator suggests and actually call the news department because you know Obama has told us not to tell the truth.

* Something is wrong with your sound. Call master control. Don't bother to check to see if any other cable channel is doing the same thing. Start the conversation with, "What's wrong with your station?" Operator will scan the wall of meters and monitors in front of him and tell you all on his end is operating as it should; the issue must be at your end. Refuse to accept this as fact. The operator can't know what he's talking about. Don't be dissuaded by the fact that you are the only person who's called in with this issue, and if the station was indeed transmitting its audio in Spanish there's a fairly strong possibility that some other viewer just might be calling in to say something about it. Be sure to keep operator on the phone through at least one sloppy local break. When your three year-old nephew walks up and shows you the SAP button on your remote, share a laugh with the master control operator. OK. Assume he's laughing on the inside.

* Buy a case of cheap beer. Chug it. Call master control during the eleven. Hilarity ensures.

* Your cousin, wife, or both just got sent to prison for shooting somebody, and the TV news showed her being sentenced. Call master control and threaten slander lawsuit for defaming your cousin's character. Operator will ask you to call back during business hours. You say you'll do more than that; you just may show up and teach somebody a lesson. An hour later ponder why you're spending the night having a very uncomfortable conversation with people who wear badges.

* You are in charge of public relations for well-meaning but disorganized non-profit civic organization. Produce a public service announcement on your own on. (running time 47 seconds.) Show up at the TV station lobby door at 1:34AM with your VHS tape wrapped in a plain brown box. Beat on door and buzz intercom. Master control tells you to come back during business hours. Leave the package at the door. An hour later ponder why you're in the back of a cruiser while the bomb squad blows your tape to smithereens. That was your master.

* If you work at the station, park in the operator's spots. No. Really. She won't mind walking two blocks back to her car when her shift ends at 3:30AM. Oh, and master control loves running out to feed the parking meter during "Good Morning America." It keeps them in shape. The fact that you find all four of your tires flat is just a coincidence.

* You take your scout troop on a tour of a local station. While in master control you say to the operator nice and loud for the general manager to hear, "Looks like you get paid to just sit here and watch television." Operator suddenly wants to show you the tape archive vault. He walks you down the hall and forces open a pair of heavy doors. He shoves you into the darkness. You suddenly realize master control is on the second floor.

And it's just that simple. And don't worry. In all seriousness, we in the TOC would never resort to violence in retaliation. We broadcast engineers tend to be a pacifist group who believe in keeping our phasers set on "stun." Miscreants are dealt with by our Security Officer Lt. Worf, and you would simply be placed in the brig for the remainder of the journey... where one of our dedicated and highly motivated technical operations team members will keep you company by talking about "Star Trek."

You've been warned.

An Apology

2010-12-05T16:20:00.000-08:00

I'd like to apologize. If at any time I have been rude, judgmental, or just plain snarky in this blog, and you took offense, please accept my apology. You, the reader, are not meant to be the target of my cynicism.

This blog has two main functions: to serve as an exercise in writing, and to entertain and inform readers of matters pertaining to mass media culture by way of someone who works within it - albeit on a relatively small scale. Yeah, I'm harsh when it comes to criticizing those in managerial positions in the media because I feel they've got it coming. Radio, television, and so many other branches of mass media and entertainment are essentially run by salespeople, and many of these people only look at their chosen profession as an advertising delivery system and forget about or pay little attention to the end user, the audience, who actually make it possible for their companies to make sales goals. I target these alleged professionals, not the lay person who is the intended general audience of this blog.

Why do I feel compelled to apologize? Well, let's just say that recently I've been on the receiving end of some Internet snark via certain on line forums related to one of my hobbies, vintage watch collecting. This is an arcane pursuit - sort of like Jay Leno collecting cars - and in reality I don't really need any one's approval of anything in my collection. But it can be helpful to commune with fellow collectors. Lately I've found that some posters on the forums don't really appreciate my contributions. So, I'm backing out of those forums... at least for a while. I can enjoy my hobby without a heaping plate full of snark. And in the cold light of reflection, it occurs to me that the pendulum swings both ways, and maybe this is karma kicking me in the pants.

Once upon a time, we lived in a mass media world that used "Input Only" technology. You turned on a receiver, and you took in the message. Any response you had to that message was limited by the technology being one-way in nature. You could laugh at a joke on "The Tonight Show," but you couldn't instantly tell Johnny you liked tonight's Carnac bit. That's one of the reasons TV shows used a studio audience: the performers needed instant feedback from somebody to tell them the show was going over well... or not.

And then we started trying out a two-way model for mass media - namely, talk radio. When I started in radio in the 1980's we were working in the prehistoric era of Anger. People called in to talk shows to complain, but in reality the goal was for the host to pick a fight. The host was the angry white guy, mad as hell and not taking any more. We used our primitive telephone technology to release the Anger... mostly back at the audience. The gatekeepers were doing the bitching, and in the case of Rush and Beck they still are, but they don't pick fights with the audience these days. The phone lines are screened. The agenda is locked in. We the audience can participate, but on a limited basis. Talk radio, for all its bluster, is still pretty much an "Input Only" medium: host talks, you listen. This is the world in which I am familiar.

Then along came the Internet. And with it came the Age of "Output." Everybody is an expert; everybody is an authority. I can blog, Twitter, FaceBook, text, and email almost anything I want out to you, while at the same time you can return the fire. And we don't have to listen to each other if we don't want to. In other words, I can "Output" all day, every day, and never bother to invoke the "Input" side of the equation. (Technically, this blog is not a push medium, but chances are if you're reading it, it's because I pushed a posting to you via FaceBook. I sent "Output" to tell you I've created even more "Output.")

The thing is, as any married guy will tell you, in real life the "Output Only" mode doesn't really work... at least not if you want to stay married. My wife has some "Output" of her own to share, and she'd appreciate it if I would shut up for a minute and listen to her. The same is true in the workplace. I know I've exercised my "Output" at work. We all do. But there's a point where I need to switch over to the "Input" mode if I'm going to get anything accomplished. You probably know a few people at work who have the "Output" part down pat, but really need to switch over to the "Input" mode more often before the boss does some "Outputting" of his own.

As for me being an expert, well, if you think I'm wrong about something, post a comment below. I'll switch over to "Input" and wait at least a day before I tell you you're wrong. That's a joke. I'm only kidding. See the smiley. :)

And Furthermore...

I got some suggestions via FaceBook for more "How To" postings... one of them from my boss. Look for those in the coming weeks, but probably after the holidays.

Got an email from Cathy who wants to know why, why can't the networks run classic animated Christmas specials such as Rudolph WITHOUT overlaying promos (snipes) during the show for upcoming programming that is not suitable for children? My answer: I don't know, Cathy. I just don't know. Maybe the Bumble oughta bounce some network execs off a cliff.

How To Write A Letter To A TV Station

2010-11-28T14:48:00.000-08:00

At the end of certain episodes of "H.R. Puffnstuff" Puff implores the viewer at home to "Keep those cards and letters coming!" Viewed today, these pleas come across a bit desperate. They weren't; "Puffnstuff's" ratings were great by Saturday Morning standards. But the Kroft brothers knew the old rules of children's television: tell the kids to let the network and local stations know you're watching and just how horrible your life would be, and how you would have to change the channel, if your favorite show were to be cancelled. Oh yeah. Believe me, nothing makes a TV station manger's day like a pile of mail from children.

These days, Puff would have a Facebook wall and Witchiepoo would be hacking his website. But even in the Internet age nothing gets a station manger's attention quite like a good old-fashioned hand-written letter. That's because hard copy ink-on-paper correspondence must be kept on file for the FCC. So, if you want to be able to read your letter in our public file and enjoy watching the receptionist try to remember where the public file is, you need to know how to write a letter to your local TV station.

Step one: know to whom you are writing. A vague "Dear Sir" will get you nowhere, and shows you didn't take the time to do your research. Indicate to the station manger with your very first words that you are a person of intelligence and decorum.

ex: Dear Liberal Scumbag,

Step two: get to the point. No long-winded introductions here, just tell the manager in a clear, succinct manner the nature of the problem you wish to address.

ex: You're channel sucks.

Step three: back up your statement with concise facts. Stay on topic, and avoid rambling off on a tangent. Provide specific information in order to clarify the time and subject to which you refer.

ex: Why dose you're station hate Jesus?

Step four: indicate any actions you feel the station should take to alleviate the issue, and welcome the opportunity to seek a compromise to reach a satisfactory resolution.

ex: Im going to tell my frends to boycoot the advertizers on you're channel.

In your closing, make sure to provide a means for management to reply.

ex: I know where you live.

And that's all there is to it. Follow these simple steps, and I guarantee your letter will be kept on file by the proper federal authorities in Washington, DC.

Oh, and if you're sending a letter during the holidays, be sure to include a fruitcake. The agents just love fruitcakes. And nuts.

Kill NPR?

2010-11-21T16:38:00.000-08:00

Once again, the battle cry was sounded to oust NPR from the American airwaves. The flash point this time is the firing of NPR news analyst Juan Williams, who made it known on Fox News Network's "O' Reilly Factor" that he feels nervous when seated next to a devout Muslim during a flight. To quote Chandler on "Friends," can open; worms everywhere.

As a result, NPR - that's NPR, not National Public Radio, for heaven's sake, don't mention radio anymore - fired Williams because...

"Juan's comments on Fox violated our standards as well as our values and offended many in doing so," said NPR President and CEO Vivian Schiller in an internal memo obtained by Fox News.

"This isn't the first time we have had serious concerns about some of Juan's public comments," she wrote. "Despite many conversations and warnings over the years, Juan continued to violate this principal.”

Bad air talent! No biscuit! But improper use of the word "principal" aside - so much for NPR being elitist - Ms. Schiller has the authority and a track record to back her firing of Williams. This is exactly how it's done in any media organization, be it public or private funded, including Fox. If I worked for Fox and went on CNN and said "George W. Bush is only saying things right now that will sell his book," my boss would call me in and say, point one: what the hell were you doing on CNN? and point two: You're fired.

Ah, but what about the first amendment? Didn't NPR censor Juan Williams when they fired him? Yep. The same way CBS censored the Smothers Brothers, and the same way the cast of "Saturday Night Live" has to run everything by Standards and Practices before the next show goes out. Being on a mass medium is a privilege, not a right. You gain that privilege by agreement with those who own control of that particular medium source. If you work for Disney, you answer to the Mouse. If you host a radio show sponsored by the NRA - yes, there are - you better not get caught at a rally for gun control legislation. Let me put it another way: let's say you work at Ford. Now, as an American citizen, you have the right to buy and drive any brand of car you want. Yes you do. But just try parking a Kia in that UAW parking lot.

Which is why the ballyhoo to drive NPR out of existence is a silly spotlight grabbing bit of congressional theater. Like it or not, NPR was exercising the same managerial tactics any other media organization uses. Oh, and even Mike Huckabee knows Congress doesn't "cut checks" to NPR or PBS or any other media organization. That would be a state run media, and we don't allow that in the USA. What Congress does allow is a federal funding go-between called The Corporation for Public Broadcasting which provides some funding for non-profit broadcasting for everything from "All Things Considered" to "Sesame Street" to "Antiques Road Show." The CPB funding accounts for something between 1% to 3% of total funding collected by public broadcasters, so yeah, cutting federal dollars would hurt, but not wipe NPR from the face of the earth. I wouldn't mind if public broadcasters were to be weened off of the CPB, but shutting off the spigot would only increase on-air fund drives and tie up Congress in a Battle Royale over something that isn't really a priority over, say, health care, or our troops in Afghanistan.

And besides... isn't outlawing an entire national radio network censorship?

Unstoppable

2010-11-13T18:10:00.001-08:00

Apparently, actress Heather Leigh plays the role of my wife in the new movie "Unstoppable." Actually, the official cast listing is "Findlay Reporter," and Deb's newsroom was in Lima, but since Deb still grumbles about having to chase that frickin' freight train halfway across Northwest Ohio I figure "Findlay Reporter" is close enough to the truth. That's about as close to any truth this film ever gets.

To paraphrase Alfred Hitchcock, a good story is real life with the boring parts cut out. "Apollo 13" would be pretty boring if we had to sit through the hours of waiting while Walter Cronkite interviewed NASA officials. The crew on "CSI" get their results without making us suffer the monotony of lab work. And even the best episode of "Law & Order" skates past just... how... damn... boring... a real stakeout can be. These are justifiable omissions in the name of pacing and storytelling. We, the viewer, appreciate the dissolve to the next day, or the Bang-Bang black screen graphic insert to get us to the next plot point. The story is believable, we just cut out the boring Real Life stuff.

But sometimes it seems like Hollywood cuts out all connection with Real Life altogether. It was pointed out at the time of the film's release that the opening scene in the Sylvester Stallone yarn "Cliffhanger" could only occur in real life in the perfect storm of 3 Stooges like malfunctions. this did not reassure me into going mountain climbing, but it did make me wonder if the opening scene is complete codswallop, why should I care about the rest of the story?

The movie "Unstoppable" leads the box office this weekend, and it's easy to see why. It's got the total package: Denzel Washington being heroic, lots of CGI action, and absolutely no connection with reality whatsoever. The story was inspired by a Real Life runaway train that somehow broke away in Toledo and headed down the tracks south towards Columbus. The Movie train tears through populated area in speed-blurred CGI smashing anything that gets in its way. Oh, and to up the ante, there's dangerous materials on board that will wipe out all life as we know it

OK. Here's the reality:

My wife, news reporter for WIMA radio, easily intercepted the train in Hardin County while coworkers and I back at the station wondered why they didn't just route the damn thing into Springfield, blow it up there, and do us all a favor. According to Deb, "Unstoppable" got as fast as 15mph... downhill. Bicyclists were outrunning it. Floats in the Tournament of Roses Parade pose a greater threat to pedestrians. The area the train traveled through was sparsely populated enough that railroad and other officials considered intentionally derailing the train before it could reach Bellefontaine. The main HAZMAT threat was the possibility of a diesel fuel spill from the locomotive. An engineer simply jumping on board was eventually the method used to stop the train. It ended up stopped without any loss of life or property in Kenton, Ohio, blocking a highway. As for wiping out life as we know it in Hardin County, I can't see a down side.

Finally, let me just say that, while Heather Leigh is a fine looking woman, this is not a true representation of what a real radio news reporter looks like.

In reality, this is what my wife looks like.

PHOTO REMOVED BY BLOG ADMINISTRATOR
DUE TO THREAT OF DIVORCE :(

Oh well. Reality bites.

Randy Michaels

2010-10-25T11:36:00.000-07:00

Ah, but I was so much older then.
I'm younger than that now.
Bob Dylan

I don't know what your first boss was like, but mine started water pistol fights in the halls, stole memos from competing stations out of dumpsters, and called certain stupid people boneheads on the air. I would arrive in the morning to a talk studio festooned with empty beer cans and reeking of cigar smoke. And we always... always rolled air check recordings for legal protection, and ran all talk shows through a 7-second delay. Such were the working conditions at WLW in the 1980's when your boss was Randy Micheals.

It was paradise for the 20-something radio geek. I ate sponsor-delivered fried chicken at 10AM in master control. I took a hotline call from Pete Rose. I met Johnny Bench in the hall where he asked me for directions to the can. I fetched coffee for Joe Nuxhall. My name was playfully slandered on a fifty thousand watt signal by talk show hosts. And I drove the station van to live broadcasts and parked wherever the hell I wanted because I'm with WLW, sunshine. I was in the center of the universe where we could freely misquote the cowboy in "Blazing Saddles" with the line, "Piss on you. I work for Randy Micheals."

It worked at WLW. For one thing, the timing was right. Ronald Reagan was starting his second term as president. After the turmoil of the 1960's and the shame of the Watergate and in the eyes of many losing in Vietnam, America was feeling good about itself again. Superman, Rocky, Rambo, and Lee Iaccoca. It was in this era that Rush Limbaugh's show was born, while in Cincinnati The Big One began shaking things up on the radio.

By 1983 WLW had become the real-life WKRP: a sorrowful under performing AM radio station with an image stuck in the the Eisenhower era and an overabundance of agriculture programming. The personalities were playing Englebert Humperdink, and telling us news was coming up at the top of the hour as they voiced-over Herb Alpert's "Rise," rocking the volume up and down with each inane comment. The programming was boring on this three-call letter old lady of the golden age with tremendous signal coverage in the Midwest; the station relying heavily on being the flagship of a floundering baseball franchise whose fans still yearned for a bygone play-by-play man. It was nowhere near the top of the ratings. Something had to give.

What gave was Randy Michaels. After a successful stint programming rival WKRC to top billing in the market, Michaels gathered the finances to start a company to buy WLW, at a bargain price. From there on, it was simply a matter of luring away the best talent from WKRC and keeping those with promise already at WLW. Michaels paid big bucks for his air talent, going against the trend in most local radio. His philosophy was simple yet elusive for others in mass media to comprehend: The audience comes first. Without an audience, you have no ratings. No ratings means no sales, and no sales means you end up working at The Finish Line. Give the audience a reason to tune in, and everybody wins.

So, while other stations threw money at the cubicle farm hoping to raise sales revenue by offering incentives, deals, giving away sponsor mentions and naming the studio after a client as "value added," while firing well-paid talent and replacing them with a revolving door of mediocre card readers and wondering why clients balk at paying higher rates for lower ratings, Randy Michaels' "Audience First" approach propelled WLW to that rare position in the current radio status: a radio station that makes a profit.

By now you know how things turned out at Tribune. The same techniques that worked at WLW in 1983 didn't work in 2010. And I'm sure the phrase, "This ain't Cincinnati" was spoken more than once in the halls of the Tribune Building. True, it's not. Chicago, with its heritage of broadcasting legends and near legends, can be every bit as insular as any small market, and the infusion of Ohio upstarts invading the Trib was probably not well taken either inside or outside the studio. In the beginning of the "Audience First" approach on WGN-TV episodes of "WKRP in Cincinnati" aired back-to-back, interspersed with recollections by former Cincinnati DJ Pat Barry. I'm sure this was a ratings coup for cable viewers in Cincinnati, but even there a person has to be at least 45 to remember Pat Barry on Q102. For Chicago viewers, the closest this guy ever got to their hometown was a 1970's stint on WMEE in Ft. Wayne, Indiana. For Channel 9 viewers Barry was not exactly on the same level with Larry Lujack or Steve Dahl.

Of course, what really led to Michael's downfall was what's been described as a frat house atmosphere under his management. Lee Abrams' emailed PG-13 video was the last straw on the camel's back... or the last beer can in the studio trash can, if you prefer. You should know that Lee Abrams, the man who took underground FM in the 1960's, gave it a playlist, and called it Album Oriented Rock, is considered a god in radio circles. Many in the biz would sell a vital organ in order to work for this man, even if "Chief Innovation Officer" is the most fabricated title in the history of Mankind. Sending a porno email is neither smart nor correct, but it is Radio. If you pursue a career in Radio, you pursue in order to, among other things, work in an informal - dare I say frat house atmosphere. Female air talent I have known don't just put up with this sort of thing, they give it right back. As I've said more than once, sexual harassment in this workplace is not tolerated... it is expected. Going to work in a radio station and complaining about the atmosphere is like joining the Army and then complaining that nobody else in your company likes show tunes.

But maybe I'm wrong. Time moves on, and these days I'm not sure I want to be a part of that sort of thing anymore. I thought about sending Randy a resume a few months ago. But family matters intervened along with an overall sense of - no, I won't call it maturity. Maybe it's just that I've moved on. The world has. We don't rely on radio like we once did, before the Internet and HDTV. To work in radio now one must admit to something that Garrison Keillor has said before: radio is an antique. To work in antiques means you must love the object for its own sake. And in the case of radio that's an awfully expensive hobby. So, I've freed myself from thinking of what I can do as a career simply in terms of radio. Call it adapting to the New Media if you like.

Randy Michaels may have thought he was trying to force Tribune to adapting New Media, but perhaps what was really in his heart was a chance to play with WGN radio, and once again revive a boring three-call letter old lady of the golden age with tremendous signal coverage in the Midwest; a station relying heavily on being the flagship of a floundering baseball franchise whose fans still yearn for a bygone play-by-play man. Randy wants to dabble in antiques.

I hope he finds one. It would be nice if there was at least one radio station somewhere that was fun again.

Brought to You By...

2010-10-15T12:26:00.001-07:00

There's nothing new in stating that it seems like everything on television is a commercial. Since the days when Milton Berle starred not in The Milton Berle Show but in the "Texaco Star Theater," sponsorship placement has been the prime directive in television broadcasting. It can traced even further back to the golden age of radio when Jack Benny opened his show with "Jello, folks." During the late 1960's and through the 1970's the line between ad content and program content was drawn more deliberately, perhaps sparked by new rules on children's programs that required a definite announcement of a start of a commercial break and a return to the show. Talk show hosts made their departures to commercial declarative, but polite. The "toss" is the most important phrase a show host says all day. It's said that Merv Griffin's headstone reads, "I'll be right back."

So why does the current trend in "advertiser creep" seem more annoying than ever? Did I miss a subtlety somewhere - an ironic twist that sent up the whole affair - or was Thursday Night's installment of "Community" nothing but a 28 minute commercial for KFC? What was the point of that episode? Was there a media awareness message in there somewhere? And the live "30 Rock" got a plug gag in as well. They've done it before, and as before they handled it deftly. They made the joke, got the laugh, and moved on. The key difference here being "30 Rock" got the laugh.

But for the most part, advertiser creep is just annoying. You can make a game out of counting the plugs during major - or minor, for that matter - sports events. I would suggest drinking games based on taking a shot with every plug, but the danger of alcohol poisoning would be too great a risk. Every move on the field is sponsored event. The players now enter the Verizon Red Zone. Really? They've found another way to squeeze another dollar out of football. Most stadium names are now product placement, some of them causing no end to befuddlement to the national network announcers who have to enunciate the corporate market research-based idiosyncratic name of the home field. It's my understanding that being sent to Qualcomm Stadium is considered a punishment for past transgressions.

There's a fine review in the The New York Times that points out the issue in NBC's "School Pride." Here's a brief quote from the article:

No science classroom or computer laboratory is refurbished without getting a huge Microsoft logo over the door. The camera lingers on a Hewlett-Packard logo; students and teachers shriek with delight during shopping trips to Wal-Mart and Home Depot.

OK, so these sponsors are footing the bill for these school makeovers, and they certainly deserve credit where credit is due. But the question comes to mind: is this the right place to give credit? It's one thing for the show host to drop a sponsor name. It's quite another to have a corporate logo permanently affixed to a classroom door for students to see day after day. Aren't schools meant to be one of the few sanctuaries free of sales pitches and underage marketing? Isn't it bad enough scores of little girls walk the school hallways carrying Hannah Montana book bags, lunchboxes, and the like, while the boys trade Pokemon cards that tie-in with the computer games, that tie-in with the cartoon? I'm not sure I would like the idea of my child being subjected to corporate product placement in the classroom. I would think local school boards would take a similar view, but let's face it, many schools can't turn down the offer. I think that fact that a show like "School Pride" can even be made in this country is a sad, sad statement of our priorities in America. Someone watching this show would not be blamed if they came away from it believing that in America children are not gifts to be treasured and nurtured, but rather fledgling consumers to be exploited and manipulated.

And Another Thing...

A Fox News commentator (I won't mention his name in order to avoid making a star out of him) just had to make a joke out of the Chilean minors being trapped for 69 days. Really? Did they teach you that in journalism school? Or did you just forget you're not in the frat house anymore?

It appears most people prefer to get their news from the Animal House News Network. Fox scored just over 7 million viewers Wednesday night from 8PM - 9PM, compared to CNN's 2.67 million.

Random Thoughts

2010-10-10T03:41:00.000-07:00

In a broadcast television station, we are required to keep logs of everything that airs throughout the day. Every show, every newscast, every glitch, and - especially for billing - every commercial. These logs are legal documents subject to FCC inspection and corporate audit. They must be accurate in every detail... including the titles of the programs aired. Spelling counts. Therefore, the official, proper, legal title of this particular show is actually spelled as printed here, "$#*! My Dad Says."

Not "#&^% My Dad Says,"
Not "S___ My Dad Says,"
And not "Beep My Dad Says," as it comes down on the CBS affiliate timing sheets.

The legal title of the show is "$#*! My Dad Says." That's the title that must be printed on every single program log of every single CBS affiliate across the country.

During last Thursday's broadcast of "Private Practice" on ABC we were still seeing credits for co-executive producers at 16 minutes into the show. I don't know how many co-executive producers were credited, but I stopped counting after four. At 17:30 into the show ABC triggered the affiliate transparent logo because the program finally stopped putting up credits. The show started at 10:01 Eastern, which means we had credits from the content up to 10:18:30 on the clock. What I want to know is what exactly is a co-executive producer? How do I get that job? If I fetch Courtney Cox's Aquafina do I get a co-executive producer credit 19 minutes into "Cougartown?"

And now it's time for a visit from the man who loves to ruin action TV shows, Mr. Physics. The special effects in "The Incredibles"... sorry... I mean "No Ordinary Family," are quite good. But watching the wife run at Mach 2 would be far more believable if she wasn't doing it in heels. Those shoes would be melted down to nothing in about two miles. When she blew past the Arizona state line sign I kept expecting the coyote to light the dynamite.

Public service announcements (PSA's) tend to get loaded into the computer automation and are forgotten. They only pop up in the rotation at unfriendly hours when the station needs a time killer, so nobody in a responsible position notices the cobwebs growing on them. Some cable networks and local stations are still airing a public service announcement that's meant to inspire us to volunteer to help feed the hungry. It features President Obama speaking to an audience telling us that Elkhart, Indiana has been hard hit by layoffs and economic downturn. Yeah, it was... back in 2008. What's next, the Indian crying by the side of the road?

Sportscaster quote of the week: My wife caught Herbstreet on ESPN emitting this nugget of genus.

"I think Auburn can win this game, but they'll have to outscore Kentucky."

I wonder how much ESPN pays Herbstreet for that kind of in-depth analytical expertise?

And we end with a Lima sighting in "Glee." People have been sending local stuff to the show, and finally, after all these years, the impossible happened: a local Lima radio station got love on TV. Check this enhanced photo. (You'll have to click on it to really see it. Many thanks to the Gleek who made it.)

Another Blast

2010-09-25T17:45:00.000-07:00

At a recent meeting of broadcast engineers in our part of Ohio, the conversation at one point turned to the issue of wild audio levels on television. I've commented before on this site about the problem of audio spikes: those sudden surges of loudness that blast your TV usually when programming cuts to commercials. The problem has always existed to some degree, but has been made worse with the advent of digital television and its higher dynamic range. The broadcasting industry is feeling pressure not only from viewers but from congress, believe it or not, to bring these audio spikes under control. Believe me, we'd love to. But nobody seems to know how.

The obvious cure would be for TV stations to employ the same kind of balls to the wall audio processing many radio stations use. Your neighborhood radio station - especially the AM stations who have a hard enough time being heard - route the audio through a series of devices that act as an automatic volume control with the end result being you don't have to keep juking the volume knob up and down to hear the radio over the road. (Chances are your car sound system has its own auto volume control that adjusts based on your speed or, on more sophisticated systems, ambient cabin noise.) That is unless you're listening to NPR, who feels adding such artifacts to their product would be an insult to the audience, so trying to hear All Things Considered over the traffic noise requires listeners to serve as their own master control engineer.

The side effect of radio's power processing is that radio listeners rarely experience audio spikes. Problem solved.

And yet, in TV, we're still struggling to keep our viewers from getting a sonic lobotomy every time a local car dealer takes to the air.

Most TV engineers I know loathe to strap on the heavy-handed audio processing used in FM radio. Some networks want local affiliates to air their programming via an audio chain bypass. They claim that such processing adds to a feeling of bombardment for the audience - what we call audience fatigue. They have a point. Years ago, many TV stations did use the same audio chain as a radio station, and I recall the side effects could be awful. Prolonged silence on a movie caused the auto gain to crank up, bringing up the background noise. Then somebody would finally talk, and it sounded like a cannon shot.

This issue still crops up from time to time. The worst show on television - for more than one reason - is Poker After Dark. A bunch of guys sit at a table and stare at their cards... for ten frickin' minutes at a time. Nobody talks. The only audio content during this time is the poker chips, shrill plastic clacking, over, and over, and over, and over. And then they go to commercial. BLAST!

This reveals the root cause of much of television's difficulty in controlling volume spikes. In radio, programmers attempt to keep the medium engaged in constant activity. (Except for NPR, of course. Your tax deductible contribution pays for a lot of dead air.) Silence is not golden; it's death. Consistency is key. Keep the meters moving. In television, however, audio often serves to underscore the visual. It's considered perfectly acceptable for actors, particularly in dramas, to stare at each other just long enough for the master control room's silence alarm to beep.

Advertising agencies are also well aware of the inconsistencies of TV sound, and use it to their advantage. Consider this scenario: an episode of Law & Order goes to commercial. You get up to go to the kitchen for a snack. You're not watching, but your ear is still following the TV audio, but not really listening, just hearing the "buzz" of activity. Now, about a minute into the break, a clever spot comes on where the actors just stare into space. No sound. No sound. No sound. And then at about 15-20 seconds into the 30 second spot, the one actor yells. "YES! I WIN!" Our two actors were watching two snails as they creep towards a finish line. Snail racing. It's like waiting for your email on Brand X's broadband internet service. Clever. I should be a copywriter.

Think about how the viewer responds.

We've had a consistent buzz of audio activity over several minutes. Your ear has grown accustomed to it the same way you might grow accustomed to the hum of the fan in your computer... until there's a power failure. The silence is deafening.

The sudden silence gets the viewer's attention. Something's wrong. Did the TV station go off the air? Is there a problem? I gotta look.

And you look... just in time for the punchline and the commercial's message. GET CRAPCOR HI-SPEED INTERNET.

Meanwhile, for viewers just sitting there, and for master control who just woke up and reached for the switcher just in time for "I WIN!" to blast him to the edge of losing bladder control, this whole commercial has been nothing but an annoying exercise in lame comedy being used as a conveyance for another overexposed product or service I have no interest in. And this happens at least once a half-hour, for all of prime time and well into the late night lineup, every night, for usually two or three weeks.

And every time it airs, the station transmits another 30 decibel audio spike that could get us in trouble with the FCC.

Since it's highly unlikely that the FCC will tell content producers to watch the audio, or send a reprimand to the agency that produced that Mountain Dew spot where guys whisper for 15 seconds and then a woman emits a 30 decibel spiking eagle screech (oh yeah, that doesn't get old after four hours) broadcasters have little recourse but to use whatever means available to clamp down on the wild volume surges. Don't be surprised if your local TV stations start sounding like ROCK 96.3.

It's either that or master control operators start wearing Depends.

This Is Not A Test...

2010-09-13T07:59:00.000-07:00

The big hullabaloo last week among broadcast engineers was about a radio commercial that was setting off the Emergency Alert System. To be more accurate, it triggered certain brands of decoders at some stations, which lead to confusion and concern about FCC regulations. Here's the rule as stated by the FCC: (highlight added)

(Section 11.45 Prohibition of false or deceptive EAS transmissions.
No person may transmit or cause to transmit the EAS codes or Attention Signal, or a recording or simulation thereof, in any circumstance other than in an actual National, State or Local Area emergency or authorized test of the EAS. Broadcast station licensees
should also refer to Section 73.1217 of this chapter.)

Back in 1938 Orson Wells had the good sense to preface "War of the Worlds" with a disclaimer. The problem was many listeners tuned in late and didn't hear it. The FCC has been kinda touchy about triggering panic ever since.

OK. That seems pretty clear; don't imitate the EAS. What's so hard about following that rule? The problem crops up when an advertiser, in this case BP/Arco, who isn't exactly known for their good judgment these days, tells their ad agency, "We want to sound like an emergency so people will respond. Make fun of the EAS. DO IT! Or we'll find another agency who will." So, the agency's radio producer finds actual EAS data bursts, apparently from a station in Tampa based on location codes, frequency shifted them (sped them up) and talked over them.

It shoulda worked. Problem is some brands of EAS decoders can still read the data bursts in spite of the distortions added, and that causes those stations to log an "unknown event." And that causes funky log entries for the FCC to read when that station gets inspected. Remember that rule posted above; this ain't supposed to happen. Phones ring. Tempers flare.

The FCC was notified, but an official statement has yet to be made. Most in the business don't expect much more than some finger wagging and a reminder to station managers that they are ultimately responsible if something illegal airs on their stations. Problem with that is station managers aren't very likely to tell an advertiser "Your commercial will get us fined. We won't air it." Much like the way the illegal use of copyright protected music in commercials is winked at, managers are more likely to tell sales reps "Do it until we're told to stop, if we get caught at all."

After hearing from various people with scary titles behind their names, BP/Arco's agency Ogilvy and Mather released an alternative spot sans violation that could be run in place of the original. If you care to hear the offending spot, listen here. (Opens a player.)

At the end of the day, it's an infantile radio commercial that only caused problems for several radio and TV stations unfortunate to have installed an inferior brand of EAS equipment not capable of filtering altered codes. We did not accidentally declare war on anybody, and nobody in the listening public was greatly inconvenienced with the exception of, I'm certain, a few misguided persons incapable of discerning an authentic emergency message from a lame attempt at comedy most likely written by a college intern. Radio commercials are, by and large, not produced to engage the emergency management community, first responders, or anyone with an education beyond the ninth grade. They are produced for the stupid. This one clearly hit the bullseye.

Like OMG!

2010-08-31T01:54:00.000-07:00

In my fledgling days in radio I got a number of request calls for certain novelty song by Frank Zappa. I had no idea at the time that I was taking part in a shift in the portrayal of women in our mass media culture. The year was 1982. The song was "Valley Girl."

During the 1970's feminism had been the rule of the day. Women sought equality in every sector of life: equal pay and nonstereotypical roles in the workplace, at home, and in the media. Helen Ready sang "I Am Woman." Cher told Sonny to hit the road. Maude was more than a match for Archie Bunker. And Billie Jean King handed Bobby Riggs his male chauvinist hat on the tennis court. Woman were not to be disrespected anymore. Women were smart. Women were strong. You don't tug on Superman's cape, and you don't mess with Linda Carter as Wonder Woman either.

That all got flushed down the toilet with a single weird novelty song and a 14 year-old girl named Moon Unit.

Zappa's song was meant as a poke at the SoCal subculture known as Valspeak: a corruption of the English languish bred in the well groomed San Fernando Valley where female teenage angst usually centers around not having enough shoes or just the right color of nail polish for a sweet sixteen. These girls, born in the mid-1960's, had somehow grown up knowing nothing of Vietnam and thinking Watergate was some form of birth control. Zappa was astounded by the shallowness of these people's lives, and his daughter was able to supply the lingo that brought it all to life. He never intended to have by 1983 every girl in high school sprouting "Gag me with a spoon."

But that's what happened. The age of irony and arrived, and those who were in on the joke inflected their daily conversation with Valspeak the same way we might do the Homer Simpson "Doh!" when we make a mistake or do Doctor Evil's slow "Rrrriiiight," when we hear something nonsensical. We never meant for it to become a national trend, and we certainly never meant to make this a role model for our young women. But the damage had been done.

Soon, Madonna was proclaiming herself to be a Material Girl in a video that echoed Marilyn Monroe singing "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend." Cyndi Lauper took it in a slightly different direction, but basically the message was the same in "Girls Just Want to Have Fun." Julie Brown sent it all up again with her novelty song "I'm a Blond." As time wore on supermodels became full-blown celebrities, Paris Hilton became famous for no apparent reason, and female tennis stars now emit such extreme vocalizations during a match that I blush and hit the MUTE button when my wife enters the room.

Guys are not totally blameless. Somewhere along the line it became OK to call women "chicks" again, but in our defense we picked up on it only when women started calling themselves by that name. (ex: The Dixie Chicks) And speaking of country music, nobody was more surprised than the group Confederate Railroad back a few years ago when they released a song called "I Like Women Just a Little On the Trashy Side" and fans started requesting it at their concerts. Female fans. Dressed, you know... a little on the trashy side. You've come a long way, baby - in the wrong direction.

So, the next time you turn on your TV and scan into something like The Hills, Laguna Beach, Top Model, Gossip Girls, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Dating in the Dark, or anything where girls are sitting around having OMG moments over what dress to wear and what purse goes with her Benz, just remember it all started with "Valley Girl." It's the Zappa Curse, and we're still living with it.

Here is the original just to prove my point. Tell me this isn't the prototype for every girly reality show on the air. At least it's less than five minutes. That's more than I can say for its television offspring. Rated PG for being a bad influence and for being like grody to the max.

What a Wonderful Smell You've Discovered, Your Highness

2010-08-29T16:20:00.000-07:00

Word has it Star Wars is coming out on Blu Ray. Well... next year. The Fall of next year. But they are on the way, the "Adventures of Luke Skywalker" trilogy, with lots of special features. And you better believe the picture and sound will be awesome. Of course, the prequels will be released as well. Let's hope you won't have to buy the whole mess just to get the good stuff. (Like they did with James Bond.)

Oh, and these will be the Special Edition releases of the films, not the original cuts. For me, that's not really a deal killer, but I'd rather see the original cut of "A New Hope" and watch Han Solo fricassee Guido the way it really happened. According to Sound and Vision Magazine:

"Unfortunately, Lucas said that the Special Editions would be used for the original trilogy, because transferring the original cuts of the film would be too expensive."

Huh? Too expensive? To put both versions out on Blu Ray? You gotta be kidding. This is Star Wars we're talking about: the biggest movie franchise in history second only to that 007 guy. Since when is anything too expensive for Star Wars? Hell, George Lucas could buy the frickin' moon and turn it into the Death Star (TM), fly the 1977 negatives up there, move Technicolor up there to process new prints, and build the world's biggest 70mm projector and show the original cut to the entire western hemisphere. Too expensive? Yeah, right. More like you don't want to admit the less-than-perfect original cut was better.

Mic Reviews

2010-08-04T12:04:00.001-07:00

Check out these mic reviews at Recording Hacks. I was invited to take the blind taste tests for these mics and give my opinions. I have some additional comments, but first read the Recording Hacks reviews. (And bookmark the site. There's a ton of useful info there.) Then come back.

Click here.

Welcome back. First, let me say it was a pleasure to be asked to participate. I do not pretend to hang in the higher circle who record musicians in project studios, although I've worked in such studios in the past, mainly as an assistant. I work in broadcasting and operate my home voiceover recording studio. It's not in the same league, but we do have much in common. Mainly, we want the best sound for the project.

Each reviewer brings a certain number of prejudices and expectations when he listens to a microphone. No two people agree exactly on mics. For every person who thinks the AKG C12 in it's current state is a shrill disappointment, there are those who love it. For figure. All I can say is the Avatone knock-off served Taylor Swift quite well at a fraction, and I do mean fraction of the cost.

With vocals, I bring my radio and voiceover background, which wouldn't truly serve the needs of a vocalist and would run counter to much of what a musical producer is trying to achieve. Voiceover guys want clarity above all else. I'm willing to sacrifice a little low-end grunt in order to be heard against the clutter. I'd be OK with the Sennheiser MKH 416. But, for me, the perfect mic adds low-end grunt within reason while keeping the clarity. In other words, I'm a U87 kinda guy. Fine. But that's just me.

When I hear a folk/country vocal, I tend to think back to Dylan, Johnny Cash, and Simon and Garfunkel as my benchmarks. As it happens, these legends recorded at Columbia in the '60's - thanks to Mitch Miller. So, my bias is based on the techniques of the Columbia house style of another era. And, while this is embarrassing, I also herd a great deal of John Denver in the '70's. That's going to leave a mark.

I know even less about recording acoustic guitar. All I know is I know what I like. Usually, in a pop or country recording, the guitar is processed to stand up to the mix. String scrapes are avoided because the average listener thinks they shouldn't be there. (Hear any on the original Classic Gas?) Think of that power strumming in the Electric Light Orchestra's Fire On High. That's not natural. Very little about ELO is. And yet, that's what our ears can become accustomed to hearing. The only cure is to pick up a Gibson and strum a while. Learn what a real guitar sounds like. In my opinion, the person most knowledgeable to record the guitar is the person who actually plays one.

I truly believe all the reviewers' opinions reflected their preferred method of listening. I like to do critical listening on AKG K240 headphones. My JBL nearfields are not powerful and lack the complete low-end reach. (A sub would cure that, but then I have to upgrade my amp.) Speakers vs. headphones could make all the difference between thinking the Gemini II was great or just so-so.

As for the mics themselves, I have found a new respect for MLX, a brand typically thought of as a bargain knock-off. The Revelation is one serious recording tool. I'd love to A/B one to an AKG C214 or just about anything from Neuman just for fun. BTW: I've seen a 100 dollar price drop on the AKG. Somebody's nervous.

The Gemini we reviewed hasn't quite won me over, but it definitely has some chops. I'd like to hear a jazz vocalist try it out. Definitely got to hear it on a VO. It has potential. If you're mic shopping, try it out.

The real sleeper of the bunch was the MXL V89. Priced at around $330, this mic held its own against these U87 contenders. I absolutely MUST audition one of these for VO work. It could be the best bargain out there.

Expanding Your Possibilities

2010-07-31T13:21:00.000-07:00

About a year ago, I read a blog from a fellow voice actor who wanted to know how everyone else dealt with the problem of eliminating breaths from a voice track. Like any wind instrument, the human voice requires a moment of intake to supply the vast amount of output going on during a session. The half-second needed to refuel for another ten seconds of output can stir up quite a hurricane, often passing right next to the microphone's sensitive capsule. It's inevitable that some of those big draws will stick out, especially if a beefy amount of compression is being used for a high-energy broadcast spot. Her solution was to edit out the breaths in the DAWS, filling in any pauses with a small amount of studio ambiance recorded in the clipboard. It worked, but it was a slow, methodical solution. Was there a faster, easier way?

I remember commenting at the time that I had rarely run into the issue even in radio unless someone had tinkered with the mic processing. In my home studio the only curious knob turner is me, so things just work. But I couldn't help but wonder why some people had more trouble with breathing than others.

A few days ago, I was reminded of the issue while listening to a recent hit song via CD. The trend nowadays in the studio seems to be to pump up the compression - probably at the mastering stage - to the point where I can hear the vocalist's every breath... along with his mouth noises and even some plosives straining against the pop filter. Now, you could say a good vocalist should spot the problem and make an adjustment to fix it - change how he addresses the mic, back away during big breaths. But I found myself wondering why the producer thought I wanted to hear this guy breathe? Furthermore, this band does a lot of concerts. Surely, this vocalist doesn't huff at his audience all night, especially when he's eating a dynamic with the low end trimmed and the sound guy is using-

Expansion.

Of course. That was the answer. Sound guys on the road use expansion on the mics to prevent feedback and reduce the comb filter effect when multiple mics are open in a given space. In broadcasting, we use expanders as noise gates for the same reasons and to cut unwanted noise in the studio or the booth. Coming from a broadcasting background, it was automatic to me set up and use the expander/gate on my mic processing and not give it a second thought.

Expanders work like compressors in reverse. While a compressor reduces the gain of a signal once it passes above a certain threshold, an expander reduces the gain of a signal once it passes below a certain threshold. The overall effect, depending on how the expander is set, will be to increase dynamic range of something that needs to decay faster after it's initial attack, some percussion instruments, for example, or to allow only desirable signal levels to pass while cutting out anything that just lies there trying to cause trouble.

In broadcasting, the ultimate example of expander/gates doing their job is during The View. Without expanders set to serve as gates to stop the mic leakage, the whole show would sound like a cat fight in a parking garage. Watch Mike and Mike In The Morning on The Deuce and see how they eat those RE-20's. Again, that's live sound configuration with the mics EQ'd to filter off the low end to stop popping and excessive proximity so that the talent can eat the mics to break open the expander/gates. Without the gates, the studio ring (comb filter effect) would drive the radio listeners right up a wall.

So, how does an expander help the voice over artist? Easy. With the threshold set properly, the gate will "close" whenever you stop talking, thus reducing your breathing. No more breath cutting sessions in the DAWS. Plus, you're eliminating studio background noise so that your ambient "open mic" noise is virtually no noise at all. That makes editing much easier, especially if you're punching in something you recorded today into something you recorded last week.

Setting the expander isn't all that difficult, but it does require a bit of trial and error. And the setting you choose may be a bit of a compromise. You don't want the expander slicing off the trailing edges of your voice, and setting it too fast can make you sound like you have a cold, but you also want it to kick in fast enough to stifle the breaths. Some practice and experience voicing with the expander will help. A tweak here, a tweak there, and you'll get it. Just two rules to remember: don't set the expander threshold near or above your compression threshold, and don't set your compression threshold so far down it enters the threshold of the expander. Break these rules and you'll hear the expander working, causing a click or thump every time it attacks. A good starting point for your expander is -40db. Hopefully, you can tweak it down from there.

An expander does not solve all your problems. If there is noise in your mic cable, you will still have noise in your recordings, just only during the times you were talking. Same goes for bad acoustics. An expander can eliminate that last stubborn bit of room ring, but it's no substitute for proper room treatment, especially if you work farther from the mic.

I haven't had any success with plug-in expanders in the DAWS. They either chop words or sound like a bad noise gate on a 16mm movie. Personally, I believe in the "garbage in, garbage out" theory of production. Just like setting a high-pass filter on the preamp or using a quality pop filter instead of EQ, I believe you should eliminate the problem as early in the audio chain as possible. And besides, like front end compression, it sounds good in your headphones.

In broadcast level channel strips, the expander/gate is standard equipment, assumed to be essential to get the job done. I was surprised to find that many high-end recording studio channel strips from names like Avalon and Focusrite don't include an expander in the chain. I guess the feeling behind that is that serious project studios are quiet enough not to need gating. Maybe the practice of tracking makes mic gating redundant. Or maybe it's a way of forcing the studio owner into the "up sale" to a top-of-the-line model with expansion. Whatever. But it sounds to me like some record producers might want to look into buying a simple but effective DBX unit.

All's Fair

2010-07-31T12:07:00.000-07:00

Time to give credit where credit is due. The Ohio State Fair actually advertised this year. After years of being little more than a rumor outside of Columbus, the Fair bought television schedules throughout Ohio... even in Lima.

The spots aren't perfect. They have production values within the expectations of a regional marketing campaign, but they fail to transmit any summertime fair excitement. In casual viewing you have no idea the spot is about the Ohio State Fair until about 25 seconds in. With more critical viewing I become aware of stilted acting and really, really wish somebody would just announce "It's The Ohio State Fair! Going on Now!" rather than force the cute but vague "Fairtastic" hook. After 30 seconds I'm still not motivated to go. Also, based on the number of video line drops and the overall smeary look of the spot, I'd say the fair board managed to hire the one last production house still using three-quarter inch analog tape editing.

But, even with the faults, it's good to see the Fair getting the word out. Let's hope the attendance is up this year so things can get even better.

Set Phasers for Big Savings!

2010-07-26T09:04:00.000-07:00

I spotted this on John K's blog and just had to rip it off. It's William Shatner back before the Star Trek movies and T.J. Hooker doing a commercial for a Canadian supermarket chain. (Remember, Shatner is Canadian.) Poor guy. Once a starship captain now reduced to being upstaged by a guy in a penguin suit.

Actually, once you get past the cheese factor and the That 70's Show hair and sport coat, this is a damn good clinic on how to do an on-camera narration. Shatner is putting his acting skills to use here, using his hands at key moments and using facial expressions that feel real, not Johnny Plastic. Of course, when Shatner does something on-camera these days, he's doing a parody of himself. And that's fine because we get the joke and he's in on it. But back when this spot was produced he was still just "that guy on Star Trek" and he had to deliver this straight. And it works.

Shatner could be embarrassed by this, but he shouldn't be. This is fine work, at least in this spot. There others out there. You've been warned.

A Watch for All Time

2010-06-18T13:00:00.000-07:00

This is a Rolex Oyster Perpetual automatic wristwatch, reference number 6332, caliber A260, manufactured in late 1954. I wish I owned it. I found it up for auction only after it had been sold by preeminent Rolex historian and author James Dowling. I don't know what it sold for. As a vintage Rolex, one of the last true bubbleback models, I'm guessing it would go for anywhere from $2,000 on up. It's historic value makes it particularly interesting.

At this point you're probably wondering what does a nearly 56 year-old luxury watch with a fair amount of dial patina have to do with television. Stay with me.

Quoting from Dowling's website:

What is really interesting is the case back engraving, which reads “The Property of A. C. Nielsen Company Limited Oxford”; A. C. Nielsen are the company who monitor television viewing habits both in the US and in the UK. According to a 1956 Rolex advertisement all of Nielsen’s field operatives were issued with a Rolex watch, this is obviously one of them.

You've no doubt have heard of the Nielsen ratings. Each "sweeps" period a number of households are surveyed to find out what people are watching. This is deadly serious business, as ratings determine, for the most part, the rates networks and local stations can charge for advertising availability during a given time period. That's mighty oversimplified, but you get the point.

Advertisers ranging in size and scope from Time Warner to the Wapakoneta School System (I recently recorded a voiceover for their open enrollment spot. And yes, I can pronounce it.) pay to get on the air. That money goes to run the TV stations and networks, and also pays for those entities to subscribe to Nielsen. Ah-ha! You didn't think those ratings were handed out for free did you? Sure, the ratings become public knowledge, but if you want details, direct access, and to be able to use them in your marketing you gotta subscribe.

So, networks and stations pay Nielsen for the ratings. That fee goes to operate the Nielsen company, and apparently back in the '50's, to buy their employees Rolex watches. And now you know where the money goes.

Rest assured, here in the 21st century part of the Wapakoneta School System's budget does not end up as bling on the wrist of a Nielsen employee - except the CEO. Technology has changed, not just in how ratings are assimilated but in the fact that a $10 Timex will do what a Nielsen field rep needs it to do just fine. But back in the '50's quartz movements, electronic displays, and radio synchronizing watches was science fiction. Hell, Dick Tracy's 2-way wrist radio was still AM. These guys needed a rock solid, dependable timepiece to do the job. In the days of mechanical watches, Rolex was the choice. Rather than seen as a luxury item the Oyster Perpetual was seen as a precision tool, an accurate and reliable chronometer that wasn't grossly overpriced or made out of gold and diamonds. The estimated cost of such a watch in the day of purchased retail was $100. Nielsen undoubtedly bought theirs at a volume discount - something Rolex rarely does - which brought the price of each watch down at least a little.

Watch aficionados can argue that the Zenith Caliber 135 would've been a better choice, but let's not get into that.

This 1956 ad from England reveals some interesting facts. This was the fledgling days of ITA, the only competitor to the BBC at the time. Two channels. And yet they actually conducted ratings surveys in England. Why? Well, the BBC is government operated. Citizens pay a TV tax just to own a receiver. And like any branch of Parliament, we need disclosure, transparency. Is our tax money being spent wisely? Again, in that era the Rolex was viewed as a tool for the professional, not needless accessorizing. These days the British taxpayer would not stand for public funds ending up in the form of a Rolex.

Unless Camilla decides she wants a Datejust.

We also learn from the ad that Nielsen was actually using a mechanical devise to log viewing habits, the Audimeter. Sounds like a graph paper on a drum arrangement. A precursor to the People Meter? Setting the device to run at the absolute correct time is where the Rolex comes in. Check out that '50's era television. Anybody know the brand? You may be surprised to read that British ratings were also used to determine ad rates... on ITA only. Check out the ad rate breakout at the bottom of the page. A rate of 700 pounds for a 30 seconds spot seems rather quaint. (In those days "London Weekend" was like the Thursday night "Must See" lineup.) Ah, but it's only 385 pounds to get on the Birmingham transmitter.

Today, Nielsen has to track dozens of channels from cable, satellite and local broadcast, plus contend with recording devices in their various forms and the possibility of watching The Office on their phone. They have to squeeze their blood from the broadcasting rock, which finds itself in a revenue pinch due ever increasing viewer choices and an economy stuck in neutral. If a Nielsen employee wants to know what time it is, he can simply look at the display on his Blackberry. It took skill and talent to build those watches. Like the programming we see today, there is scarce little room for that sort of thing in television anymore.

The Amazing Chan Goof

2010-05-26T14:31:00.000-07:00

Opening credit. The show never really gave us a reason to believe Chan was all that amazing at anything other than reproduction.

I've been wanting to post this for some time, but I've been flummoxed by digital camera technology. I can't take decent screen shots to save my life. I work in television, you know.

Anyway, this was a show I watched back when I was about 9-10 years old. The Amazing Chan and the Chan Clan wasn't exactly the runaway hit of the 1973 fall Saturday Morning lineup. I'm not sure anything was a hit show that year. This was around the time I discovered just how superior Bugs Bunny and the Warner Brothers cartoons really are. Old Popeye cartoons, the ones in black and white, were cool, too. And Tom and Jerry, although Mammy Two Legs left us confused.

"Why do we see the home owner only from the butt down?"

"She's not the owner. She's the maid."

"Maid? Well how come the owners are never home? And why does she talk like that?"
"I think she's supposed to be black."

"Oh. Well, they must be in the South."

"Those cartoons are old, man. They were made way back in the '50's."
"No way! They didn't have color back then."

Well, getting back to the point, I found this episode of The Amazing Chan on one of the Saturday Morning Cartoons DVD's, and I spotted a huge goof. Now, Saturday morning cartoons are full of technical goofs. The minuscule budgets with which these shows were produced left practically no room to fix mistakes especially after they got under the camera, and so we see colors shift within a character's face as it was animated, eyes get flesh tones, Shaggy's sole patch never gets hair colored, characters seem to slip and slide all over the place relative to the background (registration errors), exposure shifts, and on the audio we hear a few lines from voice actors who were very obviously sight reading and needed one more go at it. Oh, and based on the acoustics I can hear on the audio at some point in the early seventies Hanna-Barbera must've moved their voice sessions to the back seat of a Ford LTD. Those things happen all the time. This mistake falls under the category of being a true cartoon blooper.

Today's episode takes place in New Orleans during Mardi Gras, where we see a good number of white people, lots of Asian children, but not a single black person.

The story eventually takes us to a "cemetary." Hmm... I guess they spell it different down south.

"What was that?" Two of the kids react to a spooky sound in the night. Probably it's the sound a of network censor who cut out any hint of violence or danger, but couldn't spell cemetery.

"Calm down, you silly girls. It's only an owl."

Obligatory reaction shot of the ugliest dog in animation history.

Here's what made the noise. But wait! Can you see what made me hit PAUSE? Upper left corner.

Golly. I had no idea koalas were indigenous to Louisiana. They appear to be a bit confused themselves.

Turns out The Amazing Chan was the first Hanna-Barbera series to have the artwork produced in a foreign country... Australia. I guess there wasn't enough time for the Aussie artists to do the research.

Other Chan Clan Fun Facts:

The Chan Clan musical numbers might sound like The Archies. That's because it is. Don Kirshner, the man who gave us The Monkees and The Archies was brought on to do the musical production on Chan. Kirshner engaged the services of none other than Ron Dante to cut the charts, as they say. Dante was the voice of The Archies. His "real" band The Cuff Links had a hit song "Tracy" as well. Busy guy.

You are my candy girl.

Jamie Farr, better known as Klinger on M*A*S*H co-wrote the Chan series. He also performed voice work in other H-B shows around this period.

Stop it!

2010-05-10T18:36:00.000-07:00

I just saw the trailer for Sex and the City 2, and again I have say it...

The phrase "We're not in Kansas anymore" is done. Really. I'm serious. Is there a contest of some sort among scriptwriters to see if they can find an excuse to use this cliche in every single film being made in Hollywood these days?

It's not funny, it's not ironic, and it's not original. A recent episode of Bones can be forgiven because there was an actual appropriate visual reference that gave it context, but even then every viewer watching could practically feel the line coming.

Stop it. Just stop it.

If you are writing a script right now, before putting the Kansas line in yet again ask yourself, will this line get a laugh? Will it move the story forward? If you're a trailer producer, ask yourself if this line will position this film above all the rest. Is it really necessary?

But then, if Hollywood only thought about what was necessary we wouldn't have a Sex & the City 2 would we?

Updates

2010-04-29T11:32:00.000-07:00

Here's some updates on some topics brought up in previous blogs:

Glee continues to rule, with some growing interest in the Lima community. Name dropping local landmarks is stirring interest in those who might not otherwise watch. The big "wrong reference" in the latest episode is the upcoming article in the newspaper. The name of the real Lima newspaper is The Lima News. (Catchy, ain't it?) I also noted they were eating at a restaurant named "Breadsticks" and there's no place by that name here, but then I don't think there's a "Breadsticks" in any town. Strangely enough, at the time this aired, a bunch of guys in the Lima Fox affiliate were eating bread sticks, from Olive Garden.

I hear some Gleeks are down on Kristen Chenoweth and want her to go away. Ouch, guys.

The honeymoon is long over. If you still harbor any thoughts of a "liberal mainstream media" check out the latest word from the White House press. Reporters say President Obama and the media have a surprisingly hostile relationship. They say the White House is thin-skinned, controlling, eager to go over their heads and stingy with even basic information. Hmmm. Sounds a lot like the Bush Administration, as well as the Clinton damage control team, but the same sentence could be used to describe the Nixon White House. So, can we expect Obama to start referring to the media as those nattering nabobs of negativism?

American Idol finally acknowledged the 1990's this week with a Shania Twain night - which pretty much explains why we forgot the '90's.

Something Borrowed, Nothing New

2010-04-14T11:35:00.000-07:00

This is the first season I've actually watched American Idol. It's because this season I don't have a choice - I'm running the local affiliate. I decided to take a positive attitude about the situation and try to embrace "Idol Fever" such as it was. A coworker informed me that the real entertainment value of first few weeks would be in watching certain contestants make total fools of themselves, and be on the lookout for the strange. Sure enough, I got the Pants On The Ground guy.

But despite my best efforts, I just couldn't get on board with Idol. First off I quickly confirmed that Ryan Seacrest is there as eye candy and nothing more. He can read that first cue card and that's about it. Watching Seacrest host a live show is like watching a squirrel run across the track during the Daytona 500.

But worst than that, I wasn't all that impressed with the singers who advanced, and as the weeks churned away we only seemed to be left with a series of alsorans. Conversations with coworkers who had ridden the Idol gravy train from the start told me I wasn't imagining things; this season of Idol is lame. The ratings bore this out when they hit their lowest ebb on Beatles Night.

So what's the deal here? After so many seasons has the Idol machine finally run out of steam? Is America's talent pool really that shallow? Or are we slowly realizing that aside from Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson the people who win pretty much get their 15 minutes on this show? (To be fair Jennifer Hudson actually won an Oscar for supporting actress and scored a Grammy for Best R&B Album, but that was in 2009, long after her 2004 win on Idol, so we don't really consider her career to be blooming due to the Idol afterglow.)

After listening to the show during this season, I have noticed one thing that might be the real source of the problem. It occurred to me at a point when Simon was complaining yet again about somebody's performance being old fashioned. Whoever had just performed had just warbled through some '80's drek during a week when the contestants could pick any song that charted at number one on the Billboard charts. That's when it hit me... I'm not hearing any newer music on Idol. Somehow, during number one week all of these contestants avoided anything that topped the charts in the 21st century and pretty much skated by the 1990's as well. One contestant did cover a Kelly Clarkson song in the early stages of the competition. It's pretty hard to not sound dated when you're singing Huey Lewis and the News.

You would think Simon would've done something to bring the show into the digital age, but instead we get Beatles Week. Now I'm a huge fan of the Beatles, and with something like 35 number one hits depending on the chart you follow it was easy to help these contestants who were clearly struggling with their song choices. But covering the Beatles is walking on sacred ground. Who wants to hear Idol alsorans mangle our cherished Beatles songs? There's pretty much only one performance of "Hey Jude" or "Let It Be" I want to hear, the original. That, along with the fact that the most recent composition they could use on the show would be from 1970, helped to sink American Idol to its lowest ratings since season one.

Could it get any worse? Oh yeah. Elvis Night. Ye cats. Get out the fondue forks, babe, because the cheese is flowing. What's next, Louie Armstrong Night?

Resorting to the Beatles in 2010 is like scheduling Lawrence Welk opposite Laugh-In. Again, I love the Beatles, and I consider much of their work to be timeless, but we have to ask ourselves why Idol keeps going back over 40 years for their music. The same can be said of the Rolling Stones week, although some of their best work came along in the '70's. If I were still working at an oldies radio station I'd be eating this up. Give an Idol contestant with any amount of genuine talent a choice of any song they can sing, they keep going back to Whitney Houston, Stevie Ray Vaughn, James Brown, Paul Simon, Janis Joplin, and anything you might hear on an All '80's Weekend on Sunny 95. And where are the country acts? It's not my cup of meat, but Country is today's pop music. Doesn't anybody show up at Idol auditions who knows who Garth Brooks is?

Granted, there may be some hidden restrictions on what songs Idol can clear for broadcast, and that's the real reason more recent hits don't make the show. I wouldn't blame some songwriters for not wanting their songs associated with American Idol, or tainted by a bad performance. Has anyone heard a Carol King tune on Idol? And maybe Idol doesn't want to pay composers what their songs are really worth. Paul McCartney has never had a problem with selling his songs to just about anybody, but he knows the Beatles are an exception to just about every rule in the business, and people will be buying "Abby Road" long after Idol becomes a piece of nostalgia, if it isn't already.

A few nights ago I met some friends for drinks at a local bar. This was not a fancy place and not a redneck dive, just a neighborhood watering hole with pool tables and NASCAR on the TV's. People kept putting money in the jukebox. I was probably the oldest person in the place. Most people looked to be in their 20's or 30's. A few guys in dusty ball caps sporting goatees may have been on final approach to 40. For the two hours or so I was in there, That jukebox never left the 1980's except for one time. At one point Aerosmith's "Dream On" played, and I was in the fifth grade. I don't need those kind of memories coming back to me after a few beers. But I had to wonder why these "kids" kept reaching back for songs older than they were? Did the bar owner simply not stock the jukebox with anything that was produced since they stopped using reels of tape? Maybe I was missing something. I also thought about what would've happened in the 1980's if I had walked into a bar and started punching up Patti Page.

I've been thinking about the exciting new sounds that were out back when I was in high school and college. It was the first generation of MTV: The Cars, The Police, Cheap Trick, The Ramones, The Pretenders, Genesis before Phil Collins became bigger than God, and of course Warren Zevon. It was exciting and new. And most of it was damn good. Why can't I feel that kind of energy when I watch music TV shows today?

Maybe I refuse to grow up. Or maybe the music business did and forgot to teach its children how to dance. Whatever the cause, I'm just glad I didn't have to spend my youth going through my parent's records to find anything worth hearing.

Ad Ventures

2010-02-09T12:08:00.000-08:00

First of all, it appears the big winner in the Superbowl Ad race is the Doritos spot going by the name "House Rules." There are numerous surveys and research firms ranking the Superbowl spots based on various criteria, and trying to list them all here is far more copy and paste hell than I want to go through, but the overall ruling is that "House Rules" rules. From personal observation, it's the first one guys seem to be calling up on YouTube when re-watching the ads.

What's interesting about this spot is that it was not conceived in the usual ad agency way. It was a contest entry submitted by an ordinary human. Joelle De Jesus of Hollywood, won $25,000 in the Frito-Lay Crash the Superbowl contest where muggles of the ad world submitted their entries for a shot of fame and perhaps job offers from the Hogwarts of ad agencies. (I'm sorry to say Joelle's hometown makes me suspicious. Would anyone shooting their spot in, say, Butte, Montana have as much access to acting and technical talent?) No two-hour spit balling meetings around a huge table. No "running it up the flagpole." And no inter-office ass kissing. Just talent free to do what real talent does... create something special. The difference in the approach is as clear as the difference between the reactions to the "House Rules" spot compared to Charles Barkley hawking Taco Bell.

This, by no means, spells the end for traditional ad agencies. In fact, the American Idol method of getting spots produced has been around for a few years now, and it pays big dividends for the agency. Why pay major dollars to a creative team when we can run a contest and let Joe The Producer do our work for us and get a better product on the air? Ad agencies will be just fine. Copy writers and storyboard artists, on the other hand, should be nervous.
"This agency runs on ideas, mister. Original ideas. Now you've got two hours to create an insurance spokesman that looks like that damn gecko."

The other noteworthy event in advertising this week is the boycott of ABC stations issued by some Toyota dealers in some southeast states. The president of Southeast Toyota, Ed Sheehy, of Deerfield Beach, Florida, doesn't want to talk about it, of course, but apparently ABC News Nightline coverage of runaway Toyotas hurt his feelings so he's taking his ball and going home.

ABC affiliates affected by this boycott have responded by simply switching on the network feed and running the full-minute contrition/apology spots that ran a blitzkrieg throughout all the networks' prime time Monday. Apparently Toyota national would rather confront the issue than cry about Nightline.

Although the spot comes off a little contrite and without soul to me. We needed to see the face of Toyota. Somebody needs to look us in the eye and say these things the way Lee Iaccoca did in the '80's. Instead, Toyota seems to be running and hiding from the world. News reporters have been told "politely" to leave the dealership when looking for an interview. Uh, guys... that's your opportunity to put a positive spin on the issue, or at least reassure us. When I broached the subject to my local dealer, the manager turned and walked away, leaving me with a nervous salesman. Not cool.

Local car dealers are not accustomed to this kind of controversy, and their reactions have been, in my view, mostly immature and knee-jerk. But you can't put all the blame on them, as Toyota corporate hasn't been setting the best of examples. It took over two weeks since the first recall notice for an "urgent" memo to hit local TV stations for the one-minute apology spot while an agency scrambled to cram all the sappy production values they could muster into one spot. In the meantime, local TV stations were left with no choice but to continue airing "Buy a Toyota" spots already on the schedule as if nothing was wrong. In contrast, it would've taken about a day, maybe two, to shoot a local dealer looking straight into the camera saying, "We're going to fix this. We'll do what's right."

If this situation was a murder mystery novel, Ed Sheehy's reaction would have the detective looking deeper into his character, and the reader would be thinking, "What's he hiding?"

More SuperBaloney

2010-02-04T15:09:00.001-08:00

On Thursday, February 4th, 2010, between 5:25 and 6:00PM, WHIO-TV aired commercials for the following advertisers who all used the classic Monday Night Football theme music in the background for a Superbowl tie-in.

H.H. Gregg
Kroger
Papa John's Pizza

All three of these companies hired ad agencies to "think outside the box."

SuperBaloney

2010-02-01T10:11:00.000-08:00

One the fun things I like to do on occasion is listen to Rush Limbaugh and take him about as seriously as I would Archie Bunker in All In The Family. I get a laugh out of some of some of his catch phrases, especially when he refers to the "liberal mainstream media." What he's doing here is making historical reference for the sake of baby boomers who grew up watching the parents on The Brady Bunch understand their children, Alan Alda on M*A*S*H speak out against war, and Billy Crystal play an openly gay character on Soap. In reality, of course, there is no such thing as a "liberal mainstream media." Aside from the fact that the phrase is an oxymoron - if the ideology being espoused is liberal, then it is by nature not in the mainstream -the reality is that the major broadcast networks are owned by conservative major corporations. Disney stands out, but Viacom and G.E. aren't too far behind. And, of course, Fox sets its own standard for conservative news coverage. These corporations employ pretty much the same kind of guy (yes, I mean men) to head their broadcast divisions: balding sales executives who wear suits and ties and a Rolex every day and listen to the smooth jazz station while driving their Mercedes S-class to work. These guys aren't interested in making political statements or seeing how many people their network can offend; these guys want ad revenue to go up. It's as simple as that.

Which brings us to the current hullabaloo over commercials on the Superbowl. CBS has accepted an anti-abortion ad from the conservative group Focus on the Family, but said no to an ad from the gay matching service ManCrunch. Let the fur start flying. Is it fair? No. Is it a big surprise? Of course not. Is there anything anybody can do about it? Probably not. Is it all a big bunch of hooey to get you to watch a Superbowl that might not otherwise interest you? Oh yeah.

For what it's worth, CBS also gave the nix to an ad from GoDaddy.com for being potentially offensive in some way. We're not hearing much about that, probably because they had other spots in the pipeline and GoDaddy.com doesn't exactly spur hot political reaction.

Make no mistake, these advertisers have a message to get out. Focus on the Family wants a captive audience for their message that might not otherwise go beyond the already initiated. They know that Tim Tebow shares their point of view and have enlisted him to draw attention to their message because Tebow can throw a football, which eminently qualifies him to contradict gynecologists.

ManCruch has a message, too. Unfortunately, that message doesn't go over well beyond Greenwich Village and San Fransisco. ManCrunch's ad agency knew where the line was, and crossed it with surgeon-like precision to get CBS to give them the boot, and generate far more buzz than a single Superbowl would have ever done. Clever.

So, is the network that once brought us Maude wussing out? Well, let's go back to that network executive in his Mercedes listening to Anita Baker. The first thing he did when the teams for the Superbowl were confirmed was look at the markets these teams represent. It's Indianapolis vs. New Orleans. From a Midwestern point of view one team is from Venus and the other is from Mars. But what really matters to the network is the economic status of these markets from which most of the viewer interest will come.

Indy is no cow town, but it's hardly in the same league with New York, Dallas, LA, Boston, or Philly. Once you leave the beltway, you're in Indiana, buddy. All you have to do is ask Dave Letterman how that works. The Colts' secondary fan base is in towns like Fort Wayne, where the market is so depressed that the CBS affiliate there has no master control. WANE is actually run out of WISH in Indianapolis. A lot of folks like Peyton Manning, a star in his own right who may very well enjoy a fine career in the booth years from now. But I would imagine Jets fans and Patriots fans feel no love for watching the Colts win another Lombardi. New York City may just sleep this one out, leaving the largest revenue market in America watching YouTube on Super Sunday unless somebody can stir up some interest. How about the ManCrunch thing? A-ha!

And there's New Orleans. I don't need to tell you the story of that market's hard times. They deserve something positive like this. But from the network's standpoint, the problem is not just the same, it's worse. In the aftermath of Katrina and the exodus of people searching for temporary housing New Orleans saw their market ranking drop 11 places. That ranking has recovered somewhat, but the economic status is lagging far behind. It's kind of hard for a CBS ad exec to convince Lexus to run ads on a New Orleans Superbowl. Don't expect to see a whole lot of brokerage firms and major banks on the air either. They're having enough troubles as it is. And as for ManCrush... OK. You run an ad for a gay dating service in the Deep South and see how well that goes over.

Tim Tebow speaking against abortion in the highly Catholic New Orleans? It's a match made in Heaven. In fact, in much of the South the Florida Gator quarterback doesn't speak for God... He is God. Perhaps CBS was afraid if they said no to Tebow, "God's gonna get you for that."

Oh, The Weather Outside Is Frightful

2009-12-20T14:14:00.000-08:00

Working in television is usually considered a sexy job. By that I mean it looks like it would be fun, and there's a certain fascination with what we do. Proctologists are far more important, I think, but nobody considers their line of work to be glamorous or fun, therefore proctology is not sexy. Radio was once considered sexy, but the music industry and talk radio hosts have pretty much sucked out all the glamor the medium struggled to hang on to. Let's face it, Wolfman Jack's appearance on the original Battlestar Gallactica was the harbinger for a dying medium.

Yes, TV has it's wowie moments. These usually involve conversations at social events where a stranger says something like, "I hear you work at channel __. Tell, me. Is (female anchor) really as hot as she looks on TV?" This is typically followed by even more crude commentary revolving around the male viewer being in possession of a "jet stream" for the female weather specialist. It's for reasons like this I generally avoid social events that involve an open bar. But, the cold hard fact is behind the scenes TV can be a lot of hard, dirty, and decidedly unsexy work.

This weekend, along the east coast of America, working in broadcasting was most definitely unsexy.

A major snowstorm lumbered through Washington, D.C. and New York City, causing all the problems we associate with major snowstorms: traffic backups, power outages, convicts on the football field in Baltimore. No wait. That last one happens every game. For broadcasters, a storm like this creates some major headaches.

First, consider that television is a 24/7 business. You can't cancel the workday due to weather. The show must go on, especially when the show is the local news that is covering the very snowstorm causing all the trouble. In other words, the entire News Channel team, reporters, anchors, producers, directors, graphics operator, audio operator, master control operator, live truck engineers, and the guy with a pickup truck with a blade to clear the parking lot, all have to schlep their way into the station in order to tell you to stay home. You can't work in television and be (vulgarity for poultry feces) about driving in the snow.

Next, just like in aviation, ice is enemy number one in broadcasting. Ice coatings on the tower add substantial weight and stress on the guy wires. Ice on the antenna changes the electrical properties of the system by adding resistance, thus forcing us to run the transmitter at lower power unless the antenna has a built-in heater or weather-proof covering. Ice chunks falling off the tower when the wind kicks up makes working under the tower a hard hat area and conjures up images of an inglorious demise via the priest in The Omen. Many transmitter towers are located on hilltop locations that are barely accessible by Hummer even in the best of conditions. After about four hours of getting panic calls from management, the chief engineer's cell phone usually takes an "accidental" dive into a snow bank.

But the effects of The Big Snow reached far beyond the east. New York and Washington are the homes of the major networks and their satellite uplinks. Saturday Night Live is a high wire act on its own without a snowstorm keeping the studio audience home, not to mention the cast and crew. And even if all is going well in the cozy confines of 30 Rock, the show still has to blast its way through the icy moisture in the air to make the 22,000 mile trip to the satellite... and back through it again if you're taking the feed in another snowbound city. That's assuming the transmitting dish hasn't been iced over like a giant frosted wedding cake.
The ESPN site in Bristol, Conn. during sunnier times. Losing this uplink in a snowstorm means nobody can watch the 'Bama game, and that's just not going to happen.

Again, these uplink dishes aren't installed in most accessible places. Any uplink dish has an automatic de-icing system that, under most conditions, stop the snow from collecting inside the dish and blocking the signal, but a major snowfall can hit too fast for a heater to keep up. And that's assuming the power stays on. Emergency generators can keep the network on the air, but generators need fuel and maintenance. Replacing a fuel filter in a Volvo diesel engine is a long way from sexy. If I had known I'd be doing this I would've found a job in a truck stop.

So, a hearty salute goes out to all the engineers and maintenance technicians who kept the networks, TV, and radio stations on the air this weekend. What you do may not be sexy, but thanks to your four-wheel-driven muscle and fortitude, people got the information they needed in an emergency situation, TV stations across the continent could keep their schedules, and commercials. And we could watch the Cleveland Browns actually win a game. Who says the Holidays aren't a time for miracles?

SOUND OFF!

2009-11-12T13:23:00.000-08:00

Since members of the House of Representatives are now reluctant to discuss health care reform due to the fact that many of them have discovered a severe allergic reaction to tar and feathers at town hall meetings, they have moved on to more life-changing legislation. According to the Broadcast Rules Service, Report #138, a House subcommittee has approved a bill (H.R. 1084) to "prohibit television commercials from being louder than the programming surrounding them." The bill is sponsored by Rep. Anna Eshoo (D-Calif.) who wants you to forget I even mentioned health care reform.

At this point I'm sure you are thinking the same thing I'm thinking... Thanks, Anna, for taking precious time away from dealing with California's fiscal disaster, wildfires, stuff like that, and staying on top of this loud TV commercial thing. The bill is called - I swear to God I'm not making this up - the "Commercial Advertisement Loudness Mitigation Act." That's right. It's the CALM Act.

Apparently, Ms. Eshoo has been blasted out her slumber one too many times while watching Grey's Anatomy and wants broadcasters to set the volume so that everything is at the same level. OK. Good luck with that.

Sudden changes is audio levels, aka volume spikes, blasting, or "WTF?'s" have been a concern since the early days of television. Back the 1950's viewers complained of commercials being louder than the shows... a tough point to prove since in those days most TV shows embedded the advertiser's message within the show itself and featured prominent product placement. (Zoinks. What a primitive approach to marketing. I'm glad we've progressed since then.) There have been conspiracy theories on and off throughout the years, until today when the problem seems to have reached epidemic proportions.

The real culprit is the conversion to digital TV and something called dynamic range - the amount of audio volume the TV transmission can carry from silence to the loudest sound. Analog TV couldn't reproduce a wide range of volume levels as digital can, thus your new digital TV is capable of being more annoying. Isn't technology fun? Many TV's today come with volume leveling options built in. Search the menu and you'll find an option that takes the blast out of commercials and changing the channel.

When asked about volume spikes your local broadcaster or cable company gives you vague or evasive answers because they honestly can't explain it. Viewers get blasted for a number of reasons varying from human error to collateral annoyance due to intentional spiking for entertainment purposes. The most common causes are:

*Producers of commercials employ a good deal of what's called compression/limiting to the sound. Compression (not to be confused with file compression) squeezes audio levels to a mean level, as opposed to a wide range of levels. As a result, operators ingesting the commercial into automated playback systems tend to set the input level higher, which is just the very thing the spot's producer wanted to happen. BLAST!

*Audio levels can vary when local stations cut away from the network to local spots. Network levels can go all over the place on the local board operator, while the local spots were ingested into the automation - you guessed it - at a higher than average level. Cable company local cut-in's can be even worse because there's no human intervention. ESPN is at one level; the local playback is louder. BLAST!

*Running movies on TV is the most extreme example of audio level du joir. Movies are produced to give the theater goer or home theater enthusiast a three-dimensional thrill ride. That's fine, except for when the commercials kick in. Let's say the movie just showed a scene between two people talking maybe two words at a time in a quiet room. The movie's sound engineer kept the levels down at maybe 30%. The next scene in the movie cuts to a sunny afternoon in Central Park. The audio level shift is sudden, but reasonable given the setting, mood, tempo, and style of the film. The director never in a million years intended for this transition to be interrupted by that weird Progressive Insurance lady. BLAST!

*Most TV shows tickle your ears with pleasing sounds, music, and voices. Many commercials are produced intentionally to be annoying, with screechy music, shouting voices, and what we call "hot mixes," meaning all of this is produced compressed to a level where every sound is fighting to be on top. You'd dive for the MUTE button no matter where the volume is set.

Many TV stations install audio leveling equipment that can minimize the abuse by reacting to changes in levels far quicker than any human. Plus, the autolevel available in newer TV's keep things steady. The need for legislation seems to be rather breathless at best; it may be another case of a politician trying to gain favor with voters by solving a pet peeve, rather than address an ugly but serious issue. Telling broadcasters to watch the meters is not necessary. Perhaps it's the politicians with nothing but pork to contribute who need a MUTE button.

A Letter to Falcon

2009-10-21T12:56:00.000-07:00

I have never told anyone about this. Not even my wife.

When I was in first grade, for whatever reason, we had some down time in the classroom. For reasons that escape all logic, our desks had been removed from the room, so the teacher told the students to arrange their chairs in a big circle. (It was 1969. Adults did weird things all the time.) And then we just sat there, talking and acting up while the teacher seemed to be doing nothing.

Now as it happened, my chair ended up separated from the kids I usually hung out with, so I was just kind of sitting there watching all this babble. And I got bored. And you know what happens when people get bored.

I don't know why I did it. It all seems so stupid, now. But for some reason, pushed on by boredom that had been brought on by adults creating a new way to waste time, I stood up, held out my arms, and not too loudly but loud enough went, "Tah-Dah!" You know. Like, "And now, on with the show." Well, it did look like we were in a big circus ring. And then I sat back down. And that was it.

What happened next probably really shouldn't have happened. I wonder if I had told my parents about it if there would have been one less teacher employed at my school after that. These days this sort of thing gets caught on video, makes the news, fuels an outrage, and causes people to hire lawyers. I'm sure you can relate.

The teacher silenced the room and told me to stand up. "OK, put on a show," she said.

Now remember, just seconds before the room was buzzing with the chatter, laughter, and messing around of about 30 kids. I knew, right then and there, I had been singled out. Up to this point, I had trusted her, felt like I could confide in her, and even drew pictures for her. I even felt like she had helped me overcome my playground fear of climbing the ladder to the slide. And now this. What was the deal? Why was she doing this?

But, right then and there, I decided to go with it. Make this work. I reached in my pocket, and took out the only prop I had. A tissue. It escaped my hand and fluttered to the floor. The kids laughed.

Gotcha.

I picked it up and dropped it again. Laughs.

I picked it up, manged to hold on to it, held it for just the right amount of time, and then dropped it again, watching it fall every inch of the way. Big Laughs.

The teacher told me to sit down.

I learned to few things from that, apart from improvisational acting and comedy. I learned that it takes little or even no talent to draw attention to yourself. It's easy. Anyone can do it. But once you get the spotlight, you might not like the results. If you want attention, be prepared.

I also learned what it feels like to follow instructions, do what you're told, and trust in an authority figure only to be betrayed and embarrassed. I never trusted another teacher for the rest of my school life. "Steve, if you don't understand something, why don't you raise your hand and ask?" said many other teachers in the years that followed. You just read why. I learned to look it up for myself and figure it out. And to this day, with the exception of my wife and a few others who have long since died, I find it hard to trust an adult. Any adult.

You don't have to be like me. It's hard to understand the chain of command sometimes, but if a teacher makes you feel bad, tell the principal, or the councilor, or a teacher you like. If an adult... any adult... tells you to do something that just doesn't seem right, tell an adult who isn't a narcissistic dillhole. Sorry. Tell an adult who shows better judgment.

And finally, avoid the media. These people aren't journalists wanting to tell your story as only you understand it. They want to make money off of you. There's a word for this. Learn it. Exploitation.

It's not going to be easy for you. You'll have to live with that "Balloon Boy" thing for the rest of your life. But eventually, you'll get past it. You can even make it work for you. You'll grow up, even if the news media doesn't, and you can make something of your life. I know you can. You've already blown the lid off a scam, and that takes courage. Be strong. Listen beyond the words. Think with your mind as well as your heart. Trust those who earn your trust. And love those who make you a better person. And may you become all that you dream.

And I hope you get to really fly in a balloon. It's actually pretty cool.

Ohio's First Radio Station?

2009-08-26T14:12:00.000-07:00

You may already know that Bullova was the first watch company, or any company, to advertise on the radio. (“This is WEAR, New York. Bullova Watch Time: Eleven O’clock.”) But what I didn’t know until now was that Bullova was not the first watchmaker to use radio. In fact, it’s possible that a watch company was the first radio broadcaster in Ohio.

The life and death of the original Gruen Watch Company – not the current brand name you find today – is documented in Paul Schliesser’s excellent series of web pages. In those pages you’ll find the rise and fall of an American manufacturer not all that different from the foibles of the economic travesty that is American manufacturing in 2009. The key difference is that, in due time, Gruen may have faced doom regardless of managerial malfeasance, as sales of mechanical watches would eventually be pummeled by the onslaught of cheaper, more accurate quartz watches in the 1970’s. Still, one can’t help but wonder… What if?

In 1913, outgrowing their downtown Cincinnati facility, Gruen purchased a plot of land northeast of town that overlooked downtown and much of the surrounding area. They built a chalet-style plant, and renamed the hill Time Hill. (It had been dubbed Nanny Goat Hill. The less said about that, the better.) Gruen opened the plant in 1917.

Now, when you build a watch, you want to be able to set it correctly and test it for accuracy before it leaves the plant. Swiss made watches today go through a third party certification process to be granted “chronometer” status, but in those days no such service existed. Gruen horologists wanted only the most accurate source for their testing. The most accurate source is, of course, astronomical observation – where are we in the universe. The official timekeeper for the United States was the Naval Observatory in Arlington, Virginia. (This was in an era when naval observatories were actually near the ocean.) The observatory broadcast radio time signals to the eastern half of the country. And that is where Time Hill’s geographic position was put to use.

A state-of-the-art device known as a wireless receiver was installed at Time Hill, capable of picking up radio signals sent from the Naval Observatory. This relatively long-range reception was made possible by the fact that in 1917 there were few radio transmitters in operation, most of them operated by the Navy along with a scattering of experimenters struggling to make a breakthrough in wireless telephony. Radio was strictly Morse code in those days: bursts of pops fired through the ether by means of what is known as the Spark Gap transmitter. (Remember back in school those Van de Graff generators the teacher hooked up in science class that could throw a lightning bolt several feet? Or think of a giant spark plug. That’s basically a radio transmitter in 1917.) One pop represented the number 1, two pops meant 2, and so on. If all this sounds rather less exciting than Rush Limbaugh let me remind you that in the day telephones were noisy and unreliable, and the ability to hear a ship at sea giving the location of a German U-boat during World War I was nothing short of miraculous.

But if you look close in the photo on Schliesser’s web site that won't publish here due to some crazy html hoopla, you’ll see there are two antennae on the roof of Time Hill. Gruen was not content with just receiving time signals. In a precursor to the motivations that would lead to department stores, car dealers, and eventually a certain radio maker named Crosley to build radio stations, Gruen installed one of the most powerful radio transmitters in Middle America. (That’s one really big spark plug.) Schliesser’s web site claims a signal range of up to 3,000 miles, a signal that would dwarf the current WLW nighttime contour and allow a gentleman of the day to set his Gruen – or any other brand of watch – to “Cincinnati Standard Time” in Tijuana, for whatever practical purpose that could serve.

Thus, as early as 1917, Cincinnati was a leading broadcasting city. And the question must be asked: Is this Ohio’s first radio broadcaster? Certainly, there must be a ship-to-shore station along Lake Erie that can dispute this claim. But for sheer audacity and commercial enterprise, Time Hill must lead the way in radio history.

Today, Time Hill sits obscured behind the MacMillan Street overpass. A few blocks away WKRC would locate their studios and transmitter through radio’s golden era. That studio and transmitter site is now the home of WAIF-FM. Just a block and a half east of the Gruen site stands the WCPO-TV tower.

And Now, A Public Service Message

2009-07-19T14:17:00.000-07:00

Stay with me here.

The Columbus, Ohio ABC affiliate is WSYX - the call letters remind you to tune to channel 6.

Or they used to. After the analog shutdown, WSYX's digital signal is now on channel 13.

But the VHF signal isn't cutting through very well. So now, WSYX has applied to the FCC to move their digital signal to channel 48.

So, remember Columbus: be sure to rescan your digital TV in the coming months so you can receive Double-U Six on 48, not 13.

Television: making your life easier.

On Michael Jackson

2009-07-10T11:59:00.000-07:00

I've been waiting until the time is right to post anything on Michael Jackson. I wanted to take it all in and gain some perspective. That's the luxury of blogs. I don't have a deadline. I also don't have an editor or news director yelling, "Get me a local angle on Jackson! And don't mention the child molestation thing! I want schmaltz. Besides, Sony Music won't pay if we don't play along. Did I say that out loud? God, I need a beer."

Back in the 1980's, the City of Cincinnati, caught up in Hit King Fever, decided to honor Pete Rose by naming a street after him. Second Street became Pete Rose Way. And there was much rejoicing. And then came the gambling scandal. It's Second Street now.

Whatever your opinion of Pete Rose may be - and having only talked to him over the phone for about 20 seconds, I can say he seemed like a nice guy and magnanimous with his time when it comes to baseball - we can all agree that he will, indeed, someday be admitted into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Posthumously.

Michael Jackson has passed not only beyond our earthly confines, but beyond our media scrutiny. In other words, it's OK to like him again. In the name of sensitivity and good manners, we must now judge him only by his accomplishments in his chosen field, and not dwell on the sordid details of his private life. Radio stations that, in response to listener backlash and advertiser hand wringing about airing the music of a child molester, had quietly "de-emphasized" Michael Jackson on their playlists, substituting MJ hits with superficially urban but ultimately inferior Prince songs, are now free not only to reinstate The King of Pop back into their All '80's weekends, but actually run dedicated blocks of his music or even All Michael Jackson Weekends. We're off the hook. Let the Thriller begin.

But should it have ever ended?

Gary Glitter has been charged and jailed for child sex offenses more than once. Is this taken into account every time your local baseball stadium plays Rock and Roll, Part II to rally the crowd? I heard Gary Glitter on the radio on the way home yesterday - on a station that won't touch Michael Jackson with a ten-foot pole.

John Lennon was murdered. His signature song, Imagine, was produced by Phil Spector, a man who has just been convicted of murder. Will this tarnish the beauty and the meaning of the song? Will the recording live on? Or will your local Mix station quietly de-emphasize it?

This December, will oldies stations somehow manage to misplace their copies of the "A Phil Spector Christmas?"

Did we ever stop listening to Jerry Lee Lewis? (Married a 13 year-old cousin) Chuck Berry? (Jailed in 1959 for basically being a pimp) The Platters? (Busted in, where else, Cincinnati on "morals" charges) And The Rolling Stones? (The Altamont Concert fiasco that resulted in 4 deaths, one a homicide)

What made Jackson different? Was it the weird plastic surgery face? Was it the protracted news coverage of his trial - the likes of which no other celebrity had ever faced? Was it due to MTV programing shifting away from music videos? Or was it perhaps due to The King of Pop's lack of output during and following his legal troubles?

Whatever the cause, it's a moot point now. Michael Jackson is legend now. And if you think the overload coverage of MJ is going away anytime soon, think again. We have to compensate for at least a decade when he was relegated to Second Street.

Additional Note

2009-07-01T08:09:00.000-07:00

If you are thinking about buying a microphone that costs more than a thousand dollars, and it will be used in your home studio, consider the fact that you will want to insure it.

A Neumann purchased by a recording studio or broadcasting facility would be covered under that operation's business insurance. It becomes a line item on a balance sheet that can be recouped in the event of a fire, break-in, flood, or other catastrophe. A boutique mic you bought as an individual for home use can also be stolen or damaged, but the cost of replacement out-of-pocket is probably beyond your means. And even if you can afford to replace it, you won't be very happy about it. All the more reason a quality mic that's "Damn close" to the Neumann sound might be a better buy. Besides, if your CAD M9 takes a walk, you can probably buy a new one the next day at Bob's Music. Good luck getting a Tiffany mic replaced any time this week. (Scroll back to why I suggested keeping a Shure SM58 on hand.)

This also applies to the preamp, which can run you well over a thousand just for an Avalon M5. (It sounds great, but it's light on features.) Ah, that $65 ART preamp doesn't look so bad now, does it?

If you still want only the best in your home studio, call your insurance agent and check on getting your gear covered in your homeowners policy. Put on your Big Boy pants and pay the insurance. It's worth it.

Tiffany Microphones

2009-06-22T11:13:00.000-07:00

If you followed my posts regarding home voice over studios and microphones, you noticed I haven't had much to say beyond getting started and settling in. I haven't reviewed Neumann mics or Avalon preamps and the like. This is because, as your experience grows, you need to listen to your ears more, and listen to people like me less. I can give you some advice if you ask, but overall you are the only person who can judge what works best for you.

A few months ago, I bought an AKG Perception 220 because of a low-low bargain deal I spotted. I paid about $160 all told, and I've been surprisingly pleased with the mic. My voice benefits from the mid to upper range sweetness of the AKG family. I started getting compliments right away, so the 220 has stayed on my mic stand and has become the workhorse. Not bad for under $200.

So, do I need a Neumann? Well, at the moment, my balance sheet says "No," and that may be all she wrote. But do you need a mic with a price tag over $1,000?

You should know that there are two mics that appear again and again in LA studios. One is the Sennheiser MHK 416, a hypercardioid "short shotgun" that rules the sound stages and Foley rooms throughout So Cal and beyond. It's a sleek beauty with a quality that makes your voice cut through the mix, not necessarily with balls, but with that "sweetness" I mentioned in the AKG. It's a different breed of mic than the typical studio condenser, and at an MSRP of $2,000, it's worth every penny. A nice choice if you don't like talking into a pop filter; the pattern on this baby lets you back off. But it will expose every bad habit you bring to it, and it can't make up for poor room acoustics. Yes, it will pick up your neighbor's dog barking... a block away.

The other is the stalwart of the recording booth, the one you're most likely to see in the behind the scenes voice recording footage of animated cartoons, the Neumann U87. At this moment, I should point out that Neumann is a religion all its own. They are that good. Neumann offers a wide selection of studio condensers with differences that range from the subtle - a U49 has a bit of high end loss when addressed off axis, which can be used to great effect to reduce mouth noises and sibilance - to the Holy Overengineered, Batman!" end of the spectrum. (Their most expensive mics, like the one that was on Jay Leno's desk, has infinitely variable pick-up patterns selected by remote control. Oh, and it comes in black.) The TLM series is transformerless design. The U's are old school Neumann. The M line is modernized classics like the 47. The BCM's are aimed at the broadcast market and contain the sole dynamic in Neumann's studio collection.

The U87 is a gentle, unforgiving, sensitive beast. If you're wearing headphones and have never used one before, the U87 will make you stop and go, "Whoa. I sound good." Unless you don't... then you'll stop and say, "Yeee cats! I sould like Gilbert Gottfried!" Your studio must be perfect. It too can pick up your neighbor's dog, but it'll be the best damn dog bark you'll ever record. At an MSRP of $3,800, that dog better sound like Harry Connick Freakin' Junior.

My advice is, if you can, test drive different mics at studios that have them, or a retailer, or make some professional connections and see if you can borrow one. (The friend that lets you borrow his Neumann is a friend indeed.)

Just like choosing a watch, you should pick the mic that you like. And you are the only person you need to impress. If you like what you hear when you test drive a Neumann, then by all means, get it. If you like Audio Technica, stay with it. And so on. Just don't be afraid to try something new once in a while. And grab a bargain when you can. You might be surprised.

Digital Rapture

2009-06-12T13:28:00.000-07:00

It's here. The post analog era of television. The Digital Rapture. Were you left behind?

At the this writing, the panic calls to our station have been sparse. I suspect they'll trickle in as the days pass. As I put it in an inner-office memo, there's bound to be somebody out there who won't notice the analog is gone until they try to tune in Saturday Night Live. After all, we are NBC.

I'd say the majority of the issues with digital have something to do with the antenna, with the rest of calls falling into the "Can't get this f____ converter box to work" category. Most people used to aim an antenna in the general direction of the TV station and watch to their heart's content. Digital requires that the antenna be aimed with the precision of a surveyor's laser sight, and focused to a degree just slightly less demanding than that used for the Hubble telescope.

A year or so ago, some jackalopes got on TV with those "Make the Switch" spots and told people that rabbit ears would do the trick. Anybody with any working knowledge of radio and television signals knew that this was baloney. Guess what? We've turned off the analog, and the rabbit ears aren't working. That's because these guys never told you how to use them. With a few easy steps from me, you'll be watching I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here in crystal clear High Def. No need to thank me.

Rabbit ears - dipole rod antennae, to be technically and linguistically correct (One antenna, two antennae) - never really worked well even back when Jackie Gleason was on Saturday nights. They are a compromise that served only those in urban locales with strong signals that bounced off of every solid surface known to man. What's really happening here is that a reflected signal is reaching one rod of the antenna at a slightly different time than the other. When this happens the wrong way, you see ghosts in the picture. But, if you angled the ears just right, you managed to cancel out the effect of the bouncing signal, kinda like the way the IRS cancels out your yearly income. Oh, and did I mention they only work on VHF channels? UHF gets the hoop, that equally useless piece of metal little TV sets used to come with.

Like women in a singles' bar, digital receivers only want a strong signal, and have a low tolerance for weak reflected signals, so the phase cancellation method the rabbits ears use doesn't work all that well. You have to go for the direct pickup. We're still talking about TV reception, right?

First, as I said, rabbit ears only work on VHF, channels 2-13. Moving the rods around might seem to do something on UHF channels, but what's really happening is your body is changing the reception. Step away and the signal reverts to where it was. If you don't have any VHF signals in your area, you can still use your new rabbit ears as modern art, a cap holder, or for Halloween when you want to dress up as Uncle Martin from My Favorite Martian.

Second, digital television broadcast signals use what's called horizontal polarization. Easy, folks; that's not the name of a porn movie. It simply means the signal travels from the transmitter in wavy lines parallel to the ground. You know, like Lindsey Lohan returning home on on a Saturday night. That means the best antennae use horizontal rods to catch or reflect the signal, which is why an outdoor antenna looks a bit like something you could use to hang your laundry on. That means the rods of your rabbit ears have to be down in a horizontal position.

Third, this arrangement must now be rotated to present the largest aspect to the transmitting antenna. In other words, turn it until one of the rods pokes you in the eye every time you walk near it, and you'll get perfect reception - assuming you're on the second floor or higher and have a picture window looking straight out in the direction of the TV station.

And it's just that simple. So, the next time some technogeek who works in television tries to tell you rabbit ears won't work on digital, you can say, "Mine do... if you could just step a few inches to the left, and hold up your right arm."

Shout! Shout! Let It All Out!

2009-05-26T14:40:00.000-07:00

These are the things I can do without:

"Jon & Kate." Who cares? Apparently, 9.5 million TV viewers, according to the Nielson numbers. What I want to know is who are these 9.5 million people and how can I avoid them? Okay, so here's the premise: this couple has twins, and then she pops out a litter of six. Once upon a time, to become a celebrity you needed talent at a legitimate art or craft, such as acting, dancing, music, or comedy. These days in America, you get over 9 million viewers just for doing the same thing a sow can do. Stop it.

This just in: some kids graduated from high school! There are roughly 50 school districts in my area of media influence. Every year around this time, they hold commencement ceremonies. They did it last year. They're doing it this year. They'll do it next year. It is a predictable event, and, unless the valedictorian accepts her diploma in the nude, not unique from any other commencement ceremony. Therefore - say it with me, news directors - This is not news. Stop wasting my time putting graduation stories in the newscast.

Sportscasts that forget to bring us the actual game. "And now let's go up in the bleachers and check in with Joe Schlock who's found some fans to talk to. Joe?" Joe then proceeds to yak with a fan, a group of fans who drove all the way in from Gemethefugoutta, West Virginia, or some old timer who remembers the big game on this day in 1957. "That was quite a day, wasn't it?" asks Joe. "Yeah. Yeah. It was quite a day," says the old timer. Meanwhile, the game itself is reduced to a postage stamp image on the screen, where we strain to see the grounder that got through the gap and the runner sliding at second. The only people who actually benefit from this is the local Radio Shack, who sees a run in replacement remote control sales the next day after hundreds of baseball fans threw theirs at the screen yelling, "Shut the **** up!"

Shows that have no ending. The Season Finale has become a tired excuse for not bothering to write a proper climax and wrapping the story. In other words, if they didn't slather it "A gripping finale that will leave you breathless" promotional blather, you'd swear it was just a show without an ending. Southland left me absolutely dumbstruck. Someone want to tell me how the policewoman and the gangbangers traded multiple rounds of serious firepower outside her house without anybody hitting anything? Come on. That getaway car should've looked like Swiss cheese. A blown tire, at least. How did the banger completely miss the policewoman, the house, the trees, Planet Earth with an automatic going like blazes? Then, on Sunday night, NBC reran part one of The Last Templar without bothering to tell anyone watching it was a two-part movie to be continued Monday. Oh, no, let's leave that to the affiliates to explain to the viewers who called to basically ask WTF? The difference between "Who shot JR?" and "Who cares?" is in the construction of solid storytelling from beginning to end... within this episode. That's called a "Cliffhanger." To do otherwise is called, "Cheating the audience."

Dramas that ask me to endure a badly sung, maudlin song during the final five minutes. This ain't Titanic, folks. ER was the worst. It's gone. Let's just let it go. If I want a reason to kill myself, I'll just look at last quarter's 401k statement.

Radio stations that stop the music at 4:20AM only to run six minutes of PSA's and a spot for a "get it up" pill. Hey. If you didn't sell the time, shut up and play the music! Corner the 23 year-old program director (an honorary title, at best) about this malady, and he'll eventually blurt out that the automation makes him do it. No, asswipe, you are supposed to run the radio station, not the computers. And if somebody in San Antonio tells you to subject your listeners to this crap, you say, "Okay." And then you go ahead and do the right thing anyway. Because a company that's a kabillion dollars in the red obviously doesn't pay attention to the details in the individual markets. And maybe one of the reasons you're so deep in debt is because you've pissed away your listeners playing six minutes of clutter for no reason. Grow a pair, Sparky.

Publications with web sites that take decades of credibility and prestige and flush it down the toilet faster than you can say, "Mortgage rates are lower than ever." Hey, US News and World Report... do you have any idea how difficult it is to focus on an article on North Korea's nuclear ambitions and whether or not China's condemnation is nothing more than lip service, when the there's an animated horse's ass wiggling along the right column? Either ask me to subscribe, or switch to reporting on Jon & Kate. At least I can read about horses asses while I'm looking at one.

Complaints

2009-05-20T07:44:00.000-07:00

Wow. You guys are angry. I mean mad as hell, and you're not going to take it anymore. Or has someone already said that?

Both Family Guy and Saturday Night Live last week ragged on pop-up promos, those annoying little graphics for upcoming shows that wedge themselves over your favorite programs. There's an article in the Chicago Tribune today joining in the rage. And I understand.

The industry slang for these things is "snipe." It's a simple technique; all you do is key in a source with the snipe material in the lower edge of the picture at the master control level. It's the same as when you see "This just in: a tornado warning has been issued..." or sports scores crawling, only this is promotional, not instructive. The recent innovations that have led to these things sprouting up like video weeds is: computers dedicated to doing nothing else but inserting snipes, and master control boards capable of keying in four or more sources over the main program source. That's right. I can, and occasionally do, lay in FOUR MORE THINGS over your favorite show. Some of them with sound.

Example: It's a Wednesday night, and Law and Order is on. As the show enters it's second segment after the first network commercial break, it is 10:09PM. I already have our local station's "crystal bug" keyed in on keyer #1. A "crystal" graphic is transparent, thus you can see it, but see through it and still see what's going on behind it, even though it's pretty small to begin with. The "crystal bug" is put there in part at the insistence of NBC to remind you that you are watching NBC on your local channel, but also to, and this is important, to discourage piracy. This is really important during sporting events that can end up on YouTube in five minutes. A local bug appearing on YouTube can help NBC/Universal track the pirates to their lair. Argh!

So, one source is already keyed over at the local level, when somebody at 30 Rock hits a button and starts keying in their own snipe. The peacock turns from crystal to solid color, and if the local station is doing their keying just right, it appears that the crystal bug changed right before your eyes. A banner opens up across the bottom of the screen, and we're told that we're watching Law and Order now - no shit, Sherlock - and coming soon it's America's Got Talent! As these things go, NBC seems to have the least offensive promotional snipes in the biz, with a general lack of images, moving or otherwise, and no sound. Of course, NBC is still waiting for Cheers to come back, and they've never really recovered from CBS stealing Jack Benny, so give them time.

As this is happening, the Wilmington, Ohio office of the National Weather Service has just issued a Breeze Warning for Wherethefugarewe County. Following our policy of keeping you informed with the News You Can Use, from the Station Where News is First, Live, and Local, with Late Breaking Developments, On-the-Spot Reporting, from reporters who Know the Miami Valley, we are honor bound in master control to activate the second keyer and insert a Weather Alert graphic in the upper left corner of the screen.

So, you now have 2 local key-overs, plus the network snipe... and for the first ten minutes of Law and Order the actual film of the show itself will continue to drop in their own title graphics telling us who wrote, directed, produced, executive produced, catered, and groomed Ice T's goatee. Somewhere underneath all this is a dead body - at least that's the inference I get from the dialogue.

Then, after the local break at 10:30ish, and I'm not making this up, I am required to use the keyer #3 to insert a local snipe about the transition to Digital Television. This not my idea. The FCC demands that we do this. Yes, that's right. The government is adding to the clutter. But is that really much of a surprise? I have to wait for my cue on the NBC timing sheet to insert this snipe, in order to prevent my local snipe from interfering with the network's snipes. I swear, I'm not making this up!

Put this same senario into an episode of Dateline, and we add keyer #4, the keyer that inserts the columns of fill graphics along the sides of the screen during standard definition 4:3 ratio programming. Viola! I've just maxed out our master control board. There are four things going on the air, and somewhere underneath it all is your favorite show.

We get complaints about other things, like commercials. One common question: "Why do you have to run that annoying song for cable TV over and over?"

Simple answer: Because the cable company pays us to do it. Same thing goes for all the other commercials. But I think the real question you're asking is, "Why do advertisers use the most annoying music ever foisted on a group of humans since the Waco Compound?"

Ever notice how a train whistle sounds? Or car horns? Or any other warning device? Those things are pitched out of tune on purpose in order to get your attention. (For you musicians reading this, they use augmented 4ths, diminished 5ths, minor 7ths, and chromatic steps. In other words, dissonance. Hey, it worked for Mozart. FYI: The old EBS tone still used in EAS emergencies is really two tones at half-step intervals.) Pretty harmonies won't wake you up and stick in your brain. Think of the first line of The Beatles' Michelle. What the heck is that chord when Paul sings "Ma belle?" You remember that, don't you? The difference is that McCartney is using the technique of tension and release to create one of the the most popular songs of all time. Advertisers use lots of tension with little, if any, release to jangle your nerves. A woman singing above her range in a whining voice while the musicians seem to be playing in another key grabs your ear and won't let go. The current state of pop music feeds this machine quite well. The ad agency geniuses who dream this stuff up hope it leaves a memorable impression. Based on the number of bitch calls we get, it apparently works.

Finally, we reach into the mail bag for this real letter from a concerned citizen. Here is an unretouched excerpt:

dear w*** at what point does it stop the filthy things you allow over the air I was watching my name is earl the other night for a few minutes and the flithy things so we have to start a boycott of your advertizers

I swear to God, that's real.

OK. Sir or madam, in respectful response to your letter... You only watched a few minutes of My Name is Earl? You didn't give us a fair chance. You needed to watch the whole show, and then The Office, and then Southland. Next, you needed to watch our late night lineup, starting with the monologue on The Tonight Show. Then you needed to catch Saturday Night Live. Had you watched a fair representation of our programming, you would've realized that we hadn't begun to offend you. Besides, how could you see anything objectionable through all our snipes and inserts?

Damn! There's only one solution to this problem... We'll add more snipes.

Take It With You

2009-05-12T17:21:00.000-07:00

So, what media do young people prefer these days? Here's a clue.

Last week, my wife and I took a trip to the Columbus Museum of Art. There, we saw the Ancient Egyptian collection "To Live Forever," including a few actual mummies and sarcophagi. The exhibit was geared to all ages, and there were number of kid-friendly details. At one point, there was a bulletin board posting the answers to the question: "What would you like to take with you in the afterlife?"

Zoinks. That's a big question for anyone at any age. As you might imagine, the answers ranged from the simple, ("My Qu' ran," "My Budda,") to the touching. ("My memories.") But a lot of young people want to take their i-pods wherever they go. I would say based on what I saw in this sample, portable music players rank number one as the media of choice. Something to remember if you want to connect with kids.

As for the museum bulletin board, my favorite answer read something like this:

"My savior Jesus Christ will provide me everything I need in Heaven.

But I'd still like to take my i-pod, my laptop, and my cell phone."

Let's hope Heaven has broadband. You know, if you go into your cell phone's contact list, and replace a person's name with "Heaven," then whenever that person calls you, your phone will display, "Heaven calling." I dare you to let that call go to voice mail.

Speaking of not having the nerve, during the past few months, I've programmed my TiVo to capture all the episodes of NBC's detective show Life. I really like the show, and I didn't want to miss any of it, but now the season is over, and I'd like to clear some space on my hard drive by deleting the show. So, I go into the options menu to do so, only to be faced with a display message that asks me,

"ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DELETE ALL LIFE?"

I just can't do it.

Let's Put on a Radio Station!

2009-04-29T13:23:00.000-07:00

Every now and then, a friend, former co-worker, or professional colleague will send me an email, or approach me in person with a Great Idea for a Radio Station. This happens every now and then. You see, for the benefit of those of you reading this beyond my home town, radio is dead in Lima, Ohio.

Like a red shirted random extra on the old Star Trek, it went off on its own behind a Styrofoam rock formation, let out a scream, only to have Dr. McCoy pronounce, "He's dead, Jim." Only this is the episode where Kirk and Spock have found a time portal that might take them back to a point in time before the red shirt died. OR it might take them back to the 1970's where Kirk sleeps with Joan Collins and she ends up bitch slapping some blond alien in a fountain. OR it could take them back to the 1980's where Kirk disguises himself as a policeman in order to sleep with Heather Locklear. In the end, Spock says, "Captain, may I remind you of Starfleet's Prime Directive. Don't do anything that might interfere with the development of a species or otherwise exceed the special effects budget for this episode. Besides, Heather Locklear is out of your league, Dawg."

What was I talking about? Oh yeah. Radio.

Every now and then, somebody comes to me with an idea for starting a new radio station in Lima. "We've got the building," he'll say, "and the equipment, and this town is crawling with ex-radio jocks and news hounds. All we got to do is get advertisers, and believe me, pal, they'll be lining up to get on the air. We can do this!" Then they ask, "Are you in?" which really means, "Got any money for this?"

And, of course, I say, "No."

It's not that these people don't have business experience, or good moral character, or the common sense to know that Spock would never say "Dawg." The problem is this person is playing Mickey Rooney in one of those movies where he says, "We've got a barn, lights, musicians... Let's put on a show!" (If you're too young to have seen one of these movies, let's just say they're kinda like the original Scooby Doo in terms of story crafting and realism.) The idealism overcomes the reality.

I hate to break your heart, guys. I really do. I'm on your side when it comes to reviving radio. But the truth is, and this is going to hurt, but the truth is... nobody wants you to.

People used to rely on horses for transportation. Now I like horses. There's a lot of romanticism about horses, especially in an old western. A horse could be your best friend, a true companion, and even save the day. But the fact is horses must be fed, groomed, given medical attention - with a vet bill that exceeds the gross domestic product of Uruguay - and then you have to shovel out the stall. Believe me, no matter what romantic ideals some people have associated with travel by horse, the fact is as soon as the first cheap reliable motorcar was available, people bought a Model T, sold the damn horse, and never looked back.

Think of radio as a horse. I work in television now, and I make some pretty good extra money doing voice overs for ad agencies. You can wax nostalgic for radio all you want, but I'm not going back to cleaning out that stall ever again.

But the real problem is the need to see the medium in the scale of the larger world view. Let's take a look at another medium that was once a part of everybody's life, only to fall to a new technology. Movies.

Back in the early half of the 20th century people went to a movie house. Some may have gone two or three times a week. And the nightly lineup was like a night of prime time TV: a cartoon, a newsreel, a B-serial (with characters saying things like, "Let's put on a show!"), coming attractions, and then a feature film. And people liked it, but put up with some inconveniences to see a show: getting dressed for the show, getting to the theater, and enduring the clown behind you who talks through the movie. And most of the movies were rather mediocre.

Along comes a new technology, television. Suddenly, movie ticket sales fall. Why go to all the trouble to see a lame movie when you can stay home, put on your PJ's, and watch Milton Berle wear a dress? And it's free - once you've bought a TV. But you can watch now, pay later. People now have credit.

The movie industry could no longer operate under the assumption that there will always be an audience no matter what crapola they threw up on the screen. The entire business model of the industry had to change. It went from a production line type of system, where product rolled out regularly with lower quality, to what we now call the Blockbuster Mentality. You have to aim high. Go for broke. Everything has to be the next "Godfather" or "Star Wars" or "Titanic." Movie producers have little time for someone to waste on little movies. These days, a film that makes only $10 million is a disappointment. We want at least $100 million in the first weekend.

Radio needs to change its business model. And anyone thinking of diving into the business needs to be willing to approach it the way Steven Spielberg would. Go big, or stay home.

Radio cannot and will not survive with the current practice of having groups of stations up and down the dial playing ten-in-a-row of the same lame ass product that the record companies keep churning out. (There's another industry searching for a new business model, but I'm not about to punch that tar baby in this article.)

Nor will signing up for Rush and his imitators save your bacon. While P.T. Barnum's axiom about a certain audience demographic being born every minute certainly holds true in terms of sophomoric right-wing talk radio, and the advertisers willing to support that particular midway attraction, there is plenty of evidence to suggest that its influence is on the wane. El Rushbo himself is rarely a participant in conservative cable news outlets, but rather the subject of discussion. And Rush himself freely admits he is not a member of the "mainstream media," be that by whatever definition he chooses. No. Right wing talk radio is exists within the domain of the AM band, an abandoned and archaic means of transmitting our message to those who huddle around their wireless sets like so many refugees of a dictatorial regime. If only they actually had a dictatorial regime to huddle against... ah, but that's hardly the point.

If you seriously, and I mean seriously, want to start a new radio station, or revive an old one, follow these ten commandments to the Blockbuster Mentality.

1. Thou shalt not aim for mediocrity. "Bob and Tom" in the morning won't cut it. You need to pay major dollar for major talent. IN THE HOUSE! I don't mean Big Johnny Sunshine reading "This Day in History." A good way to judge major talent: if he showed up at the mall, would he draw a crowd to the point that the police would need to be called? Seriously, I mean drop a call to Harpo Productions and see if Oprah is looking for a little extra touch. I'm not kidding.

2. Thou shalt not do stunts. Stunts are passe. Leave the schoolboy practical joke crap to Howie Mandel.

3. Thou shall pay for professionals. That goes for all dayparts, all positions, in all departments.

4. Thou shalt have a bigass signal. In this age of WIFI and wireless phone coverage everywhere, nobody will have the patience to listen to a piddly class A FM with a signal that chatters at the city limits. On the AM band, anything less than 50,000 watts is a waste of time. Daytimers will be going the way of analog TV in the next decade. Don't sink money into one. Period.

5. Thou shalt spend major Bennies on promotion. Suck it up, Buttercup. You're in the big leagues now. If you're not comfortable writing a big check for a major multi-media promotional campaign, then open a sports card store instead.

6. The production department shalt not be thine sales staff's bitch. See commandment #3. Without the air talent, the sales staff will be back to telemaketing within the year. Remember that, Chukles, before you just assume a talent will do your lousy remote without being consulted.

7. News is King. Thou shalt worship no other god other before the News Director. If you can't figure out how to get a tornado warning on the air NOW, you might as well turn off the transmitter.

8. Thou shalt tolerate no hurtful messages. With the exception of the reasonable "hell" or "damn," no foul language. I'm not a prude, but there are kids in the car, and you should take that seriously. NO gay bashing. NO ethnic slurs, of any group. That includes Arabs and Persians. And if you don't know the difference between a Persian and an Arab, may I suggest a career in sanitation management.

9. Thou shalt avoid "fire sales." If you find the sales staff ringing bells, it's time to put the station on the block.

10. Thou shalt take pride in thine work. You have chosen a difficult task, trying to ride a horse-drawn carriage down a modern city street. But a horse-drawn can be beautiful for the sake of nothing more than itself. So enjoy it. Have fun.

And get a red shirt to clean out the stall.

This Just In...

2009-04-08T11:01:00.000-07:00

I thumbed through a magazine in the doctor's waiting room when an urgent voice came on the television. "We have breaking news," said the anchorwoman. "The FDA is advising consumers to avoid pistachios until the source of the salmonella outbreak can be traced."

Pistachios? Is that it? You call that "breaking news?" For a moment there, I thought we were under attack. Or someone was holding hostages. Or the president had fired another car company executive and ordered somebody to resurrect American Motors and the Gremlin - just for fun. Hell, somebody would buy one. But, no, this "breaking news" turned out to be about nuts.

Now don't get me wrong. I like pistachios. In fact, I almost bought some right before that recall was issued. They're tasty and they make my pee turn green, and anything that makes my pee turn green is way cool. But I wouldn't call this a "breaking news" story. The story had already been broke (Is that good English?) several days before when the salmonella outbreak had been discovered. That's when a story breaks. Additional information from the FDA is not "breaking news," but rather, it's additional knowledge about to be added to my information overload.

But proclaiming it "Breaking News" got my attention, and that's just what CNN, Fox, et al, want. As you scan the cable with your remote, you're not going to stop on a channel running a banner along the bottom of the screen saying, "Everything is fine, right now. Just fine. Nothing wrong. Nothing to see here. Just turn your TV off and go to bed." Your thumb lifts off the button only if you see "Breaking News," or "Developing Story," or anything with the words "Alert," "Crisis," or "Brittany" on the banner. The Royal Flush for news directors at these channels is the Continuing Coverage of the Breaking Brittany Crisis. I'm not joking.

The TV in the waiting room was tuned to CNN. I haven't been watching CNN much since the days when I worked in news/talk radio, and I kind of miss it. But after a bout of non-stop Crisis Coverage Television, I remembered why I didn't miss it all that much. In the 45 minutes or so I watched, CNN gave me 2 Breaking Stories, 3 Developing Stories, a Crisis in the Mid-East, (that doesn't even qualify as a Continuing Story so much as a Status Quo.) 5 updates, and at least one News Alert regarding Michelle Obama touching the Queen of England. My wife left the doctor feeling great. I needed a sedative.

It must be an exhausting life working at a news network these days, constantly working in a state of Code Red. Back in the pre 9-11 days, a producer could kick back and drink in those periods in a news day when, especially at the local level, nothing happened. A reporter could dig deeper into a story on political corruption. A videographer could grab some B-roll that could lend more context to a package report. Facts were checked. Mistakes could be caught and corrected. Voice overs could be rehearsed. Awkward sentences could be rewritten. Spelling errors in the graphics could be ousted. Trust me, the down time was well spent. These days, a producer is charged with the responsibility of making every event in life a crisis in order to grab restless attention spans. I don't think I could work like that. I know I can't watch it.

I've never really thought about it before, but the current state of TV journalism could explain why it can so difficult to hold a conversation with certain family members and coworkers. For example: within my lifetime, the price of gasoline at the pump has risen and fallen more times than I can count. Believe me, the oil embargo of 1973 lives in my memory, when gas prices jumped 60-70%, shortages caused lineups at the gas stations, everybody was driving 4-ton Detroit behemoths that got 8 miles to the gallon, and rationing was mentioned for the first time since WWII. We were not happy campers. While last summer's surge in gas prices was not pleasant to say the least, compared to '73, it was hardly a Crisis. And yet, every time gas prices take even the slightest rise, it's a Crisis. Which leads to me getting e-mails from coworkers or family telling me about a day when I'm not supposed to buy gas to protest the prices. Yeah, that'll change everything, just like it hasn't for the past 35 years.

Most disturbing of all is the coverage on our economy. Yes, a 7,000 point drop in the Dow is certainly newsworthy, and in-depth coverage is justifiable. But I can't help but wonder how many "Internet Investors" switched on a cable news channel, saw "Alert: America's Financial Meltdown" or "Breaking News: Economy Flat Lines" on the screen, and immediately dove for their laptops to sell off their stocks. Who is the worst culprit: the overreaction in the media, or the person who overreacts to the overreaction in the media?

I can't help but think this current culture of overreaction has spilled over into other aspects of life. Road rage. Mass shootings. The bitch-o-grams I get in the company e-mail when somebody leaves something smelly in the break room refrigerator. Whenever an injustice has been committed, we expect on-the-spot Breaking News coverage of our victimization, whether it be Chris Hansen from Dateline confronting the wrongdoer on hidden camera, or Dr. Phil or Oprah giving us a new car to salve our heartbreak. The copier is jammed! Code Red! Initiate full document recovery procedures!

Yeesh. I think I'll just go buy some pistachios.

Smatterings

2009-03-28T01:58:00.000-07:00

Just a stream of unconsciousness this time. Let's start with this classic Sinatra photo from The Atlantic.

Frank appears to be thinking the same thing I am: What the hell is on my microphone, and should I try to flick it off? Apparently, for this session, the engineers at Columbia Records brought out a new experimental model - the Whathefunken OMG. The dedicated team of scientists at WTF took a perfectly inoffensive omni or bi-directional mic, and changed it to a cardioid by smunching a big glob of Silly Putty on it and wrapping a harmonica around it. Either that or it's Ethel Merman's pop filter. No wonder Ol' Blue Eyes switched to Capitol. Looks like an aftermarket air cleaner for a Corvette. One of the greatest voices of the 20th century and he still had to sing into a carburetor. Seriously, if anybody out there can explain this to me, please hit me back. I mean, really. Do you sing into it, or put your cigarette out with it?

Stoopid Commercial Alert: I like Bertoli Italian dishes. From all accounts, they make good food. And I like the ad campaign featuring frustrated Italian chefs singing in opera, bemoaning how Bertoli is taking away their business. After all, Italy is the birthplace of opera. Trouble is, the producers picked the wrong opera. In the current ad, the chefs are singing their curses at Bertoli to the tune of "The Troubadour's Song" from Bizet's Carmen... an English opera, that takes place in Spain, written by a Frenchman. Oh well. It still sounds a lot better than those dreadful Comcast spots.

A now, a look at the weather... and a farewell to our FCC license. Here is weather segment that aired on WSPD-TV in Toledo back in 1978, with guest weatherman Paul Lynde. I have to believe some smartaleck put that temperature for Seattle up there on purpose. Enjoy.

Dora Grows Up - Too Much For Some

2009-03-18T07:19:00.000-07:00

The latest fury in children's television isn't over Miley Cyrus pictures on the web - or why such a pretty girl has a name that sounds like a medical condition - but rather over a dress. Dora the Explorer's dress.

Seems the folks at Mattel and Nickelodeon ran into a problem. Little girls who watched Dora the Explorer were growing up, and aging out, thus no longer buying carloads of Dora the Explorer backpacks, clothes, shoes, lunchboxes, notebooks, coloring books, hair bands, jewelry, key rings, and the carrying case to hold all the backpacks, clothes, shoes, lunchboxes, notebooks, coloring books... Something had to be done.

The answer, in direct opposition to the trend of aging down established characters, (Muppet Babies, Tiny Toons, Sex in the City YA novels... I'm not kidding) was to age up Dora, letting her grow up to become Dora the Tween.

That, by itself, isn't the issue. What triggered the outrage among some parents were the details... or rather, the lack of details.

Seems as a teaser for Dora 2.0, Nickelodeon released a silhouette of the character.
Without the visual references of the leggings and few other details, it's easy to see how the imagination can fill in the blanks and leave you with the impression that Dora has gone "Brittany."

Now that a full color version of the tween Dora has been released, we can see she's a perfectly respectable, fun-loving young lady of indeterminate Latino heritage. Dora is still the same sweet girl we've all come to know, just a little more grown up and without that annoying red-booted monkey. So, everybody can just calm down.

Of course, Nickelodeon and Mattel knew exactly what they were doing when they released the silhouette Dora. It got Mom all worked up about a negative role model. And just like a boy with a bad reputation, nothing scores points on a young girl's Cool Meter faster than making Mom go all spaz.

Slick move, guys.

Upgrading Microphones

2009-03-10T10:27:00.000-07:00

I've really been debating with myself about this post. (There's an obvious joke I could use here about what debating with yourself makes you. I will avoid that joke.) You see, I promised that I would give some advice to voice artists starting a home studio regarding the next microphone: the step up from the basic. The trouble is, this is the jumping off point where an individual finds his or her voice, quite literally. What I like may not work for you.

I could be Mr. Mike Envy, and tell you things like, "Nobody will take you seriously unless you drop a grand on a condenser." Really? I've never had a potential client ask me what mic I'm using. On the other hand, I have had potentials ask me for a demo, and that's what your next priority should be. If you can't get a good demo with the equipment you have, then an upgrade is definitely in order, or you should fine tune what you have. Otherwise, I wouldn't get anxious about spending money on a new mic.

The only reason you should upgrade mics is to sound better. That's it. If you buy a Neumann because you saw some other guy use one, you may be buying the wrong mic for the wrong reason. This mic is for you and nobody else.

For the most part, when you look at mics priced above $200, you're entering a level where the mics give you rich, full sound, bringing out your lower frequencies naturally without artificial enhancements. These mics are designed to be mounted on a boom and connected to a preamp that can bring out the best in that mic. These mics come with a switchable hi-pass filter/low end roll off. Now you decide if you want to record everything down to 20Hz. In this price range, you get to decide if you want a cardioid pickup pattern, or a figure-of-8, or a mic that can switch to any pattern. Had you started out with one of these mics, you wouldn't have known what to do with all these choices. Now, you know what you want.

This price range includes The Three Amigos of broadcasting: the ElectroVoice RE20, the Sennheiser MD421, and the Shure SM7. All three of these stalwarts of radio are cardioid, and all are dynamic mics, simply because most broadcast mixing boards do not have phantom power. (!) Plus, the myth persists that condensers are too fragile for the likes of Hopalong Cassidy on Froggy 93. Even so, it's hard to beat the price for performance on these models. The RE20 is the ballsy one of the bunch. (Don't believe the ads. This mic has proximity effect... starting about a foot away.) The MD421 now ships as the "Mark II" version with a 5, count them, 5 position bass roll off switch. And the Shure SM7 now ships as the SM7B with 2 windscreens, the best choice if you work so close you can taste the mic. (The jocks at WEBN used to swap mic condoms for each shift. The joke that used to go around was that if the windscreens ever got mixed up, you could tell which one was yours by sniffing for your brand of cigarette.)

Heil dynamics have been getting some good press lately, and Neumann has just lowered itself to making its first and only dynamic for broadcasters. Just in time for American radio to go out of business. It's hand-crafted, it's ugly, it's $900. I don't know, but to me buying a dynamic from Neumann is like ordering a hamburger at a five-star restaurant.

Just gotta have a use for that phantom power button on your preamp? Go condenser. The myths about condensers are just that. There's more affordable studio condensers these days than you can shake a mic cord at, and they'll stand up to abuse about as well as a dynamic. Condensers are sensitive to extreme weather, but who doesn't have air conditioning these days? Even if you pay full retail for an Audio Technica AT2035 it's still a reasonable price. I've read raves about the Studio Projects C1, Rode has some serious contenders, and the Shure KSM27 gets high marks. And if you have the money and you insist on world-class quality, okay, fine, drop about $1,300 for the Neumann TLM103. Just don't be surprised if your spouse puts your car on EBay in retaliation. You've been warned.

Bottom line: get the mic that makes you sound good. It's your money, and it's your business. Don't get suckered into a $4,000 vintage ribbon unless you plan on recording the Kronos Quartet. Don't know what the Kronos Quartet is? Good. Then you don't need to flush $4,000 on a microphone. Problem solved.

More on Paul Harvey

2009-03-06T12:06:00.000-08:00

I was working at a news/talk AM station where a new program director was brought in to "age down" the audience... in other words, get somebody younger than 60 to listen. One of his directives was that no commercial or PSA would air without a music bed - period.

Of course, this station aired Paul Harvey something like four times a day. Harvey didn't exactly fit into the "younger, hipper, MTV generation" the program director was aiming for, but letting him go meant losing him to a dreaded rival station. And besides, I don't think ABC would let us drop the Harvey with our affiliate deal of the day.

Like many big city stations, we tape delayed Paul Harvey shows in order to fit them into our programming. Affiliates had strict limitations to this practice, but it was understood that in a top-50 market a station couldn't cut to Harvey at the times the shows were fed down the network. With the advantage of tape delay, the program director decided that I had nothing better to do in production than to add music beds to all of Paul Harvey's commercials. And we did.

Somehow, ABC got wind of our blasphemy - probably via the dreaded rival - and our station was given a one-time warning: don't tamper with Paul Harvey commercials, or else you'll lose Harvey completely. And so, we did.

Such was the power of the Harvey.

Paul Harvey, RIP

2009-03-02T12:44:00.000-08:00

Your next pizza delivery will be late and cold.

On Saturday,February 28, 2009 radio lost it's voice for a generation. Paul Harvey died at the age of 90.

For over fifty years, Paul Harvey supplied AM stations what can best be described in radio vernacular as "keystone programming." Long before Rush Limbaugh became the Voice of the Republican Party - make of that what you will - listeners made it a point to tune in to hear what Paul Harvey had to say about the day's events. To work in radio anytime during the last fifty years meant that at some point in your career you either taped the Harvey feed from ABC (channel 52 - Harvey's was such the presence that the network dedicated a satellite channel just for him.) or you made damn sure you back timed correctly into his feed live. And once he was on you could eat your lunch, because the next fifteen minutes was all Harvey. And you marvelled at him. All the rest of the day, the slightest pause in programming was condemned as "dead air," triggering a tirade from the program director. Paul Harvey swam in silence to the point where the union engineers would sometimes bolt to make sure the transmitter was actually still on. There was nothing else like Paul Harvey.

For a kid growing up watching Woodstock, civil rights protests, Viet Nam protests, and Nixon self destruct on TV, Paul Harvey was like listening to a slightly out-of-touch uncle at Thanksgiving. His flag waving made post boomers like me squirm a bit. His transitions straight into "Page 2" for a commercial for Wells Lamont work gloves ("SSSStub-burn about quality.") walked right over the line of journalistic neutrality. He probably left this world still bemoaning the Beatles and disgusted with Elvis the Pelvis, but by golly you knew exactly where he stood on things.

Or did you? In the 1950's he championed Senator McCarthy's red baiting, until he came to realize it had gone too far when the McCarthy hearings aired on live television. But video did not kill this radio star. Harvey admitted his change of heart and moved on. He backed the US involvement in Viet Nam until his son's number came up in the draft. Ah, so it all changes when it's your own son headed for Cambodia. Harvey's generation wasn't accustomed to their newsmen telling the president point blank, "You are wrong." Paul Harvey: the Original Shock Jock.

Those reversals did not lessen my respect for the man. If anything, I gained a new respect. Unlike the blowhards that populate talk radio today, Harvey was more than willing to admit he was human, filled with faults and fears and not always fully understanding the crazy world spinning around him. I don't pretend to know how to write for Paul Harvey. That was his son's job. But I can imagine what he might say to today's 7,000 point plunge in the stock market.

"Another round of Chicken Little on Wall Street today. Stocks down... seven... thousand... their lowest level since 1997. This latest dive was a reaction to the Asian market's dive, which was a reaction to economic news from the US, which was a reaction to world market news. (chuckle) You know, maybe it's time we need to stop reacting and start... leading."

So, with the loss of roughly five hours of Paul Harvey programming AM radio had come to rely on, you have wonder how much of a financial hit these stations will take. According to Forbes Harvey was responsible for about $30 million for ABC. Figure in the local advertisers, some of whom I'm sure only wanted to run during Harvey, and you're looking at a major revenue loss. And, although there are those who can try, there really is no successor to the Harvey throne. The time slot might be filled for a while, but there's certain to be an audience erosion over time, and nearly 1,300 local stations who depended on the Harvey linchpin in their programming will have to hope Rush can fill the void.

And he can't. Not in my eyes.

And so, that's why today, March 2, 2009, 1,300 hapless radio station managers are turning in their applications for the only job for which they are qualified... Dominoes Pizza. So, the next time you order a pizza, and it arrives in 45 minutes... cold... with the delivery person apologizing for getting lost... then you'll know... the rrrrest of the story.

Good day.

Answers to Questions

2009-02-25T11:54:00.000-08:00

One person who asked for advice on home studios is responding to me via email, which is why you don't see her comments on this blog. That's OK. She asked a few questions I thought I should post here for everyone's benefit.

The Audix OM3 is a good choice, but don't pay too much for it. Comparison shop against the Shure SM58 for the best price. Since bands and major road tours order SM58's by the dozen, Shure can afford to sell them at lower prices. And CAD wants to undercut Shure, so there's a real bazaar going on for handheld dynamics. Take advantage of the free market.

You'll want a some kind of pop filter. Ask for a windscreen when you buy the mic. If possible, you want one made for that mic. Although they cost more, it's worth it. If there isn't a custom muff, a generic will do. Quick lesson:

Windscreen: aka "mic condom" fits over the mic itself. They tend to "warm" the sound. The way to go for most dynamic handhelds, since you want to get close.

Pop Filter: an annoying screen that is attached to the boom stand and held in front of the mic. Some are nylon, others are metal. They are more sonically transparent than windscreens and have no effect on the mic's frequency response. One pop filter can serve all your mics. Highly recommended for touchy condensers, and a must for ribbons. See the photo of Don LaFontaine.

Blast Filter: the internal screen built into a mic by the maker. Some are quite good. Most are not enough for close vocal work. Fancypants boutique mics barely put one on, that's why you can see the capsule through the screen from across the room. My Trion 7000 basically has a metal grid around it to protect the innards and that's all.

I recommend a good solid boom stand because it'll let you put the mic right where you want it. Quality stands won't tip over easily. Straight stands can be hard to position around a music stand, and I tend to to step on the feet while working, which creates rumble and knocking in the recording. Table stands can pick up rumble from the table, but they're nice if you have limited space.

Handheld dynamics roll off the low end of their frequency response usually at about 80 Hz. That means the mic itself is designed to ignore the sub-sonic rumbles of being handled on stage, and the thunderclaps of dancing and cavorting about on stage - another reason they make a good choice as a first mic. You shouldn't have to worry about shock mounting one of these as long you stand still while working.

I do like the so-called shock mount clips that come in the box with some mics. They hold the mic with a tight grip. Don't rely on just gravity to hold your mic in the clip. Quick-release clam-type clips are great on stage, but not very secure. If you start collecting mics, you'll find yourself leaving the mic on the mount it came with, and unscrewing the mount from the stand when you want to switch mics.

My friend has a friend in Scotland with a Numark DJ mixer. I'm not familiar with the Numark mixer, but it's certainly worth a try. Dynamic mics work well with DJ mixers. Put on the headphones, turn off the speakers, and turn up the mic pot all the way without a mic connected to the back. You'll her some hiss come up, but if you get a lot of hiss, you might want to do some more shopping. At normal operating levels, the mixer should not add hiss to your sound. If you are buying the one from your friend in Scotland, make darn sure it can operate on US voltage. 115-125 volts at 60 Hz.

High strung studio condenser mics don't usually get on well with DJ mixers because
A: no phantom power
B: the mic exceeds the limitations of the printed circuit preamp built into most of these mixers.

Trying to use a ribbon mic with a mixer preamp will make you babble and drool until the men in the clean white coats come to take you away.

There's no such thing as a stupid question when it comes to mic cables. While there are variations in how the connectors lock, the XLR connector is an international standard. Ask the dude at the music store for mic cable, and you'll get the right stuff. Any dynamic mic made since approx 1960 uses the same pins for the same thing. The Audix safely fits into the international standard. If it clicks, it fits.

Some fancypants condenser tube mics use special cables. Another reason we'll steer clear of those for now. Vintage mics made before Rock and Roll may have different polarity or different connectors, and we won't even try to start on impedance matching those mics. Keep it simple in the beginning, and you'll get good results.

And yes, I have seen supposedly pro gear with incompatible XLR connectors. A certain audio board at a certain civic center I know has XLR "line out" connectors that are not standard, thus rendering all output from that board out of phase with a certain television station's equipment. You have no idea how fun it can be to build a phase reversing 3-conductor cable connection in less than a half-hour.

The Right Mic

2009-02-24T12:53:00.000-08:00

My wife pointed out that in last week's post I never really got around to recommending a particular microphone for the starter studio. Maybe indirectly I did, but I covered lot of ground on the entire studio last time, so this time let's just talk mics and get specific.

The Starter Mic: Less Than $200.

There are dozens of brands making - or rebranding - hundreds of models of microphones for vocal use. That's far too many to choose from. That's the bad news. The good news is that there are a lot of pros out there with years of experience to guide you, either in person or via the web. Now, some of these guys are blowhards with a severe case of Mic Envy, but even those guys wouldn't spend their hard-earned money on a tube condenser if it didn't make them sound good. So, don't just listen to my advice; check around and get as many points of view as you can. You can learn something from any one of us.

It's my opinion that anyone starting their own studio should buy a dynamic vocal mic like the Shure SM58. Alternatives include the CAD D189, the Audix OM3, or comparable mics offered by Audio Technica, AKG, ElectroVoice, and any brand that sells PROFESSIONAL GRADE mics. If you've been in broadcasting or advertising for a few years, you might qualifiy for skipping straight to the Less Than $1000 level. "I've been pounding out the spots on an RE20 for years, dude. I got skills." True, but I'd still suggest a handheld on a good quality boom stand for your studio even if you can afford the RE20. Here's why:

The mics I mentioned are road-worthy hammers, built to take the punishment dished out by musicians on tour, in clubs, and even on The Tonight Show. Museum pieces like Paul McCartney, David Bowie, and Elton John have been signing into SM58's for decades. Lather on the duct tape and Roger Daltrey can play bolo with one all night. These mics can be dropped, stepped on, sneezed on, barfed on, held in a toilet, (Liar by Three Dog Night) run over by the tour bus, and still sound great. If they an take all that, I'm thinking your Golden Retreiver cheweing on it won't put you out of business. We're talking bulletproof mics, here.

Second, these mics are available in your hometown. Chances are, if you walk into your neighborhood music store and ask for a Shure SM58, the dude behind the counter will hand it right to you. Or, he'll point out one of the equivelents I mentioned with a sale price. (CAD's are the Hyundai's of microphones: cheap, but reliable.) If your 3 year-old knocks over the stand and the mic is, against all odds, actually knocked out out of commission, you can easily replace it, without going bankrupt or waiting a week for delivery.

Third, even if you hit the Powerball, or Uncle Willie dies and leaves you his vintage Neumann U47 with the correct tube, you'll still want that hundred dollar high ball. Because the world is filled with Golden Retreivers and 3 year-olds, you'll keep the Neumann in its box when danger lurks.

And fourth, the shallow pickup pattern of these mics will make up for your lousy studio acoustics. Sure, you could buy a nice Audio Technica studio condenser for under $200, and get nice recordings of your room ringing, your neighbor's lawn mower, an ant walking on a cotton ball, and anything else that wants to compete with your voice. It's uncanny how the fire department knows when you hit the record button and sends every piece of equipment they have down your street.

Next post: the upgrade mic.

There's Nothing Like Home Cookin'

2009-02-18T11:38:00.000-08:00

By coincidence, I've had several people ask me lately about my home recording studio. Since the advent of the internet as a means of sending professional quality audio to practically anywhere around the world, home studios have been springing up all over the place. Radio jocks who were prone to building something at home anyway, now find a practical use for all their junk. VO artists can work at home and get more done by spending less time driving from one client to another. Snowstorm? Mudslides? Alien invasion? No problem.

But what is involved in building a home studio? Do you need to hire a professional to acoustically deaden the room? How much should you spend on a microphone? Do you need a mixer, or just a preamp? And do you even need a preamp? How do I get my cats to stop playing with the mic cords? ARRRGH!
Dig that crazy pop filter. Frank Sinatra during a '50's era Capital session working with a classic Neumann U47 with a homemade pop filter taped on. See, even the Chairman of the Board needed duct tape engineering. Ring-a-ding-ding.

I ended up sending a very elaborate email to a friend about all this, and I thought I should post it here as well to help anyone else who might have these questions. So, sit back and enjoy.

I wish a had a digital camera to take a photo of this office, but all my money goes into this office. That's the thing about home studios. It's always something. You would be appalled at the ceiling that was damaged by a leak last year. The floor is littered with books other junk that has nowhere else to go. And there's a cat sleeping in my chair in the corner. On certain days I record things in between "panic barks" from the dogs next door. One day I had to wait a few hours until the city finished cutting down a tree on the next block. It's never perfect, but the convenience of a home studio outweighs the drawbacks. When gas hit $4, I was living high on the hog.

The Late Great Don LaFontaine used a Manley reference condenser in his home studio. He made millions voicing movie trailers. He needed it to pay for that mic.

My equipment is very basic, as the studio has to pay for itself in billing. If were pulling in $2,000 a month, I'd spring for a Neumann U87, because the mic would pay for itself within a few months.

The U87. $3,800 last time I checked. And I check often. Forgive me, Father, for I have coveted my neighbor's microphone.

BUT, in order to get the most out of that mic, I need an ART MPA Gold Preamp 'cause I want to be able to use my ribbons. And so on... So, I keep things simple.

My current go-to mic for spots and high energy stuff is a CAD D189. http://www.cadmics.com/D189.php
It's a dynamic road mic that compares well to the Sure SM58, the industry standard for that type. In fact, it's a little too hot. (a preamp issue) so I put a windscreen on it and work it close. A dynamic mic will sound great this way. Between the close miking and the hypercardiod pattern, the room echo is almost gone. The mic is held in its shock mount clip on a boom stand.

Who says China can't build something right?

You gotta have a boom to position the mic where you want and reduce rumble. Spring for a good boom stand now, so you'll be ready when you screw on that two pound studio mic in a year or two.

Don't skimp on the mic cable. Get 22 gauge or better. If you start getting police calls on your recordings, mic cables and connectors are your first suspect.

Yes, there are mics that connect straight to your computer via the USB port. These are called, believe it or not, USB Mics. They are condensers powered by the USB port. The Samson http://www.zzounds.com/item--SAMC01U is probably the best you'll find. Personally, I'm not sold on them. They can be noisy, as they are intended for podcasting or quick and dirty rough tracking. (The real advantage is using one with your laptop on the tour bus.) But I won't hold it against anybody for trying one.

If you're in a hurry, and all you have is a laptop, a podcaster kit like this one from Samson is a cute little outfit. But you'll want to upgrade soon.

In my opinion, you want a mic that can be plugged into PROFESSIONAL grade equipment. For the same money, you can buy a CAD D189 like mine and use it with any preamp or mixer on the face of the earth.

Yes, a preamp makes a difference. I started out with an old Shure PA type rig, the kind you'd find broadcasting high school football games. It died. My emergency fix right now is a Radio Shack 4-channel mixer, and it sucks. (Sorry Tandy. But, you guys are great for consumer grade stuff, or if I need a mic cord RIGHT NOW!) I just put in an order for an ART Tube http://www.zzounds.com/item--ARTTMPPS that'll let me select the impedance for my new Trion 7000 ribbon mic. Lesson learned: don't try to cheat by skimping on the preamp.

This little gem will warm up my mics, as well as my studio in the winter.

If you were doing a radio show live, or recording a 50's-60's Boss Radio style show, you would need a mixer, turntables, etc. Otherwise paste it together in a digital audio work station (DAWS) which is how everybody does everything nowadays. I'd go with a good preamp rather than a mixer. The big market pros turn up their noses at mixer in-board preamps. Snobs.

Computers: you want a desktop, in case you decide to upgrade the soundcard. My Gateway came with a B+ card that gives me a noise floor of about 110db. That would be unacceptable in a pro recording studio, but it works for a voice track. The good news is just about any brand name computer these days can handle audio editing without breaking a sweat. Just make sure you have "line in" and "line out" jacks on the back. Don't use the mic jack on the computer. It's a noisy, nasty thing that will send noise back into your pro mic. (It'll destroy a ribbon.) This jack is for toy mics. Put a piece of tape over it and forget it.

How much memory? As much as you can afford. How much hard drive? Same answer. Buy memory sticks for backups and use them often. Archive stuff you want to get off the hard drive with the CD-ROM burner.

Of course, you want good headphones and/or speakers.

High-speed internet is a must.

Anti Virus Software: Avoid Norton. Norton refuses to obey your commands and starts a full scan right in the middle of a project, locking up your editor for minutes at a time. I use AVG's free version. Works great.

DAWS: Try Audacity. I love it. It's free, and it doesn't crash. http://audacity.sourceforge.net/ This is "open source" software, which means it's free and legal, but you can make a contribution if you want. You can also hack in and change the code, if you're into that. Let's see, hundreds of dollars for a DAWS, or a free app that'll do everything. You do the math.

If you must pay for one, DAWS fans come in two religions: The Adobe "Cool Edit" folks, and the Sound Forge folks. Usually, if you love one, you despise the other. If you've been using one at a radio station and you like it, stick with it. My only advice is steer clear of old versions of "Cool Edit" that tend to crash.

All DAWS create a mountain of files that form the giant squid from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea when you save a session. That's where your hard drive goes. Get organized from the start. Name your sessions in a logic you understand and stick with it. Set up a regimen of deleting old sessions after you've archived it. I save sessions for six months on hard drive before they go bye-bye.

Studio Acoustics: This is the part that will test your nerves. You don't need to spend hundreds on fancy foam or carpet on the walls. Grab some carpet cutouts at the bargain store. Use heavy curtains on the walls. Or, stick the mic in a closet full of clothes. Furniture helps. I just bought a decorative screen at Hobby Lobby for about $50. Throw a blanket over it and I've got a sound baffling. I still need to deaden this room more, so the work continues.

Well, there you are. That's a lot in one sitting, so let me know if you have any questions. Oh, and about those ribbon mics I keep mentioning. You have to love them to put up with them. Don't get into a big hurry to upgrade to "boutique" mics or something expensive. VO guys tend to get into Mic Envy competitions. My wife says she knows what that vintage RCA 44 is really representing. But to misquote Freud, sometimes a microphone is just a microphone.

This? I don't need this. I bought because it was on sale. Yeah.

Delays, Delays, Delays

2009-02-13T10:54:00.000-08:00

The groundhog saw his shadow, which means four more months of PSA's pounding on you to prepare for digital TV.

The cutoff date for analog TV has been moved back to June 12, which means you have more time to go digital. This is good news for procrastinators, since you now have until June 11 to apply for a converter box coupon and then complain to your congressman you'll be left "in the dark" when American TV goes digital. You'll overload the coupon distribution system again, Obama will cave, and we'll have astronauts walking on Mars before my station can finally shut down that 1979 RCA Power Hog 6000 rattling along in the transmitter room. Thanks.

Local TV stations needed an extension of the deadline like they needed another Rosie O'Donnel variety show. Budgets had been set, plans drawn, tower crews scheduled, all based on the assumption that they could shut down their analog transmitters by February 17. One station I know in Dayton will have to shut off the analog on the original date whether anybody likes it or not. Before they can install the permanent digital transmitter antenna on their tower, they have to remove the old analog antenna. And they can't remove the old analog antenna if they have to keep it on the air. So, if you ever want to watch CBS in Dayton, Ohio, stop messing around and let us do our jobs!

Local stations aren't the only ones taking it up the shoot with this extension. Networks hedged their bets that February would be a ratings dog due to the switchover and, in some cases, wandering channels in certain cities. (Some TV stations are running their digital signals on temporary low-power channels until they can the *@&% analog off their permanent and original channel.) Thinking ahead, the networks persuaded the ratings company Nielson to move the ratings period or "Sweeps" from February to March. So, this year, we have a March Sweeps. This extended the season for many of our favorites programs, thus costing the networks more money to keep the reruns from hitting until April, and even then jumping back in with original episodes for the May Sweeps. And now the switchover isn't happening until June. It's enough to make a network executive seriously consider going into Public Television.

But on the bright side, this is all good for the viewers. Fewer reruns, more time to shop for a new TV, and maybe the prices of those TV's will drop even lower before the cutoff.

In the meantime, maybe they can get that Oxyclean guy to do the DTV conversion PSA's. Maybe Billy Mays can motivate the procrastinators into making the switch. Or they'll just turn off the TV and watch Hulu.

Not Bowled Over... No. Bowling For Ad Dollars... Dammit, I Can't Think of a Clever Superbowl Media Reference Title That Hasn't Been Used

2009-02-02T09:47:00.000-08:00

Folks, here's the thing: if you were expecting a review of the Superbowl ads, that ain't gonna happen. Because this year all the good stuff happened between the commercials.

First, the game itself was a barn burner. A spectacular superhuman winning play in the last seconds pretty much sums up the excitement level of the game. You may not be a Steelers fan, but you have to admit they had to fight for that Lombardi Trophy. And the review rules actually added to the drama.

But wait, there's more. The halftime show didn't suck. Springsteen and the E-Street Band played the songs that rocked the house. The national anthem wasn't an embarrassment. Nor was Faith Hill singing America. I wouldn't mind if all those performers returned to do it again next year.

NBC put their Sunday Night Football experience to work for a near flawless broadcast, at least during the game. I avoided the pre-game tripe, where I'm sure all did not go as planned all the time. The Peacock managed not to embarrass itself too much with cheesy promos for its prime time programming. Oh, they tried. The "Feelin' Alright" number teetered on the brink. At least they didn't flog Heroes quite as bad as they did the now forgotten My Own Worst Enemy during the Beijing Olympics. But it is way too obvious NBC owes its soul to Steve Carell. The hour-long Office that ran after the game started off LOL hilarious, but seemed to run out of steam by the time the overdue local news came on. Stick to the half-hour format, guys.

Speaking of something outstaying its welcome, the horse trailer "player of the game" bit has had its day, guys. I don't get it, I don't know why their putting photos on the side of a horse trailer, nobody's ever explained it to me, and I don't think anybody else gets it either, including John Madden. The horse whinny sound effect is just annoying. Just tell us somebody's the player of the game with computer graphics and let us go home.

With all this actual football content going on, there was scant little time left for watching commercials. Besides, the ad agencies seemed to be very aware that in this economy, a 3 million dollar 30-second spot had better get results. We can't afford artsy or beguiling. We need to move the merchandise. Thus, car ads looked pretty much the way car ads look any other time. Beer ads made me laugh the same way they did during the playoffs. And no amount of production values or Danica Patrick will explain to me just what the hell a GoDaddy.com is, and no I'm not logging on, as something tells me this website will infect my computer with enough adware, spyware, and scamware to send me spam until I'm in my grave, ensuring that I'll get junk emails for lower mortgages and a bigger penis well into my afterlife. No thank you.

Years from now, whenever Superbowl XLIII is mentioned, I'll be talking about the game.

And the Doritos crystal ball crotch shot. Now that's comedy.